Forever is a Lie

You know that guy (or girl) you told you would love FOREVER? Take a moment and think about him/her or maybe even "them." How many people did you say forever to? If its more than one then forever is a lie.

For me, the boy who said he'd love me forever, found someone new a couple weeks later to say "forever" to. And after that the man I was in love with found someone a couple months.

And I did the same to the boy as he did to me. But to the man I won't do that to. I'm tired of saying I will love you forever and then breaking the man's heart and he finds someone to pick up the pieces I left for her.

I have made a pledge to remain pure. But I think the better pledge is to not say forever too soon.

Forever is a lie. And I'm sad to say I can't get over the boys who said forever to me. They lied to me, as I did to them.

Forever is a lying game that people play. It's stupid. No one should play it, and I for one have quit.

No longer will I say forever and love in the same sentence. Because I would just be lying not only to them but to myself.

I cannot wait for that person when he's finally THE one. But until I've got a ring on it forever will stay only in my heart.

And not only romantic relationships but family is the same way.

How do I know forever is truly true?

"I'm content with loneliness cause none of it is ever worth the risk"

I'm Gay

At my title automatically you know what this blog post will be about. But you are wrong. Stop judging, put your cell phone down and relax because I am NOT gay. But I knew this title would make a lot of people jump, especially my Christian friends, as it should. (I like boys, lets just remember that through this post.) Why does everyone start judging as soon as they see "GAY." What about if you see "DRUNK" you would probably laugh think of a funny story of your mate getting totally wasted and laughing your head off. When I see drunk I see: Harm, Anger, A man dead because of it, a year out of my house. I don't see funny. What about "SIN" Well I hope you think of yourself and not automatically start judging others 'cause well then....you're in sin. Why is "gay" or "homosexual" the word that gets everyone's panties in a bunch? Because it's wrong? Because you don't want your child to see it? But what about grace?

God never said "love everyone but attack those homosexuals" You will never see that written down in his book. Grace now that you will see a lot of. Love that you will see also. Now I'm just a teenager I'm no theologian I'm also not stupid. I'm not saying we have to accept all homosexuals but loving them isn't accepting their sin. I'm not sitting here typing this out just cause I think its a hot topic, I live it too. I have friends that live the way they want, but they also know I do not accept their sin. BUT BUT Listen....I love them. (GASP WHAT!!!) Yeah that's right I love them. Sometimes it's awkward cause I don't like what they do...but me standing around with a sign is not going to change their actions. I don't stand around with a sign for my straight friends who are having sex out of wedlock, (they also know I don't accept their sin) but I'm not going to not be friends with them.

So I come back to what I was saying in the beginning: How is homosexuallity such a big sin that God needs US to help judge? When did we put the grading scale on sin? "oh you told a white lie you're a number 1 sinner, OMG YOU'RE HOMOSEXUAL YOU GO STRAIGHT TO NUMBER 10"

Why can't we all just calm down, share the word of God appropriately. Shoving it down someone's throat will not help. Living by example (DING) now that is going to cause people to stop and look at us Christians. Being real, showing that we sin too and our sin is no more "greater" than that of a different sin. We all sin, we just sin differently.

So, I'm not gay and I will not support gay rights, but I support loving each other. I accept the person, I do not accept the sin. Let's be set apart Christians. (and I mean set apart for good for being a light not for holding a sign

"This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not God's child, nor anyone who does not love their brother or sister."

"He mocks proud mockers but shows favor to the humble and oppressed" Proverbs 3:34

The last option

"I originally asked so-and-so but they couldn't cause they had a boyfriend, didn't wanna steal her Friday nights"

"I asked so-and-so but she had a whole summer to have fun with"
"I went through my line of people and FINALLY found you"

"I was gonna hang out with so-and-so but they were busy and I know you're not so I asked you"

These words are perfectly innocent, not meant to hurt me or make me feel less worthy. But all in all they sting. I'm never someone's first option, I've come to accept it. Their will always be someone ahead of me! Someone more worthy, someone more respected someone better suited. I've come to accept and actually expect it. I'm nobody's first choice.

But I am a great choice. I can make anyone feel better, as anyone else can. I can crack a joke, just as anyone else can. I can play any game, just as anyone else can. Although, no on can be me.

Just Hope. I always thought that was a bad thing JUST. But really it's not. I am Hope. No one can be me!

I think that's why guys are so appealing to me when they make me their first choice. I can't imagine anyone asking to do something with just me. I can't imagine me being their first choice...but my doubts wonder if I'm their only choice. I think we call this low self-esteem.

Hello my name is Hope an I have low self-esteem.

So next time when you're with someone don't explain why you are with them. Sometimes less is more. Just be happy you're with them, no one needs to know everything.

And for those who feel like me. Ehhhhh first isn't always best. Keep you're head up and be proud.

I am Hope

As I sit down with my cinnamon roll after a long day of work and school, I think of how weird it is to be a young adult. I can drive, I have a way to make money, I have amazing friends and an amazing God. As a kid my thoughts of where I would be at 18 were VERY different. I thought I would be at some University studying about to marry a husband get a job and then start a family. At some points I never thought I would graduate High School. Other points I thought the only solution for me was to find a rich husband. I'm sure I gave every single grey hair to my parents. I'm not a smart cookie, but I am exotic. You know the kind I'm talking about, hard and crunchy on the outside mushy on the inside, an acquired taste, yet a little annoying 'cause they are always watching, just tempting you to eat them. That's me, in a cookie.

I'm scared to be alone, yet i have a ton of friends. I'm terrified of not making a difference yet I impact children everyday. I'm fearful that I will let my family down. Those maybe my insecurities but they make me who I am. They make me want to achieve my goals and my dreams. I don't want to be that girl who leaves a room and gossip is spread about her, I want to be honorable respectable and, mostly, loveable. I want someone to be happy to love me, either friend, family or lover. I want to be the person someone can say "Yeah, She is a great gal." For most of my life I have lived up to that. I know so many people know my mistakes. My little ones, my big ones and those daily ones. But this week I have realized something, I don't want to slow down. I don't want to miss a thing, as Aerosmith sings, or as Kenny Chesney says "Don't Blink". I'm going to spend my time looking up not back or to the future, but to God. HE is my life. He saved me from death yet I have the audacity to be in depression daily, but not anymore. I'm going to be loving God, because if I do that i'll be loving life. I'm not ashamed of who I am.

I'm the girl that will dance and make a fool of herself because she loves the song. A girl who flirts, extremely badly, with boys cause she never had the chance to just be friends and chill with a guy. I'm one to be bold when I have to be but truly I am fearful of everything. I'm the girl who's heart races when she enters a high school. The girl who gets nervous over silly things. The girl who puts one foot in the world and her whole life in Jesus. The girl who will always stand up for what she believes...if I know the people around me agree. (*sigh* need to work on that one.) I'm a ginger who has a terrible attitude and will use it for her benefit. I'm the girl who makes boys shiver at what her expectations are of a husband. I'm the girl who can dream better than a sleeping unicorn. I'm the girl who will text friends and family randomly just to say I love them. I'm the girl who will have a attitude with someone until they work it out. I'm the one who needs to express her feelings and sometimes just needs someone to listen. I'm the girl who needs daily reminders to be with Jesus. I'm that girl who gives so much love she can make any attention wanting teenager into not wanting attention anymore. I'm one of those girls who try to make boys notice them. I'm that girl who gets jealous easily. I'm one of those ones who can't stand feet. But mostly I'm Hope, a girl who has little behind her and a lot of adventures ahead.

I think I have come to terms with who I am. Instead of running away from who God made me to be, I am going to embrace it. I'm going to show who God made, not to be prideful in myself but in his handy work.

God is great, All the time. All the time, God is great.

<3

Throwback Thursday

In honor of #throwbackthursday, or now flashback friday, I decided to talk about memories. Memories are always tough, because they can never be taken back. Some particular memories came up today.

The memory of my "scandalous" romance. I was reminded of it because I am taking summer night classes and I met my ex boyfriend at the school I am taking classes at. I remember the spot we first held hands, I smoothly grabbed his hand "looking at his tattoo" softly tracing his zodiac sign, Sagittarius, on his wrist. I remember the tables we would sit at, the one where the group would wait for class, the one with the bush hiding it giving us privacy and our favorite the one with the stairs. These memories came floating in on the most inappropriate time, quiz time. As I see the slide "oops" come up on the powerpoint I realize I have to come out of memory land and ace this two question quiz. I do and I'm pretty sure I ace it. But the memories don't go away. In fact the leave my ex and go straight to another, the one I call my first.

This one comes with a lot of memories. So many it is a wave of emotions as the flood my drama queen brain. I remember the late summer night texting, the innocence in our flirting and the adrenaline of our secret. We were just kids, yet we had old souls. We had love and that was all that mattered to me. Sure, I got upset a lot, texting back too slow, not answering my questions but mostly I just wanted to be shown the love I knew he felt for me. Eventually we talked it out, we have had closure and I'm so happy for the way his life is taking him. He has a great girl, great school and great job. He's a triple threat. I can say I'm genuinely happy for what we had and what the future holds for each other individually. God has shown me a lot through our relationship. It is funny though how when closure happened I mentioned we never had a friendship, because I remembered all the bad times. If only I took a moment and realized how many good times we have had and how close we truly became. When he stopped being in my life, it did truly feel like something was missing. I would see a joke and I couldn't share it. I think that is what love is about, sharing in life, we shared a good amount of our life together, but it didn't work out. We will always have the memories and I'm glad for that. As soon as I finished thinking this, with a smile on my face, I remembered another "flashback."

My best friend, my gorgeous, diva, "I can't drive on dirt i just washed my car", friend. My best friend was the person I spent most of my days with, but unlike my first relationship, this relationship did not in well. In fact, it hasn't ended, just changed, catastrophically. We grew up together and a couple years ago became extremely close, but unfortunate events happened leaving us both hurt and ashamed of the way we acted.

Not just one individual is to blame. No, this big of mess takes a lot more person than one person. It takes a village, and a village it took. I'm getting off track, so the memories that came flooding my mind were the ones of pain, hate and bitterness. The times I became so selfish I'm surprised I still have friends. The times I felt so sad I cried every night for 2 solid months. The times I had so much hatred I took it out on everyone around me. As these memories came flooding back, I stopped them. I turned my memories not from the hated days but from the days of love and friendship, sisterhood. The times she would call me and we would go shopping. The times of laughter, exhaustion from rehearsals and pure love from each other. We accepted each other for who we were, drama queen and diva. How those two personalities got along it beats me. I can't remember one fight we got into while we were having so much fun. Maybe annoyance of each other but never a fight like we had at the end. We enjoyed each others company. Doing errands with her was my favorite thing!! It made me so happy! Folding her laundry wasn't a chore but a welcomed activity. We would spend our times listening to music, usually doing her chores and just having fun. For me I didn't care what we did, as long as she was with me and she felt the same, she knew I loved her because I did acts of service for her. She became my third sister. I no longer called her my friend for that was not enough worth, best friend well that didn't suit at all 'cause that was just someone you did stupid things with but sister, the ultimate worth in my eyes.

I remember the trips to the mall, the time we pretended to be pregnant at walmart and my favorite: rapping Eminem in the car and getting all the lyrics right, YES! I giggle as I write this, the memories are so full of bittersweet emotions. I love her so much, and no one can stop me. Yes, i have felt the greatest pain from her, but ultimately that is the greatest complement, the great pain only happens from the greatest of relationships. I'm so proud to call her my friend, I don't ever know if our relationship can ever be rekindled to what it was, but maybe just maybe she'll miss me, us. I know I act so strong sometimes when people ask me questions about her I give an answer with no emotion. Because if they saw the real raw emotion it might scare them, it scares me. It scares me that I could lose a friend from stupidity and immaturity. I think that is why I try to grow up so fast. Because I never want to be that immature ever again. That selfish and plain ol', mean. I forgave her for her fault, and I can only hope she can forgive me. I know forgiveness is a daily struggle. It isn't a "oh i forgive you" let's hug and make up kind of thing. It is pure emotions that are dealt with everyday and given over to God. I love her and I am so happy for the memories we have together, and NO ONE can take those away from me.

These "throwback" days always hit me hard, they always remind me of the "what if"'s in life and all my memories. These are the three big ones that hit me today. I'm sure three new ones will come tomorrow, but for now I'm happy for these and I bask in them. I'm thankful for what I have because without it I wouldn't be who I am today.

I am Hope and I am a proud drama queen who looks at the past, not only on Thursday's, but daily, like a character from a dramatic nostalgic movie, thinking only of the good ol' days.

And with that I say goodnight to Throwback Thursday and hello to Flashback Friday.

Parents

Tomorrow my sister and I will be driving my parents to the airport. With the past holiday being Daddy's day I thought I would talk about my daddy, but talking about my daddy always needs to be followed by talking about my mommy! So first my daddy!

As I watched my daddy handle these past few months and everything that has been going on in our lives I have seen an amazing man. They say a daughter either marries her father or the complete opposite of her father. This past week I have seen my friend marry someone very similar to her dad. I don't know what God has in store for me with a man, but I hope he has all the great qualities of my daddy. My daddy is a kind man, he is sensitive to other people's feelings and knows how to make people laugh. I myself was lucky enough to have that quality, thanks to him! He treats women the way God intended them to be treated. He loves his wife and loves her with all he does. Yes, my daddy can get upset. There are times when you stay back from him or give him space. But really who doesn't have those moments? My daddy isn't perfect. But he's perfect for me, my mommy and my 2 older sisters. As I said before my daddy has handled this last few months like a champ! First there has been some drama in our family! With 3 colleges aged girls it's hard to avoid. When my mom was out of the loop we over heard him filling her in. Oh my goodness it was so sweet and so amazing how he kept up with all our drama! Next came his best friend's daughter's wedding! He was a champ! He even played a kissing game where he had to kiss my mama and then the bride and groom had to copy whatever they did! Oh boy, I will always remember that smooch! The love that my parents have is something I CAN wait to find, because I want it to be perfect and from God. Now here we are a lovely Tuesday night and I hear him snoring! He is so excited to travel with my mom to my cousin's wedding! I cannot wait to have them go and have a trip together, just the two of them!

Speaking of two of them, my mama! My mama is what city folks call the pioneer woman. I've talked about her before in a previous post. She is so incredibly silly! She loves to mess around with us. At one point she brought a garden hose turned ON into our house. She is one to not put immense value on worldly treasures. Yes, my mama values what she has but if something is going to be a little damaged in a game or by having fun she doesn't fret over it. I think that is the greatest thing she has ever taught me! My mama loves her husband. She has taught me what a wife does. Even though she doesn't explain every step of a wife, we see it in action. The respect she shows to him is great. (Again, my mama isn't perfect but she is perfect for us) I love the way she holds new born babies, or the way she dances at a wedding, or even the way she cranks up old music pushing the gas pedal down and rolls down the windows singing at the top of her lungs while driving. All those little things make my mommy the way she is.

My parents love for each other is strong, but the love I feel from them is even stronger. They make me so proud to call them my parents.


I love you Daddy & Mommy! Have a fun time at the wedding.

Love,

Your redheaded daughter

Would you change if you could?

Growing up I have heard the same question over and over again: "You all share a bathroom?" Now I'm not talking about just two people nor three, actually five of us share a bathroom...and a closet. We share because we care. (a good moral story) But when our house was being remodeled I heard an even better question: "are you going to expand?" Now our house is 900 square foot. If you want to size that it is about the size of an apartment. But this small house houses a dad a mom three daughters and five dogs. I'm not saying it doesn't come with its challenges but i don't think anybody realizes the pros to this house.

This house has been in my family for YEARS. (About 50 of them I would say) My dad grew up in this house and my parents made their home in this house. I nor my sisters have ever moved. We have lived our whole lives in this house. (myself 18 years and my sisters 21 and 22 years) We have learned a lot of things. Firstly we have learned to work out fights. In this little house it is hard to escape from each other. When you were angry it was best to talk it out and finish the fight as soon as possible. If not it was a little awkward being angry two feet away from each other. We now know how to work out a fight. Secondly, we have learned to share. Not only do we share food, clothes or other objects we also share personal space. Sitting on each other is common. With a small house requires small furniture, sometimes your older sister is your seat. That closeness of sisterhood can never be taken away from us. Thirdly we learned to be patient. Patience is required waiting in line for the one bathroom we share. Fourthly, we know what each other are doing. This is a great accountability tool. Knowing what everyone is doing makes you less likely to be doing something not of house rules. Fifthly, it taught us to love. All these things wouldn't be possible if we didn't learn to love each other. It takes love to share, to wait and to work things out.

So to you this may just look like a small house, but to us it is a big heart. We bump the blood through it we are the veins that keep the house moving. If i had a penny for every friend that told me my house was warm and cozy I would be rich. They may have just been telling me that cause they were so annoyed at how small it was, but for me that was the greatest complement. My house is so full of love you leave refreshed and that folks is the greatest kind of home.

Maybe the next time you see a small house don't think about the size but the adventures that happen inside. Everyone has a bad day and in this house one person has a bad day we all do. We have support and love for each other. Sure, we aren't perfect, but this house makes us a home. No we didn't expand our house, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

So that times of refreshing may come

Today in church was an amazing sermon that touched not only my heart, but my brain. I realized I don't want to be that person who is prideful and not humble. Even though I thought all this time that I was humble. The biggest sign of pride is thinking you are the "hublest" around. I want to say more "sorry"'s but mean it for real. I want to be the first one to fix a broken relationship. I want to have a gentle spirit. (1 Peter 3:4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.) I no longer want to be a rebel for the wrong things or bad things, but the things pleasing to God. I'm tired of the world.

Don't you other rebels just get tired? I'm tired of the expectation of me to be a rebel. In fact, that previous statement just stated that I am no longer a rebel. A rebel does things unexpected "resisting tradition". Well I'm going to resist my tradition. Tradition of being quick to anger. Tradition of being the problem child. Tradition of not reading my bible everyday. Traditions need to be broken. As a rebel it is my duty to resist tradition. This morning I realized i want to do this pleasing to God. "With a rending of the heart With the bowing of a knee Oh we are returning With a prayer and with a fast With a song in minor key Lord we are repenting"

I am broken. I have come to the end. Rebels you understand the need to go against the grain. But I don't want that attention I want the attention of hope, no not my name but what it means. The hope in a future. That is what I want.

Today in church they played an amazing worship song I just want to take you through these lyrics and how God has touched my heart, maybe you can relate.

"When my heart runs dry and there's no song to sing No holy melody, no words of love within I recall the height from which this fragile heart has slipped" I remember the peak at which God had me. The way he was pointing me. I remember dreams of bible college and the dream of a missionary. Then plans changed. My heart ran dry. The living water no longer lived. I had no holy melody to sing, fruits of the spirit did not sing from my heart. Words of love were not in sight. Bitterness, anger and down right evil, all flowed from my mouth. The gift of conversation is probably the greatest gift Jesus has given me, but I also know how to put someone down. Down lower than dirt. Unfortunately my family and friends were the brunt of that anger.

"And I'll remember You, I will turn back and do The things I used to do for the love of You Lord, I'll remember You, I will turn back and do The things I used to do for the love of You" This hit me hard. "remembering you" I always know God, why would I have to remember him? Because when you are depressed you forget. You only see one side. It is a very selfish side. You don't "remember" the times Jesus was there holding you, when he was saving you. Even on the cross when he died for me, for you. I realized I want to do things for Christ, not for me, not for anyone else. I want that relationship with God. I have been wanting that "someone" but really I've had him all along. I just didn't remember. He was there he knows me BEST. He will NEVER disappoint me like so many others will. That is not their fault. Thinking it is there fault for YOUR feelings of being (as we now say) butt heart is not their fault. That is how you take a situation and "feel". I have realized this. the best realization of my life. Expectations are so dangerous. Putting someone too high will only disappoint yourself, putting them too low will only depress them. Grace and a gentle spirit from God will be the greatest equation for a relationship. I do not posses either of them. But with God I will. I cannot wait for that.

"You are my soul's desire, You are the hope within You bring my heart to life, You make my spirit sing I recall the height from which this fragile heart has slipped" My soul's desire. Oh goodness how true is this. My soul LONGS for Jesus. Amen?? Longing for Jesus is amazing but whats better is being with him. Those moments where peace and love over take me. I wanna see through God's eyes. I want that hope, I want to be full of it so when people say my name it rings true. I want my heart to sing, singing his praises through the storm, through the love and through the pain.

One song, one night or one promise will not change my whole attitude. It is going to take time. It was not a quick fade. It is called a slow fade for a reason. God will work on me but my old habits will take a while. Quick to anger, will soon be slow to anger. Words of wrath, will soon turn to words of encouragement. Not by a snap of my fingers, but by daily choices made with Jesus and through Jesus.

This season in my life is ready to be turned for good. Apologies will need to be made, I will need to hold my tongue and let the correction of authority take place. These things will happen, not because it is easy but because I want it FOR Jesus. I'm ready for Love, the Love of my Jesus.

All you rebels, do what is unexpected. We all have to face the pain of correction, which all rebels hate. We have to go through the pain of coming from rebellion. But God doesn't need to think about giving us grace, he already has. Don't be selfish, the only person you hurt when you turn from your family and friends is yourself. Life is so much better lived in company of loved ones. Tension sucks, let it go and let God "....so that times of refreshing may come from the Lord" Acts 3:19. Don't you wanna be refreshed dear rebel? I know this ginger does.

So Lord, tonight I go to sleep with joy in my heart and ready to face the day, because you are there. No longer running FROM you but TO you. Lord grant me the strength and humility to apologize and be humble. You are the one I chase. No more do I rebel against but for. I love you, Amen.

Being a rebel is easy, being a disciple is hard. As a rebel, challenges are excepted. Take the challenge of following Christ, not because you look good but because you LOVE your personal savior.


"Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord" Acts 3:19

"Honor your Father and you Mother, that your days be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12

Let go, let God.

As you have guessed I am a teen. The website URL gives you the biggest clue. I have been going through a lot of different things this past, I'd say year! The slow fade is a very true statement; so is backsliding. I've been sliding down a fast and steady mountain. No longer was I in a relationship with God, my parents lived away from me an my sisters were busy with school. But what I would like to focus on is a relationship between a daughter and mother.

Everyone knows how a mom is supposed to act, caring, proud of their kids. Unfortunately, teens disappoint their moms. I am no exception.

Like most teens it was with a boy, not only a boy but a man. A mother's worst nightmare. Now as a babysitter I see a lot of moms and I am around moms A LOT! I understand moms do I understand it fully? No! But I understand the concept.

I think before we get any further we have to understand my mom. She is 5'6 looks 30 when she's almost 60 and has brown hair with glasses. Her close friends call her the pioneer woman. She is a "get 'er done" woman. If someone can't do it she will step up. She is self sufficient but able to make anyone feel wanted and needed. She is calm when teaching and loving when needed. She can sew, cook, manage money, raise and homeschool 3 girls and animals, she can sing, she can fix owies, she loves and honors her husband and faithfully serves God. She is a superhero. My hero.

But even heroes make mistakes. And her biggest mistake is probably her biggest feature. Her heart. She wants everyone to succeed and not make mistakes. But if they do her heart breaks for them and she loses respect she has held them to for so long. She has made enough mistakes without God she doesn't want anyone to make the same mistakes. Understandable, but not realistic. I and my mom are the same we learn from failure. If someone else tells us we are wrong or are doing wrong we won't listen we wait till we fail ourselves. Call it pride call it stubbornness. That's what we are! God made us like that for a reason. That reason is still unknown to me.

I don't like making mistakes. It crushes me when someone else is affected by an outcome from my errors. That is probably why it kills me that I have lost my mothers trust and respect. I haven't met a person who has gained my moms respect back after an error. That is the scariest and most disheartening of this whole thing. All I see when I look at my mom is failure, disappointment and the want to just give up. I am questioned at every decision. That wouldn't be a problem if I didn't hear that question as "you have failed again you are not worthy of my love or our Saviors you will never learn." Im a very sensitive person I will fully and completely admit that. (Also the way The Lord made me and I will never, ever understand why)

My relationship with my mom has always been good. When my sisters would play together and not allow me to play, my mom would play with me. We would have adventures doing boring chores but she made them fun. We would go outside and work on the yard. We did dishes together. Those moments I cherished.

In Jr. high my mom became a cashier at Wal Mart because my dad was laid off. I began to teach myself and spend a lot of time with my friends. My mom started to love her work and begin talking about that everyday. I soon began to raise myself. I didn't see her reading her bible everyday, although she may have when I was not around. I began to become self sufficient. I graded my own tests, I did dishes by myself. These are the moments I began having an attitude with my mom. That was 5/6 years ago.

When our house was hit by a drunk driver Super Bowl 2012 I became even more empty. Fights would happen between my grandparents and family. No one knew our "normal" routine because we didn't have one. That is the moment I had an attitude with my God. And altogether stopped our relationship. God chased me and I ran far away. Right into the arms of a man.

After I finally realized the world sucked and came back that's when my attitude with my mom started again. Disappointment flooded her heart while embarrassment and shame flooded mine. Soon bitterness set in. That is what I deal with on a daily basis. And that moms is something you need to recognize.
Bitterness starts at the root of all evil. It not only sucks for the recipient but the one giving it. Your heart becomes hard. You don't wanna get out of bed. All to punish one person. It is a hard thing to deal with. But the greatest thing for bitterness is kindness, support and the love of a mom. I know disappointment sucks. But think about the one you put that onto. Daily they remember the words you shot at them. "You didn't feel dirty?" "YOU DID WHAT?" "More than once???" And everyday they push them out of their head.

It will be a daily battle for the rest of my life. But today I decided to let the bitterness go. I can't change anything and neither can a mom. Just Jesus and that's what a child needs. Don't push Jesus away from them. Because it is SO easy to go back to the world. It just takes one step. It's not a threat but a warning. I've had my taste in this world and I don't like it but be careful one day you can't be there to protect them. Remember you have taught them well. They will use that knowledge for the test of their life.

Step back let God. That is what moms need to do for teens.

I love you mom. Just give me time.

Broken

" Want to know a secret? She's dying. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second. A little by little. She has an unbreakable smile, but a broken heart. She acts strong, but she cries herself to sleep at night. She's losing the battle within, but no one notices it. And this secret, is killing her on the inside. But she pretends that everything is alright on the outside. She's dying on the inside...She's losing the fight...She's fighting to stay on the right side...She's trying to be alright... But it's all crumbling and she just wants to give in and let go and take one last breath. "

Learning Differently ?

A lot of people say different things for disabilities. One of my favorites is "Learning Differently". Because that is me. I may not pass Math this semester. I wish I could say it was the professor who sucked, or there wasn't enough resources. But it was all me. I never focused cause I was texting my then boyfriend and making plans for after class. I never truly learned. Also I didn't want to ask my Dad for help because I knew he hated my then boyfriend and he seemed always awkward with me. I didn't blame him, I was trying to make him angry. So here I am with a D in Math 50. Not even college math. I never thought I would be in this postiion. It's not my Ex's fault it's not mine dad's but it's mine. I accept it but don't want to face it. In an hour I go and get my exam number 4 back and see if i actually passed. If I didn't it looks like I will be taking the class over again in the summer. Sometimes I wonder if I really have a disability but the only disability I have is not putting enough effort in.

I better go get ready to go. Time to face the music.

I am where I belong

Tonight is a night I can say with great courage, strength and positively, that I am where I need to be and want to be. I am an interpreting student at my local college and loving every minute. I have an amazing family who supports me, even though they don't understand one word of ASL. (okay maybe a few words) I have a class who loves each other and like any family gets into little tussles. Another thing I am so grateful for is an amazing friend and her name is Maeve.

Maeve understands everything I am going through. Not just because she is a very empathetic person but because we go through the same thing almost everyday. (except for maybe the fiance parts) I am so happy she is now apart of my life. She cheers me up when I'm sad and makes me fat. (she would say I make her fat but hey who cares) Maeve and I do all our lab work together, meaning we see each other on a daily basis. My life is one of up and downs but I can know Maeve will be there to ride the roller coaster with me! She treats me like a true friend should. I am so grateful for our new founded friendship. Thanks Maeve, you make me happy, ride the waves with me and make me remember who is in charge(Geri, just kidding). I am so happy to call you my friend. Forever and always. If someone told me I would be friends with that skinny, "knows more ASL than anyone in the room" girl I would of told them they are crazy. I would have said that we would never be friends, yet everyday I am reminded how wrong I would of been. Thanks Maevey for being a true friend to me.

My family encourages me everyday but like any family we go through rocky parts. Some days I do not want to be around them. (like tonight as I blog on the front porch) But that doesn't mean I don't love them, just means I'm fed up. After the cold breeze has hit my skin, my blood has stopped boiling. I will always be frightened by how close we are. My family is well, my family. Together we can face the world because they are my world. Thanks family for being, my family. Another member of my family that isn't listed under our same name is, Amanda.

What would I do without my Amanda. She is one friend you can never replace. She is a friend in all times. Times when we don't see each other, times where i make the biggest mistakes, times where tragedies strike, and most importantly when joy surrounds my life. Amanda has been there since I was seven. I do not know a time when she was not in my life. She has been there through everything. (I mean everything folks) She can save me from the worst situation, and pick me up and dust me off. She doesn't just leave me out to dry but cares and tells it like it is. (literally she'll tell me how stupid I am) She is brave. Brave enough to tell me when I'm wrong and brave enough to not say "i told you so". Amanda can not only help me in depressing times but lifts me up. If i'm excited she is excited. When I tell her I signed a math lesson she is joking and being excited with me. Amanda is one of a kind. (did i mention she is going into the Air Force? yeah she is tough) This girl has been with me through thick and thin, loving me the same. Even though we go through times when we don't see each other we pick back up where we left off. (or hear gossip of each other through our moms) We can go a whole month (or even more) and pick up RIGHT where we left of months past. This girl is crazy because she is my friend. Thanks Manda for being my wing "woman". I owe you a lot. (oh hey we should hang out ;))

These friends are just a few of the amazing people I call "friend". Without them I would be lost. Today all three of these people were on my mind. I realized how crazy my life would be without them. (especially because I had a dream that Maeve and Amanda couldn't see or hear me and they thought I ditched them and it was really heart breaking and I never want to lose them *BREATHE*)

I cannot wait to see where else my life takes me and who else I will meet. If I find more amazing people like the ones mentioned and unmentioned then i will be one blessed Hope. Tonight my name rings loudly, hope. I have hope for my future and for the next things life will throw at me. I'm ready.


This roller coaster of life wouldn't be much fun if i raised my hands and screamed by myself. I much prefer there to be other riders with me. I thank you all who ride with me!!! Without you it would be one boring roller coaster!

With that I say a hopeful Goodnight.

Am I just a number?

A lot of people say they run this world, some say it's music, some politics, some say entertainment and some don't even know. What I have seen tear apart families, bring together long lost friends and create dramatic arguments, is social media. Social media is something teens now a days have grown up with all their lives. Knowing nothing else, teens become addicted to social media, unaware it has become a drug they are addicted to.

Facebook is known for the "likes", a click of the button that can mean the whole world to someone or maybe remind them that they are loved. I have grown up knowing that if you have over 200 friends you are fairly popular, over 300 you are popular, over 500 you are well known around town, over 700 man you are the BOMB. On posts if you get over 30 "likes" you are loved, over 15 comments are you are special. All these numbers tell me my social standing and sometimes my worth. I feel good when I know people are taking the one second it takes to click or tap the "like" button for my photo/post/status/video etc. It makes me feel important to the person hitting the button. My morning routine is a 15 minute check of all my social sites to make sure someone has noticed me, if no one has I become sad. Just as "likes" can bring joy they can bring sorrow. Comments can be mean and harsh instead of uplifting of our pride. Instead of "liking" a post of mine, my friend can scroll right past it. Instead of 30 "likes" I could get the devastating number of 5 "likes".

The ridiculous thing about this, is it is true. Every teen can tell you exactly how many friends or "followers" they have. They can tell you who "likes" their posts regularly and even tell you who posts way too much. (just a little rant right here: if you know that the person posts too much on Facebook and watch it happen all day, having the ability to complain about it, you are online just as much as that person. Maybe not showing you are but make sure you aren't guilty before stating who is "weird" or a "attention hog".) These numbers make us who we are.

So the question lingers: Am I just a number? Am I the number of my friends list? I feel my generation has forgotten two important Q words: "it is not the quantity but the Quality".

I need to remember that and maybe you do too.

Ships

Ships, there are all different types: sailing ships, war ships, scavenger ships, pirate ships, lost ships and maybe the most important "ship" a relationship. Out if these relationships there are 3 main types, romantic ships, friendships and family ships.
All of these ships are so hard to steer and your crew is, not a whole bunch of men, but you.

You are the captain, the first mate and the crew. You make your way through rough sees all by yourself. No one can relate exactly to your problem. They can sail beside you as you go through the storm, but they can never board your ship. They can talk you through it, even lead you, but never can they take the steering out of your hands.

Your ship is controlled by you, the wind can push you, yet the way the sails catch that wind is in your hands. You steer the sails making sure they catch certain winds. These winds come from every direction. Even directions that try to break your ship; your ship is strong.

All these ships puzzle you. All are so different, yet exactly the same. All require love. Love romantically, friendly love and the bonding love of family.

Romantically there is a thing called a break-up, this break-up will sink your ship. Most likely will sink to the bottom of the ocean never to be retrieved again. Sometimes you regret it, you regret ever sinking that ship.

Soon you are sad, you try to salvage your ship. Hoping the other person hasn't sunken their ship yet. If you would just bring your ship up, maybe you can go back to the side of the other person!! You're filled with hope and desperation trying to raise your ship from the bottom of the ocean. You pull and pull, but that ship that was beside you has left. No contact has been made. You're sad because that ship that was beside you the whole time is out of sight, passed the horizon. All you're left with is your sunken ship. Floating in the water, wondering who the other ship has found to sail beside. Wondering if you'll ever build a ship like the one you sunk. Wondering how to take back the words of wanting to sail alone.

But then, a new ship appears.
Filled with promises and the chance to have someone beside you forever. You were used to the old other ship to leave you for a while and then come back, but this new other ship, offers to never leave. Other ships pass you warning you of the danger with this new ship. But the stubborn pirate in you wants to discover what this new ship has to offer. Finally you dig up your ship. Still water logged with the memory of the old partner ship. Soon with the journey of the new ship you forget about the sadness and the longing for the old ship.

You are now happy, the new ship has kept it's promise. The warnings from the ones passing still send out red flags from their mass and you see them in the distance.

Soon the new ship loses it's charm. The connection starts breaking. The wind starts separating you from the new ship! You've followed the new ship so far now you're lost at sea!! You know you need to get back. The red flags have become so far away. You look up at the new ship's mass, there is a red flag. Soon you realize you never wanted to float this far with the new ship. You have to tell the new ship you have to go back. It's not easy telling the new ship, the new ship's all you've known in this new land, traveling back will be scary by yourself. You say your goodbye and head back.

The wind was great when you went out to see but now you have to go against the wind. You don't understand why, you didn't go THAT far, just far enough. Soon you catch a glance of a flag. It's coming to meet you. This time it's not a red flag.

This flag is white, pure white, a white you have never seen before. The captain of the ship looks so friendly, he has something in his hand, he calls it a plank. A plank to come aboard your ship!! No one has ever done it before. With a quiet whisper he silences the storm, he takes your white knuckled hands off the wheel. He tells you to relax, with that he guides you and your ship back to shore.

When you think he doesn't know what to do you jump in trying to save your ship, but all you do is throw yourself off course. For awhile you know to stay seated but the urge of doing it yourself is so strong you can't stop it.
I'm not sure how far you go. Because I haven't finished that part of the journey yet. My ship is still being lead by the friendly man who boarded my ship. He's saving me.

One day maybe ill find my old ship buddy. Maybe he'll listen to me when I tell him I made a mistake!! Maybe he'll become my buddy again! Maybe if I apologize he'll know I just wanted him to chase me. Maybe he wants to chase me and maybe, just maybe, ill let him catch me.
I don't know about all these ships but I know when the friendly man controls mine, I become a better ship.

I'm letting the friendly man take control. Oh and by the way his name is, Jesus.

No longer captain.

Beautiful Disaster

"a calamitous event, especially one occurring suddenly and causing great loss, of life...." A disaster, funny word that word is. When I hear the word, disaster, the first thing I think of is Katrina, the Ramona fires and earth quakes in Haiti. But sometimes it reminds me of one much closer to home. The disaster of life. The failure of walking off the straight and narrow. The disaster of placing yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time. The disaster of failing.

Failing is a harsh word. Used to describe a mistake, the lack of knowledge in something or a physical short coming. What about the failure to listen.

Listening is one of the hardest things to do, but not when someone is praising you. If my professor is telling me how great I did i'm "all ears", but say someone is telling me how to correct a mistake. My mind shuts down, my ears close and the tears fall. I do not want to hear it. I have the knowledge to know I made a mistake and hearing it makes the guilt come flowing back.

But today I prayed something different. Instead of asking God to let everyone forget what I did I asked for me to not feel anything for it. Not the guilt not the shame but the love of my savior when he welcomed me back into his arms. He didn't have to wait a day or two to "mole it over" He forgave me on the spot. He told me "child was this a surprise?" To the people who can't see my heart, they probably think it is a shock. But for me and God, we knew what was happening. Everyday I made a conscious choice to not obey my Lord and savior. He felt the pain every second of everyday of a child shutting her heart. Warnings were heard but not listened to. Correcting love was given but not received. In the end, shock was spoken and shame was felt.

The things of this world are taken so lightly. Stealing a kiss, "the first time", telling a white lie, all are so "innocent". To God it is the same as committing one of the "big" sins. A wise woman said to me "God doesn't put the level of sins on sins, we people, human beings do. God sees it all the same" How powerful is that. Hurting someones life and a white lie will be judged equally to God's standards. That's weird for me. But we all fall short of God's standards. That's why he sent his son to die on the cross for our sins. So we didn't have to worry about meeting perfection, instead perfection met us.

My life maybe a disaster right now but to God I'm his beautiful disaster. You always have to rebuild after a disaster strikes. Sometimes God uses the rebuilding to make us who he's always seen us as. He knows what we look like as a finished product. I can not wait till my savior builds me into the strong and amazing woman he can make me. Stay strong all you beautiful disasters God is not finished with you yet.

A beautifully crafted disaster, for God's greater plan.

Being me

Is there anyone else out there who hates math? Because I sure do. Math will be the death of me.

Well today is Sunday, a relaxing day to just sit and think. But for some reason my thinker (word thanks to my grandma) isn't working too well. I do know that Jesus loves me. That's what I do know. Church today we talked about who is influencing you. I definitely want Jesus influencing me. I saw the path if society, all it leads to is destruction. In Jesus there is life.

As a little girl I always wondered what it would be like to get off the straight and narrow. Let me tell you it isn't like they say. The grass is not greener nor better.

And parents, well all they want is the best for you. When you tell them you broke a promise you said you would never break it hurts. I learned disappointment hurts. Not being disappointed but being a disappointment. The grace and love isn't the first thing that comes sometimes. Everyone's human though. Jesus is the only one who will welcome you back lovingly and joyfully, forgetting the sin you have committed against him. It was no shock to him that you failed your parents. He still loves you as do your parents but the shock on the face will never leave your mind.

I never want fail my parents again but unfortunately it will happen. Failing is a part of our human nature. One day ill make them proud. I can't wait for that day to come.

For now I finish college with as little embarrassment as possible! No promises there. Red hair = a red face.

I guess I should get back to my reading! Listen to the song Say Your Name by plumb it is amazing!

And with that goodnight

The world doesn't stop for heart break.

I never know how to act for a break up. Especially one that wasn't supposed to be. I'm not saying we should have never broken up, I'm saying we should have never started a relationship. You never expect to break up with someone when you get into a relationship with something, but for me that's all I thought about. I knew it would come but I didn't want it.

I've been listening to a lot of music you know being the typical teenager and escaping through sad music. Well I was listening to We The Kings and the line came up "what you want is not what you need" How true is that? A lot in my situation. I wanted something that I didn't need and wasn't good for me. My life became chaotic, secretive and at some points plan ole scary. I thought I wanted that I thought I wanted him. It all changes when you come back to God. I have always been that girl who everyone knew would rebel. I have a "rebellious spirit". I don't want that unless it is for God. I don't want a testimony, I thought I did but I don't. I want to be able to say I have grown up with God I never turned from him nor wanted to. I made many choices to turn away from God.

In my head I remember saying "look God, look what we are doing you can't stop me" "look God he loves me more than my family have ever loved me" "I will never listen to you this is so much more fun than the road you had me on". I was so wrong. Yeah being a Christian isn't easy, but it is so much more fun. Way more joyful as well. I ask myself all the time when did I turn from Him? Well it was a slow phase. It lasted for over a year. I have been living in sin for a long time. It started out small at first, but then grew bigger and bigger becoming my worst nightmare. I know in a week my life could be very different right now. My blog would probably not be about breaking up but maybe something new, small cute and cuddly. Stopping yourself from something shows great strength. I wish i had the strength to stop myself in the beginning. Sometimes you have to fall, or in my case a lot of times.

I never thought I would be scared without Jesus. I was deeply wrong. I am scared. I want my Jesus. I didn't know who to pray to anymore I didn't know where to find comfort. I. was. lost. I leaned on friends and the deserted me while I ran to a man. Everything was handled poorly and I let it be. I want Jesus to change me not because I stopped having fun in my sin but because I don't want to make him sad anymore. It hurt Jesus seeing me sneaking around, lying and playing games with his son's heart. My slow fade turned into a downward slide off a cliff. Just like right before you're in deep sleep and all of a sudden you feel like you're falling, that is how I felt. Right before I got into deep sin I realized I was falling and didn't have my Savior to catch me. Today he catches me. He holds me and says "you're forgiven my princess". Jesus will take control of my life I give up the drivers seat.

Even though all this sadness and new beginning with my Jesus is going on my life hasn't stopped. The world keeps spinning, as they say. Journals, Micros and homework is still due. Community hours still need to be met and a house still needs to be unpacked. Today was the first day I didn't want to sit in bed all day and cry since Saturday. I wanted to get up and do something with my life. I wanted to clean the house do my homework and get ready for class! Sometimes I still get very sad thinking about him being sad but for myself I'm happy. I have support from the friends that stuck with me through my bad relationship and the love from my family. I'm so grateful for the friends who stuck with me. The ones who walked away I don't think I even want them in my life. Who is a friend who walks away. I understand not knowing what to do but talk to that person. Get it out so you can say you told everything that needed to be said. Emotions have the way of getting in the middle of facts. Really all you need to do is tell the truth and be honest with yourself and most importantly God. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if my friend did what I did. I don't know what I would do. I probably would stick with them and keep showing the truth just like my true friends did to me. I'm so grateful for the support I receive.

God is leading me through a lot and I love that. My heart is fragile right now. My emotions oh Lordy they are off the track that is for sure. I know God will get me through this, He always does. I lean on his strength through this. I'm happy the world kept moving if it stopped when I had a broken heart I don't think I would be able to heal. Healing will be a long process but I'm so excited to see the love of Jesus again. I may have turned from him but he never turned from me. I will forever be thankful for His grace and mercy.