"I originally asked so-and-so but they couldn't cause they had a boyfriend, didn't wanna steal her Friday nights"
"I asked so-and-so but she had a whole summer to have fun with"
"I went through my line of people and FINALLY found you"
"I was gonna hang out with so-and-so but they were busy and I know you're not so I asked you"
These words are perfectly innocent, not meant to hurt me or make me feel less worthy. But all in all they sting. I'm never someone's first option, I've come to accept it. Their will always be someone ahead of me! Someone more worthy, someone more respected someone better suited. I've come to accept and actually expect it. I'm nobody's first choice.
But I am a great choice. I can make anyone feel better, as anyone else can. I can crack a joke, just as anyone else can. I can play any game, just as anyone else can. Although, no on can be me.
Just Hope. I always thought that was a bad thing JUST. But really it's not. I am Hope. No one can be me!
I think that's why guys are so appealing to me when they make me their first choice. I can't imagine anyone asking to do something with just me. I can't imagine me being their first choice...but my doubts wonder if I'm their only choice. I think we call this low self-esteem.
Hello my name is Hope an I have low self-esteem.
So next time when you're with someone don't explain why you are with them. Sometimes less is more. Just be happy you're with them, no one needs to know everything.
And for those who feel like me. Ehhhhh first isn't always best. Keep you're head up and be proud.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I am Hope
As I sit down with my cinnamon roll after a long day of work and school, I think of how weird it is to be a young adult. I can drive, I have a way to make money, I have amazing friends and an amazing God. As a kid my thoughts of where I would be at 18 were VERY different. I thought I would be at some University studying about to marry a husband get a job and then start a family. At some points I never thought I would graduate High School. Other points I thought the only solution for me was to find a rich husband. I'm sure I gave every single grey hair to my parents. I'm not a smart cookie, but I am exotic. You know the kind I'm talking about, hard and crunchy on the outside mushy on the inside, an acquired taste, yet a little annoying 'cause they are always watching, just tempting you to eat them. That's me, in a cookie.
I'm scared to be alone, yet i have a ton of friends. I'm terrified of not making a difference yet I impact children everyday. I'm fearful that I will let my family down. Those maybe my insecurities but they make me who I am. They make me want to achieve my goals and my dreams. I don't want to be that girl who leaves a room and gossip is spread about her, I want to be honorable respectable and, mostly, loveable. I want someone to be happy to love me, either friend, family or lover. I want to be the person someone can say "Yeah, She is a great gal." For most of my life I have lived up to that. I know so many people know my mistakes. My little ones, my big ones and those daily ones. But this week I have realized something, I don't want to slow down. I don't want to miss a thing, as Aerosmith sings, or as Kenny Chesney says "Don't Blink". I'm going to spend my time looking up not back or to the future, but to God. HE is my life. He saved me from death yet I have the audacity to be in depression daily, but not anymore. I'm going to be loving God, because if I do that i'll be loving life. I'm not ashamed of who I am.
I'm the girl that will dance and make a fool of herself because she loves the song. A girl who flirts, extremely badly, with boys cause she never had the chance to just be friends and chill with a guy. I'm one to be bold when I have to be but truly I am fearful of everything. I'm the girl who's heart races when she enters a high school. The girl who gets nervous over silly things. The girl who puts one foot in the world and her whole life in Jesus. The girl who will always stand up for what she believes...if I know the people around me agree. (*sigh* need to work on that one.) I'm a ginger who has a terrible attitude and will use it for her benefit. I'm the girl who makes boys shiver at what her expectations are of a husband. I'm the girl who can dream better than a sleeping unicorn. I'm the girl who will text friends and family randomly just to say I love them. I'm the girl who will have a attitude with someone until they work it out. I'm the one who needs to express her feelings and sometimes just needs someone to listen. I'm the girl who needs daily reminders to be with Jesus. I'm that girl who gives so much love she can make any attention wanting teenager into not wanting attention anymore. I'm one of those girls who try to make boys notice them. I'm that girl who gets jealous easily. I'm one of those ones who can't stand feet. But mostly I'm Hope, a girl who has little behind her and a lot of adventures ahead.
I think I have come to terms with who I am. Instead of running away from who God made me to be, I am going to embrace it. I'm going to show who God made, not to be prideful in myself but in his handy work.
God is great, All the time. All the time, God is great.
<3
I'm scared to be alone, yet i have a ton of friends. I'm terrified of not making a difference yet I impact children everyday. I'm fearful that I will let my family down. Those maybe my insecurities but they make me who I am. They make me want to achieve my goals and my dreams. I don't want to be that girl who leaves a room and gossip is spread about her, I want to be honorable respectable and, mostly, loveable. I want someone to be happy to love me, either friend, family or lover. I want to be the person someone can say "Yeah, She is a great gal." For most of my life I have lived up to that. I know so many people know my mistakes. My little ones, my big ones and those daily ones. But this week I have realized something, I don't want to slow down. I don't want to miss a thing, as Aerosmith sings, or as Kenny Chesney says "Don't Blink". I'm going to spend my time looking up not back or to the future, but to God. HE is my life. He saved me from death yet I have the audacity to be in depression daily, but not anymore. I'm going to be loving God, because if I do that i'll be loving life. I'm not ashamed of who I am.
I'm the girl that will dance and make a fool of herself because she loves the song. A girl who flirts, extremely badly, with boys cause she never had the chance to just be friends and chill with a guy. I'm one to be bold when I have to be but truly I am fearful of everything. I'm the girl who's heart races when she enters a high school. The girl who gets nervous over silly things. The girl who puts one foot in the world and her whole life in Jesus. The girl who will always stand up for what she believes...if I know the people around me agree. (*sigh* need to work on that one.) I'm a ginger who has a terrible attitude and will use it for her benefit. I'm the girl who makes boys shiver at what her expectations are of a husband. I'm the girl who can dream better than a sleeping unicorn. I'm the girl who will text friends and family randomly just to say I love them. I'm the girl who will have a attitude with someone until they work it out. I'm the one who needs to express her feelings and sometimes just needs someone to listen. I'm the girl who needs daily reminders to be with Jesus. I'm that girl who gives so much love she can make any attention wanting teenager into not wanting attention anymore. I'm one of those girls who try to make boys notice them. I'm that girl who gets jealous easily. I'm one of those ones who can't stand feet. But mostly I'm Hope, a girl who has little behind her and a lot of adventures ahead.
I think I have come to terms with who I am. Instead of running away from who God made me to be, I am going to embrace it. I'm going to show who God made, not to be prideful in myself but in his handy work.
God is great, All the time. All the time, God is great.
<3
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