Am I just a number?

A lot of people say they run this world, some say it's music, some politics, some say entertainment and some don't even know. What I have seen tear apart families, bring together long lost friends and create dramatic arguments, is social media. Social media is something teens now a days have grown up with all their lives. Knowing nothing else, teens become addicted to social media, unaware it has become a drug they are addicted to.

Facebook is known for the "likes", a click of the button that can mean the whole world to someone or maybe remind them that they are loved. I have grown up knowing that if you have over 200 friends you are fairly popular, over 300 you are popular, over 500 you are well known around town, over 700 man you are the BOMB. On posts if you get over 30 "likes" you are loved, over 15 comments are you are special. All these numbers tell me my social standing and sometimes my worth. I feel good when I know people are taking the one second it takes to click or tap the "like" button for my photo/post/status/video etc. It makes me feel important to the person hitting the button. My morning routine is a 15 minute check of all my social sites to make sure someone has noticed me, if no one has I become sad. Just as "likes" can bring joy they can bring sorrow. Comments can be mean and harsh instead of uplifting of our pride. Instead of "liking" a post of mine, my friend can scroll right past it. Instead of 30 "likes" I could get the devastating number of 5 "likes".

The ridiculous thing about this, is it is true. Every teen can tell you exactly how many friends or "followers" they have. They can tell you who "likes" their posts regularly and even tell you who posts way too much. (just a little rant right here: if you know that the person posts too much on Facebook and watch it happen all day, having the ability to complain about it, you are online just as much as that person. Maybe not showing you are but make sure you aren't guilty before stating who is "weird" or a "attention hog".) These numbers make us who we are.

So the question lingers: Am I just a number? Am I the number of my friends list? I feel my generation has forgotten two important Q words: "it is not the quantity but the Quality".

I need to remember that and maybe you do too.

Ships

Ships, there are all different types: sailing ships, war ships, scavenger ships, pirate ships, lost ships and maybe the most important "ship" a relationship. Out if these relationships there are 3 main types, romantic ships, friendships and family ships.
All of these ships are so hard to steer and your crew is, not a whole bunch of men, but you.

You are the captain, the first mate and the crew. You make your way through rough sees all by yourself. No one can relate exactly to your problem. They can sail beside you as you go through the storm, but they can never board your ship. They can talk you through it, even lead you, but never can they take the steering out of your hands.

Your ship is controlled by you, the wind can push you, yet the way the sails catch that wind is in your hands. You steer the sails making sure they catch certain winds. These winds come from every direction. Even directions that try to break your ship; your ship is strong.

All these ships puzzle you. All are so different, yet exactly the same. All require love. Love romantically, friendly love and the bonding love of family.

Romantically there is a thing called a break-up, this break-up will sink your ship. Most likely will sink to the bottom of the ocean never to be retrieved again. Sometimes you regret it, you regret ever sinking that ship.

Soon you are sad, you try to salvage your ship. Hoping the other person hasn't sunken their ship yet. If you would just bring your ship up, maybe you can go back to the side of the other person!! You're filled with hope and desperation trying to raise your ship from the bottom of the ocean. You pull and pull, but that ship that was beside you has left. No contact has been made. You're sad because that ship that was beside you the whole time is out of sight, passed the horizon. All you're left with is your sunken ship. Floating in the water, wondering who the other ship has found to sail beside. Wondering if you'll ever build a ship like the one you sunk. Wondering how to take back the words of wanting to sail alone.

But then, a new ship appears.
Filled with promises and the chance to have someone beside you forever. You were used to the old other ship to leave you for a while and then come back, but this new other ship, offers to never leave. Other ships pass you warning you of the danger with this new ship. But the stubborn pirate in you wants to discover what this new ship has to offer. Finally you dig up your ship. Still water logged with the memory of the old partner ship. Soon with the journey of the new ship you forget about the sadness and the longing for the old ship.

You are now happy, the new ship has kept it's promise. The warnings from the ones passing still send out red flags from their mass and you see them in the distance.

Soon the new ship loses it's charm. The connection starts breaking. The wind starts separating you from the new ship! You've followed the new ship so far now you're lost at sea!! You know you need to get back. The red flags have become so far away. You look up at the new ship's mass, there is a red flag. Soon you realize you never wanted to float this far with the new ship. You have to tell the new ship you have to go back. It's not easy telling the new ship, the new ship's all you've known in this new land, traveling back will be scary by yourself. You say your goodbye and head back.

The wind was great when you went out to see but now you have to go against the wind. You don't understand why, you didn't go THAT far, just far enough. Soon you catch a glance of a flag. It's coming to meet you. This time it's not a red flag.

This flag is white, pure white, a white you have never seen before. The captain of the ship looks so friendly, he has something in his hand, he calls it a plank. A plank to come aboard your ship!! No one has ever done it before. With a quiet whisper he silences the storm, he takes your white knuckled hands off the wheel. He tells you to relax, with that he guides you and your ship back to shore.

When you think he doesn't know what to do you jump in trying to save your ship, but all you do is throw yourself off course. For awhile you know to stay seated but the urge of doing it yourself is so strong you can't stop it.
I'm not sure how far you go. Because I haven't finished that part of the journey yet. My ship is still being lead by the friendly man who boarded my ship. He's saving me.

One day maybe ill find my old ship buddy. Maybe he'll listen to me when I tell him I made a mistake!! Maybe he'll become my buddy again! Maybe if I apologize he'll know I just wanted him to chase me. Maybe he wants to chase me and maybe, just maybe, ill let him catch me.
I don't know about all these ships but I know when the friendly man controls mine, I become a better ship.

I'm letting the friendly man take control. Oh and by the way his name is, Jesus.

No longer captain.

Beautiful Disaster

"a calamitous event, especially one occurring suddenly and causing great loss, of life...." A disaster, funny word that word is. When I hear the word, disaster, the first thing I think of is Katrina, the Ramona fires and earth quakes in Haiti. But sometimes it reminds me of one much closer to home. The disaster of life. The failure of walking off the straight and narrow. The disaster of placing yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time. The disaster of failing.

Failing is a harsh word. Used to describe a mistake, the lack of knowledge in something or a physical short coming. What about the failure to listen.

Listening is one of the hardest things to do, but not when someone is praising you. If my professor is telling me how great I did i'm "all ears", but say someone is telling me how to correct a mistake. My mind shuts down, my ears close and the tears fall. I do not want to hear it. I have the knowledge to know I made a mistake and hearing it makes the guilt come flowing back.

But today I prayed something different. Instead of asking God to let everyone forget what I did I asked for me to not feel anything for it. Not the guilt not the shame but the love of my savior when he welcomed me back into his arms. He didn't have to wait a day or two to "mole it over" He forgave me on the spot. He told me "child was this a surprise?" To the people who can't see my heart, they probably think it is a shock. But for me and God, we knew what was happening. Everyday I made a conscious choice to not obey my Lord and savior. He felt the pain every second of everyday of a child shutting her heart. Warnings were heard but not listened to. Correcting love was given but not received. In the end, shock was spoken and shame was felt.

The things of this world are taken so lightly. Stealing a kiss, "the first time", telling a white lie, all are so "innocent". To God it is the same as committing one of the "big" sins. A wise woman said to me "God doesn't put the level of sins on sins, we people, human beings do. God sees it all the same" How powerful is that. Hurting someones life and a white lie will be judged equally to God's standards. That's weird for me. But we all fall short of God's standards. That's why he sent his son to die on the cross for our sins. So we didn't have to worry about meeting perfection, instead perfection met us.

My life maybe a disaster right now but to God I'm his beautiful disaster. You always have to rebuild after a disaster strikes. Sometimes God uses the rebuilding to make us who he's always seen us as. He knows what we look like as a finished product. I can not wait till my savior builds me into the strong and amazing woman he can make me. Stay strong all you beautiful disasters God is not finished with you yet.

A beautifully crafted disaster, for God's greater plan.

Being me

Is there anyone else out there who hates math? Because I sure do. Math will be the death of me.

Well today is Sunday, a relaxing day to just sit and think. But for some reason my thinker (word thanks to my grandma) isn't working too well. I do know that Jesus loves me. That's what I do know. Church today we talked about who is influencing you. I definitely want Jesus influencing me. I saw the path if society, all it leads to is destruction. In Jesus there is life.

As a little girl I always wondered what it would be like to get off the straight and narrow. Let me tell you it isn't like they say. The grass is not greener nor better.

And parents, well all they want is the best for you. When you tell them you broke a promise you said you would never break it hurts. I learned disappointment hurts. Not being disappointed but being a disappointment. The grace and love isn't the first thing that comes sometimes. Everyone's human though. Jesus is the only one who will welcome you back lovingly and joyfully, forgetting the sin you have committed against him. It was no shock to him that you failed your parents. He still loves you as do your parents but the shock on the face will never leave your mind.

I never want fail my parents again but unfortunately it will happen. Failing is a part of our human nature. One day ill make them proud. I can't wait for that day to come.

For now I finish college with as little embarrassment as possible! No promises there. Red hair = a red face.

I guess I should get back to my reading! Listen to the song Say Your Name by plumb it is amazing!

And with that goodnight

The world doesn't stop for heart break.

I never know how to act for a break up. Especially one that wasn't supposed to be. I'm not saying we should have never broken up, I'm saying we should have never started a relationship. You never expect to break up with someone when you get into a relationship with something, but for me that's all I thought about. I knew it would come but I didn't want it.

I've been listening to a lot of music you know being the typical teenager and escaping through sad music. Well I was listening to We The Kings and the line came up "what you want is not what you need" How true is that? A lot in my situation. I wanted something that I didn't need and wasn't good for me. My life became chaotic, secretive and at some points plan ole scary. I thought I wanted that I thought I wanted him. It all changes when you come back to God. I have always been that girl who everyone knew would rebel. I have a "rebellious spirit". I don't want that unless it is for God. I don't want a testimony, I thought I did but I don't. I want to be able to say I have grown up with God I never turned from him nor wanted to. I made many choices to turn away from God.

In my head I remember saying "look God, look what we are doing you can't stop me" "look God he loves me more than my family have ever loved me" "I will never listen to you this is so much more fun than the road you had me on". I was so wrong. Yeah being a Christian isn't easy, but it is so much more fun. Way more joyful as well. I ask myself all the time when did I turn from Him? Well it was a slow phase. It lasted for over a year. I have been living in sin for a long time. It started out small at first, but then grew bigger and bigger becoming my worst nightmare. I know in a week my life could be very different right now. My blog would probably not be about breaking up but maybe something new, small cute and cuddly. Stopping yourself from something shows great strength. I wish i had the strength to stop myself in the beginning. Sometimes you have to fall, or in my case a lot of times.

I never thought I would be scared without Jesus. I was deeply wrong. I am scared. I want my Jesus. I didn't know who to pray to anymore I didn't know where to find comfort. I. was. lost. I leaned on friends and the deserted me while I ran to a man. Everything was handled poorly and I let it be. I want Jesus to change me not because I stopped having fun in my sin but because I don't want to make him sad anymore. It hurt Jesus seeing me sneaking around, lying and playing games with his son's heart. My slow fade turned into a downward slide off a cliff. Just like right before you're in deep sleep and all of a sudden you feel like you're falling, that is how I felt. Right before I got into deep sin I realized I was falling and didn't have my Savior to catch me. Today he catches me. He holds me and says "you're forgiven my princess". Jesus will take control of my life I give up the drivers seat.

Even though all this sadness and new beginning with my Jesus is going on my life hasn't stopped. The world keeps spinning, as they say. Journals, Micros and homework is still due. Community hours still need to be met and a house still needs to be unpacked. Today was the first day I didn't want to sit in bed all day and cry since Saturday. I wanted to get up and do something with my life. I wanted to clean the house do my homework and get ready for class! Sometimes I still get very sad thinking about him being sad but for myself I'm happy. I have support from the friends that stuck with me through my bad relationship and the love from my family. I'm so grateful for the friends who stuck with me. The ones who walked away I don't think I even want them in my life. Who is a friend who walks away. I understand not knowing what to do but talk to that person. Get it out so you can say you told everything that needed to be said. Emotions have the way of getting in the middle of facts. Really all you need to do is tell the truth and be honest with yourself and most importantly God. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if my friend did what I did. I don't know what I would do. I probably would stick with them and keep showing the truth just like my true friends did to me. I'm so grateful for the support I receive.

God is leading me through a lot and I love that. My heart is fragile right now. My emotions oh Lordy they are off the track that is for sure. I know God will get me through this, He always does. I lean on his strength through this. I'm happy the world kept moving if it stopped when I had a broken heart I don't think I would be able to heal. Healing will be a long process but I'm so excited to see the love of Jesus again. I may have turned from him but he never turned from me. I will forever be thankful for His grace and mercy.