I never know how to act for a break up. Especially one that wasn't supposed to be. I'm not saying we should have never broken up, I'm saying we should have never started a relationship. You never expect to break up with someone when you get into a relationship with something, but for me that's all I thought about. I knew it would come but I didn't want it.
I've been listening to a lot of music you know being the typical teenager and escaping through sad music. Well I was listening to We The Kings and the line came up "what you want is not what you need" How true is that? A lot in my situation. I wanted something that I didn't need and wasn't good for me. My life became chaotic, secretive and at some points plan ole scary. I thought I wanted that I thought I wanted him. It all changes when you come back to God. I have always been that girl who everyone knew would rebel. I have a "rebellious spirit". I don't want that unless it is for God. I don't want a testimony, I thought I did but I don't. I want to be able to say I have grown up with God I never turned from him nor wanted to. I made many choices to turn away from God.
In my head I remember saying "look God, look what we are doing you can't stop me" "look God he loves me more than my family have ever loved me" "I will never listen to you this is so much more fun than the road you had me on". I was so wrong. Yeah being a Christian isn't easy, but it is so much more fun. Way more joyful as well. I ask myself all the time when did I turn from Him? Well it was a slow phase. It lasted for over a year. I have been living in sin for a long time. It started out small at first, but then grew bigger and bigger becoming my worst nightmare. I know in a week my life could be very different right now. My blog would probably not be about breaking up but maybe something new, small cute and cuddly. Stopping yourself from something shows great strength. I wish i had the strength to stop myself in the beginning. Sometimes you have to fall, or in my case a lot of times.
I never thought I would be scared without Jesus. I was deeply wrong. I am scared. I want my Jesus. I didn't know who to pray to anymore I didn't know where to find comfort. I. was. lost. I leaned on friends and the deserted me while I ran to a man. Everything was handled poorly and I let it be. I want Jesus to change me not because I stopped having fun in my sin but because I don't want to make him sad anymore. It hurt Jesus seeing me sneaking around, lying and playing games with his son's heart. My slow fade turned into a downward slide off a cliff. Just like right before you're in deep sleep and all of a sudden you feel like you're falling, that is how I felt. Right before I got into deep sin I realized I was falling and didn't have my Savior to catch me. Today he catches me. He holds me and says "you're forgiven my princess". Jesus will take control of my life I give up the drivers seat.
Even though all this sadness and new beginning with my Jesus is going on my life hasn't stopped. The world keeps spinning, as they say. Journals, Micros and homework is still due. Community hours still need to be met and a house still needs to be unpacked. Today was the first day I didn't want to sit in bed all day and cry since Saturday. I wanted to get up and do something with my life. I wanted to clean the house do my homework and get ready for class! Sometimes I still get very sad thinking about him being sad but for myself I'm happy. I have support from the friends that stuck with me through my bad relationship and the love from my family. I'm so grateful for the friends who stuck with me. The ones who walked away I don't think I even want them in my life. Who is a friend who walks away. I understand not knowing what to do but talk to that person. Get it out so you can say you told everything that needed to be said. Emotions have the way of getting in the middle of facts. Really all you need to do is tell the truth and be honest with yourself and most importantly God. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if my friend did what I did. I don't know what I would do. I probably would stick with them and keep showing the truth just like my true friends did to me. I'm so grateful for the support I receive.
God is leading me through a lot and I love that. My heart is fragile right now. My emotions oh Lordy they are off the track that is for sure. I know God will get me through this, He always does. I lean on his strength through this. I'm happy the world kept moving if it stopped when I had a broken heart I don't think I would be able to heal. Healing will be a long process but I'm so excited to see the love of Jesus again. I may have turned from him but he never turned from me. I will forever be thankful for His grace and mercy.
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