Picking up the Pieces

     There are so many things that change when you are in college, or in fact, just in the season of renewal and finding who you truly are.  I have been struggling with the idea of Hope.  Who she is, how she acts, how she will be respected and how she sees the world.  I don't know exactly what I believe, and I'm happy that way.  I don't need it to be black and white.  I'm so sick of thinking of the lines and boxes that are created for so many of us.  Maybe the lines aren't that clear.

      I'm content in my brokenness, sometimes that scares me.  I'm not exactly perfect.  It is so hard for me to attach myself to anyone.  My friends and family have been my greatest strength. Coming over when I least expect it, always finding things to do with me, and even walking miles while talking about life.  I do know that I am so much stronger than I used to be.  I'm not scared of speaking my opinion because it is mine.  It no longer is conditioned by someone else it is no longer just based off of one source.  Having an open mind is so freeing, but also knowing what you believe is too.  So far I have the open mindedness but now I struggle with finding where I stand on the big issues.  

     I am constantly battling something.  I believe that is what makes us human we are made through our fighting.  I am so emotional.  I never thought that I would be so.  I didn't know what depression was like until a few months ago.  Feeling myself get into that rut again I realized I don't want to be there anymore.  Laying in bed, not wanting to move, wanting someone to hold you, wanting nobody around, depression was confusion to me.  The confusion became the only thing in my head.  Questions of my self worth were so prevalent it was scary.  My self worth was as much as the scum of the earth that no one wants between their toes. I didn't even want to see myself in the mirror.  My hair was red, freckles layered every inch of my body, my thighs were just a little too big, don't get me started on my face.  I still got the attention of men, of course, I still have everything they want but to me that was the only reason.  Then, finally, the self discrimination became hating my personality. 

     There is nothing worse than hating who you are.  I felt as though no one liked the woman I am becoming/have become.  There was so much weight of everyone telling me I wasn't the person they loved, ouch.  If I wasn't that person, that made me unlovable.  I don't need others to give me self worth, but acceptance is nice.  

     With three classes on my shoulder and what feels like the worst wait for graduation, I take on the world.  I take it on alone because no one else can be me, it will be the greatest journey I will face.  I don't even know what to say my mind is so jumbled I could be in a dryer just spinning around and around.  Maybe I do know who Hope is, she is the one who cheers on her friends, who gives hope when there isn't one.  She is the one with the worst attitude, but the sweet spirit.  Yeah, I like that description, and not because it is true, but it is because those are my pieces that I have picked up on my own and I stand by them.