Let go, let God.

As you have guessed I am a teen. The website URL gives you the biggest clue. I have been going through a lot of different things this past, I'd say year! The slow fade is a very true statement; so is backsliding. I've been sliding down a fast and steady mountain. No longer was I in a relationship with God, my parents lived away from me an my sisters were busy with school. But what I would like to focus on is a relationship between a daughter and mother.

Everyone knows how a mom is supposed to act, caring, proud of their kids. Unfortunately, teens disappoint their moms. I am no exception.

Like most teens it was with a boy, not only a boy but a man. A mother's worst nightmare. Now as a babysitter I see a lot of moms and I am around moms A LOT! I understand moms do I understand it fully? No! But I understand the concept.

I think before we get any further we have to understand my mom. She is 5'6 looks 30 when she's almost 60 and has brown hair with glasses. Her close friends call her the pioneer woman. She is a "get 'er done" woman. If someone can't do it she will step up. She is self sufficient but able to make anyone feel wanted and needed. She is calm when teaching and loving when needed. She can sew, cook, manage money, raise and homeschool 3 girls and animals, she can sing, she can fix owies, she loves and honors her husband and faithfully serves God. She is a superhero. My hero.

But even heroes make mistakes. And her biggest mistake is probably her biggest feature. Her heart. She wants everyone to succeed and not make mistakes. But if they do her heart breaks for them and she loses respect she has held them to for so long. She has made enough mistakes without God she doesn't want anyone to make the same mistakes. Understandable, but not realistic. I and my mom are the same we learn from failure. If someone else tells us we are wrong or are doing wrong we won't listen we wait till we fail ourselves. Call it pride call it stubbornness. That's what we are! God made us like that for a reason. That reason is still unknown to me.

I don't like making mistakes. It crushes me when someone else is affected by an outcome from my errors. That is probably why it kills me that I have lost my mothers trust and respect. I haven't met a person who has gained my moms respect back after an error. That is the scariest and most disheartening of this whole thing. All I see when I look at my mom is failure, disappointment and the want to just give up. I am questioned at every decision. That wouldn't be a problem if I didn't hear that question as "you have failed again you are not worthy of my love or our Saviors you will never learn." Im a very sensitive person I will fully and completely admit that. (Also the way The Lord made me and I will never, ever understand why)

My relationship with my mom has always been good. When my sisters would play together and not allow me to play, my mom would play with me. We would have adventures doing boring chores but she made them fun. We would go outside and work on the yard. We did dishes together. Those moments I cherished.

In Jr. high my mom became a cashier at Wal Mart because my dad was laid off. I began to teach myself and spend a lot of time with my friends. My mom started to love her work and begin talking about that everyday. I soon began to raise myself. I didn't see her reading her bible everyday, although she may have when I was not around. I began to become self sufficient. I graded my own tests, I did dishes by myself. These are the moments I began having an attitude with my mom. That was 5/6 years ago.

When our house was hit by a drunk driver Super Bowl 2012 I became even more empty. Fights would happen between my grandparents and family. No one knew our "normal" routine because we didn't have one. That is the moment I had an attitude with my God. And altogether stopped our relationship. God chased me and I ran far away. Right into the arms of a man.

After I finally realized the world sucked and came back that's when my attitude with my mom started again. Disappointment flooded her heart while embarrassment and shame flooded mine. Soon bitterness set in. That is what I deal with on a daily basis. And that moms is something you need to recognize.
Bitterness starts at the root of all evil. It not only sucks for the recipient but the one giving it. Your heart becomes hard. You don't wanna get out of bed. All to punish one person. It is a hard thing to deal with. But the greatest thing for bitterness is kindness, support and the love of a mom. I know disappointment sucks. But think about the one you put that onto. Daily they remember the words you shot at them. "You didn't feel dirty?" "YOU DID WHAT?" "More than once???" And everyday they push them out of their head.

It will be a daily battle for the rest of my life. But today I decided to let the bitterness go. I can't change anything and neither can a mom. Just Jesus and that's what a child needs. Don't push Jesus away from them. Because it is SO easy to go back to the world. It just takes one step. It's not a threat but a warning. I've had my taste in this world and I don't like it but be careful one day you can't be there to protect them. Remember you have taught them well. They will use that knowledge for the test of their life.

Step back let God. That is what moms need to do for teens.

I love you mom. Just give me time.

Broken

" Want to know a secret? She's dying. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second. A little by little. She has an unbreakable smile, but a broken heart. She acts strong, but she cries herself to sleep at night. She's losing the battle within, but no one notices it. And this secret, is killing her on the inside. But she pretends that everything is alright on the outside. She's dying on the inside...She's losing the fight...She's fighting to stay on the right side...She's trying to be alright... But it's all crumbling and she just wants to give in and let go and take one last breath. "

Learning Differently ?

A lot of people say different things for disabilities. One of my favorites is "Learning Differently". Because that is me. I may not pass Math this semester. I wish I could say it was the professor who sucked, or there wasn't enough resources. But it was all me. I never focused cause I was texting my then boyfriend and making plans for after class. I never truly learned. Also I didn't want to ask my Dad for help because I knew he hated my then boyfriend and he seemed always awkward with me. I didn't blame him, I was trying to make him angry. So here I am with a D in Math 50. Not even college math. I never thought I would be in this postiion. It's not my Ex's fault it's not mine dad's but it's mine. I accept it but don't want to face it. In an hour I go and get my exam number 4 back and see if i actually passed. If I didn't it looks like I will be taking the class over again in the summer. Sometimes I wonder if I really have a disability but the only disability I have is not putting enough effort in.

I better go get ready to go. Time to face the music.

I am where I belong

Tonight is a night I can say with great courage, strength and positively, that I am where I need to be and want to be. I am an interpreting student at my local college and loving every minute. I have an amazing family who supports me, even though they don't understand one word of ASL. (okay maybe a few words) I have a class who loves each other and like any family gets into little tussles. Another thing I am so grateful for is an amazing friend and her name is Maeve.

Maeve understands everything I am going through. Not just because she is a very empathetic person but because we go through the same thing almost everyday. (except for maybe the fiance parts) I am so happy she is now apart of my life. She cheers me up when I'm sad and makes me fat. (she would say I make her fat but hey who cares) Maeve and I do all our lab work together, meaning we see each other on a daily basis. My life is one of up and downs but I can know Maeve will be there to ride the roller coaster with me! She treats me like a true friend should. I am so grateful for our new founded friendship. Thanks Maeve, you make me happy, ride the waves with me and make me remember who is in charge(Geri, just kidding). I am so happy to call you my friend. Forever and always. If someone told me I would be friends with that skinny, "knows more ASL than anyone in the room" girl I would of told them they are crazy. I would have said that we would never be friends, yet everyday I am reminded how wrong I would of been. Thanks Maevey for being a true friend to me.

My family encourages me everyday but like any family we go through rocky parts. Some days I do not want to be around them. (like tonight as I blog on the front porch) But that doesn't mean I don't love them, just means I'm fed up. After the cold breeze has hit my skin, my blood has stopped boiling. I will always be frightened by how close we are. My family is well, my family. Together we can face the world because they are my world. Thanks family for being, my family. Another member of my family that isn't listed under our same name is, Amanda.

What would I do without my Amanda. She is one friend you can never replace. She is a friend in all times. Times when we don't see each other, times where i make the biggest mistakes, times where tragedies strike, and most importantly when joy surrounds my life. Amanda has been there since I was seven. I do not know a time when she was not in my life. She has been there through everything. (I mean everything folks) She can save me from the worst situation, and pick me up and dust me off. She doesn't just leave me out to dry but cares and tells it like it is. (literally she'll tell me how stupid I am) She is brave. Brave enough to tell me when I'm wrong and brave enough to not say "i told you so". Amanda can not only help me in depressing times but lifts me up. If i'm excited she is excited. When I tell her I signed a math lesson she is joking and being excited with me. Amanda is one of a kind. (did i mention she is going into the Air Force? yeah she is tough) This girl has been with me through thick and thin, loving me the same. Even though we go through times when we don't see each other we pick back up where we left off. (or hear gossip of each other through our moms) We can go a whole month (or even more) and pick up RIGHT where we left of months past. This girl is crazy because she is my friend. Thanks Manda for being my wing "woman". I owe you a lot. (oh hey we should hang out ;))

These friends are just a few of the amazing people I call "friend". Without them I would be lost. Today all three of these people were on my mind. I realized how crazy my life would be without them. (especially because I had a dream that Maeve and Amanda couldn't see or hear me and they thought I ditched them and it was really heart breaking and I never want to lose them *BREATHE*)

I cannot wait to see where else my life takes me and who else I will meet. If I find more amazing people like the ones mentioned and unmentioned then i will be one blessed Hope. Tonight my name rings loudly, hope. I have hope for my future and for the next things life will throw at me. I'm ready.


This roller coaster of life wouldn't be much fun if i raised my hands and screamed by myself. I much prefer there to be other riders with me. I thank you all who ride with me!!! Without you it would be one boring roller coaster!

With that I say a hopeful Goodnight.