Twist of Lies

     I have experienced being so deep in a lie that it made me the person I am today. I am remembered of that lie everyday. Maybe not in a negative but in a positive. I see people forgiving me, they still love me for the person I am today. But then in the negative I see the friendships that were broken. My best friend since childhood lost her best friend. She couldn't even fathom who I had become. I hid it so well that she was jaded, hurt and most importantly, lied to. She felt like she couldn't even trust me. I couldn't even trust myself. I look at her and realize I chose a lie instead of her, I still don't know if our relationship will blossom again, I hope so. I hurt her so badly and I will forever have to deal with that. But I'm dealing with it in honesty now. I no longer hide who I am. But I live with my lie. It hasn't gone away, it hasn't just disappeared now that I have told the truth. I look at others who have forgiven me. Who look at me daily and say "I've moved past it." It makes me want to cry. How could people look at me I couldn't even look at myself.

     Lying is a trap. But when you are trapped you don't even know it. I know there are no excuses. But I see lying as an addiction. One lie leads to another, the other leads to a bigger one and sooner than you think you are living those lies. Every liar gets to a point where they decide to keep lying or to tell the truth. You also don't just hit that point once but many of times. When I was little my lying was exaggeration. If I came home and nothing exciting happened than, I made something exciting happen. I wanted people to look at me and see me as adventurous and fun. But some days adventures are boring, so I would spice it up. Soon bigger and bigger lies happened. I was pretty exciting but I couldn't be alone with myself because I would remember all the lies. I would confess them, but only to the point where it only showed some of the lie. I never really truly showed myself because there was so many.

     Story after story, I wrapped myself in my blanket of lies. It was cozy, it was safe. Until I realized that's not who I wanted anymore. Eventually I shared my past. My boyfriend didn't speak for me for days until finally deciding to move past it with the exception of trust leaving the table. My sisters wouldn't believe ANY of my stories. My friends would question them. It was a challenge. But I made it.

     Still to this day I lie. I catch myself in them all the time. I have a battle in my head, tell the truth? or spice it up? Sometimes I win, sometimes the lies win. I will always have this battle. But everyday I choose who is gonna win. I know a lot of people are in this battle and it doesn't seem that relevant but lies are something that happen with everyday conversations and actions. It hurts everyone involved when the liar is caught. I know it's not really a poem I don't know what it is but I started working on it after I realized that I am a liar and the lies that lies tell me.

Twist of Lies

I am an option 

But I come with a price

I will take the ones you love away

They won't know you

I will consume your thoughts

You will think of me at all times

I will hold you together

I will crush you when you slip

One small move

And I will be your first thought

I will tell you what to say

You will be frightened to share me

Trust you will not receive 

You will only be intimate with me

Your lovers will get over me

But I will never let you go

I will eat you alive

and you will make me grow

Hiding me makes me stronger

Exposing me kills you

Use me once

And I become your only option

The question runs deep and echos throughout my bones: Why college? I never wanted to go to college, my dream was to get married at 18 and never step foot inside a university. But in High School being a Hoomeschooler I had to go to community college for my language. I never knew I would fall in love with ASL or the Deaf community. When I graduated in 2012 I found out that ASL interpreters were now required to have a BA before taking the national certification. In 2011 I was excited to be able to get a degree for only 2 years and then work for the rest of my life. So I embraced it I found a school I liked, CSUN. It became my vision to go to a University. Still to this day I weigh the costs of my decision.

I could have stayed in San Diego and tested for my EIPA certification and worked in schools, being limited to only schools, no community interpreting. But I couldn't see myself working in a school the rest of my life when all I ever do is try to get out of schools. So I found a passion for legal interpreting and Deaf Blind interpreting. Both require me to have a BA. Not only do I have to achieve my BA but I also have to take certification tests after I graduate. Boy oh boy. That was not my dream.

Then, I met a classmate who wanted to go to CSUN also. She encouraged and pushed me to achieve all that we could. If it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't be here today. Sometimes I think about my dream of not wanting to go to school. But then I think about it, I'm going to be graduating college with only 4 "official" years under my belt and I'll be 21.

I wanted to achieve something when I went to college. I didn't just want to be another student. I have made a reputation as a student, I won't just listen but i'll question. I'll be silly, but i'll also be serious. I'll do anything to make class fun.

So maybe I didn't achieve my goal of being successful without colleges/universities. But I'm proud of myself for sticking through something I never wanted to do. With a supportive family, boyfriend and friends I know I'll push through, and if there are bumps in the road, I know I'll push through.

Why college? Because, Why not?