Twist of Lies

     I have experienced being so deep in a lie that it made me the person I am today. I am remembered of that lie everyday. Maybe not in a negative but in a positive. I see people forgiving me, they still love me for the person I am today. But then in the negative I see the friendships that were broken. My best friend since childhood lost her best friend. She couldn't even fathom who I had become. I hid it so well that she was jaded, hurt and most importantly, lied to. She felt like she couldn't even trust me. I couldn't even trust myself. I look at her and realize I chose a lie instead of her, I still don't know if our relationship will blossom again, I hope so. I hurt her so badly and I will forever have to deal with that. But I'm dealing with it in honesty now. I no longer hide who I am. But I live with my lie. It hasn't gone away, it hasn't just disappeared now that I have told the truth. I look at others who have forgiven me. Who look at me daily and say "I've moved past it." It makes me want to cry. How could people look at me I couldn't even look at myself.

     Lying is a trap. But when you are trapped you don't even know it. I know there are no excuses. But I see lying as an addiction. One lie leads to another, the other leads to a bigger one and sooner than you think you are living those lies. Every liar gets to a point where they decide to keep lying or to tell the truth. You also don't just hit that point once but many of times. When I was little my lying was exaggeration. If I came home and nothing exciting happened than, I made something exciting happen. I wanted people to look at me and see me as adventurous and fun. But some days adventures are boring, so I would spice it up. Soon bigger and bigger lies happened. I was pretty exciting but I couldn't be alone with myself because I would remember all the lies. I would confess them, but only to the point where it only showed some of the lie. I never really truly showed myself because there was so many.

     Story after story, I wrapped myself in my blanket of lies. It was cozy, it was safe. Until I realized that's not who I wanted anymore. Eventually I shared my past. My boyfriend didn't speak for me for days until finally deciding to move past it with the exception of trust leaving the table. My sisters wouldn't believe ANY of my stories. My friends would question them. It was a challenge. But I made it.

     Still to this day I lie. I catch myself in them all the time. I have a battle in my head, tell the truth? or spice it up? Sometimes I win, sometimes the lies win. I will always have this battle. But everyday I choose who is gonna win. I know a lot of people are in this battle and it doesn't seem that relevant but lies are something that happen with everyday conversations and actions. It hurts everyone involved when the liar is caught. I know it's not really a poem I don't know what it is but I started working on it after I realized that I am a liar and the lies that lies tell me.

Twist of Lies

I am an option 

But I come with a price

I will take the ones you love away

They won't know you

I will consume your thoughts

You will think of me at all times

I will hold you together

I will crush you when you slip

One small move

And I will be your first thought

I will tell you what to say

You will be frightened to share me

Trust you will not receive 

You will only be intimate with me

Your lovers will get over me

But I will never let you go

I will eat you alive

and you will make me grow

Hiding me makes me stronger

Exposing me kills you

Use me once

And I become your only option

The question runs deep and echos throughout my bones: Why college? I never wanted to go to college, my dream was to get married at 18 and never step foot inside a university. But in High School being a Hoomeschooler I had to go to community college for my language. I never knew I would fall in love with ASL or the Deaf community. When I graduated in 2012 I found out that ASL interpreters were now required to have a BA before taking the national certification. In 2011 I was excited to be able to get a degree for only 2 years and then work for the rest of my life. So I embraced it I found a school I liked, CSUN. It became my vision to go to a University. Still to this day I weigh the costs of my decision.

I could have stayed in San Diego and tested for my EIPA certification and worked in schools, being limited to only schools, no community interpreting. But I couldn't see myself working in a school the rest of my life when all I ever do is try to get out of schools. So I found a passion for legal interpreting and Deaf Blind interpreting. Both require me to have a BA. Not only do I have to achieve my BA but I also have to take certification tests after I graduate. Boy oh boy. That was not my dream.

Then, I met a classmate who wanted to go to CSUN also. She encouraged and pushed me to achieve all that we could. If it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't be here today. Sometimes I think about my dream of not wanting to go to school. But then I think about it, I'm going to be graduating college with only 4 "official" years under my belt and I'll be 21.

I wanted to achieve something when I went to college. I didn't just want to be another student. I have made a reputation as a student, I won't just listen but i'll question. I'll be silly, but i'll also be serious. I'll do anything to make class fun.

So maybe I didn't achieve my goal of being successful without colleges/universities. But I'm proud of myself for sticking through something I never wanted to do. With a supportive family, boyfriend and friends I know I'll push through, and if there are bumps in the road, I know I'll push through.

Why college? Because, Why not?

"and that's the honest to God truth, I swear!"

"Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement." C.S. Lewis

I have made a lot of 'finger posts' in my life. In fact, I have made a lot; now, people are starting to talk about them. Some say this, some say that and most of these people saying things haven't even talked to me.

My name is Hope and I believe Jesus died on the cross for my sins and rose again three days later. I believe he created the earth in 6 days. I believe the bible is a true statement from Jesus written by humans. I also believe humans fail, just as I have.

A long, long time ago (start singing the song), I started doubting my belief in what my parents firmly and respectfully raised me in. I was in 6th grade. I believed that their rules and regulations were just to keep me from the world. I had the regular kid mindset: my parents were stopping me from having fun. Soccer practice I wouldn't even act like a Christian, just someone who didn't do those things because it wasn't right. Why you may ask if I had such an amazing God on my side? Because of this: I did not see the loving side of Jesus Christ. I did not see the loving father.

My parents, especially my father, have a very logical/practical way about them. Even though my mom is a great dreamer everything she does has a practical purpose, and my parents thrive off of it. They know how to use it to God's benefit and understand everything. I on the other hand could not learn it the way they did. I didn't understand the love of Jesus. I just understood the FEAR factor. "if you don't follow Jesus you will be punished!!" Okay? So? My parents used to do that too, that didn't stop me from disrespecting them and doing all the things I have done behind their backs. Threatening me wasn't a reason for me to follow. I wanted to be loved in my love language wanted to be chased and experience that love that so many of my worldly friends and christian friends had but I still couldn't find it. I felt trapped in this, I'm not fully a christian but i'm not fully going to not be a christian, world.

In this world, I lied. L-I-E-D, lied a lot. To everyone. Not just my Christian family but to my worldly family too. I separated them so much that I couldn't fit into both worlds. So here I was stuck in a place I couldn't get out of unless I chose. Again, I was threatened. Choose or be gone. But my other world wasn't letting me do that. They didn't care what I did. They knew me as the respectable Christian and they knew me as a lying person, but they accepted me either way. Looking at that isn't it an easy choice??? Go with people who love me, go with people who accept me, follow my heart, yadda yadda. My heart is deceitful who do you think got me in this situation? My heart and myself.

Last summer (2013) I decided I didn't want to follow Jesus anymore. I wanted to know what it was like to make decisions without answering to anyone. It felt good. But then I had to pretend to be someone else, To my Christian family. I didn't know what I wanted. I then started questioning if God was even real. But I knew that was silly. He is real and I believe that. But why do I believe that? I don't know, because I was raised that way. That is not a reason I want to love such a big God. I want the reason to be because I love Him and He loves me and i respect him as the King of Kings. I felt like I had already failed. So I decided to do the one thing I knew was right: tell the truth.

BOY OH BOY. They say telling the truth is hard but feels so good and boy does it! It feels wonderful.

My name is Hope Beane and I have been faking. I would lift up my hands in church I would say exactly what I needed to and do exactly what I needed too. But I didn't feel it. I would look at God and feel so ashamed. How can such a little person be doing this to such a big God who deserves so much more respect. So I went to people i respected and told them EVERYTHING. Told them my struggle told them my pain. Again, I felt threatened not loved. Was it their fault? NO. Not at all. It was the situation and everything involved. They thought they were loving me how I needed to be loved. But I just felt completely alone. I have a great boyfriend backing me up and letting me find things on my own. But family and friends I grew up with talked about me instead of to me. Until two dear Christian ladies on separate occasions took me to dinner, looked me in the eyes and told me they loved me no matter what. Told me they want me to be with God but told me love was right here, even AFTER I told them I was terrible to my family. They knew I was wrong, and told me straight up words cannot be taken back. Told me I didn't have to respond the same way my family did, and told me my family was only responding to the attitude that i was displaying. Words of wisdom and love. No threat, no choices needed to be made, no hate just love. Love is powerful.

Soon, people started messaging me or deleting me off social media, and a few in person. Soon, my heart started to turn bitter. All these people knew a lot of things, I hadn't even talked with them. People who my situation didn't effect knew more than I could ever say. My actions showed a lot yes, but details were said that I didn't even know people knew. Many nights I cried. Many nights I yelled at God. How could people who said they would love me NO matter WHAT, start closing their hearts to me. I will admit and even testify to my TERRIBLE, behavior and words said to my amazing Daddy and family. I am not the victim in this and nor plan to act like one. I hate the words I said. I can NEVER get them back. But I can be sorry for them. I am living with them and probably forever will be.

But here I am, alone, in my room. I looked at my bible with an honest heart today all that went through my mind was the fact that I really didn't know anything in that book. I knew the famous stories but what about the rest? Bible trivia was never fun to play because it showed that I really didn't care. But now I do. I want to know what it has to say and WHY it says it. Cause of love for me? Cause of affection? I want to see the feelings in the bible. Not just the science and the logic.

I've been yelled at, excused, threatened. What else can be done? Throw it at me. Just know, I am finding who God is to me. If you still want to be bitter towards me by all means. But I don't care anymore. I have people who ADORE me. Who love me. Who will respect me even while I find out who this God is. I have an amazing family. They are great. What I have seen in these past few weeks before I left is a whole new family. Ones that love, care and even do bible studies together. That is a great family. I am sad that I'm not apart of that. "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything." I stand for finding God on my own. I'm tired of getting advice and not following it. I'm tired of expectations.

I'm not my family, I am me. There are a lot of questions, but I've heard of a big God who can answer them.

I go to my first class today, new people, new start. I can be whoever I want. With God or not. It's my choice.

As a great man said honesty always wins:

"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."

We are family

A month ago I graduated the Interpreting Training Program, I wanted to reflect on the strangers who became my family. I didn't have time to write out everything but I did find time to make this blog post as the semester was finishing, I just never got around to finishing it up. So here it is. I love you Class of 2014.

Amanda: The stranger. Amanda is the one who came in after interpreting 1. When she first entered I was intimidated and of course wondered who this "new girl" was. I remember one time we had to set up a ethical discussion circle and Amanda jumped right in and told us how to set it up. From then on I knew she had the mom mentality, I could definitely spot a fellow babysitter/nanny. We didn't really hang out much in interpreting 2, but I will never forget Amanda Kayla Sarah and I stayed late in lab. For some odd reason I got an energy boost from pizza, it was intense. Amanda sat through it laughing her butt off. I totally thought I lost every chance of proving to her that I was some what normal. Then in Interpreting 3 Amanda became more than just a friend, she became a classmate, and she joined the family. She is an encouraging person to be around one; look and you feel inspired. She is also an amazing Godly woman, she is chasing Jesus and is doing a great job. Her interpreting skills kick butt. She really proved she belonged in this program and nothing could hold her back. Yeah I may have made fun of her for being so "old" but she truly is a kid at heart. Whenever we are being immature she just sits back and laugh but I know that kid is trying to come out, I feel like we have helped with that. Because I sure know she has helped me and our class a ton. Someone needs something she is right there to fill the need. If someone needs an encouraging word she is right there making sure you know you're loved. If you're almost 6 years old and all your world consisted of at that moment was your lunchable, and it falls on the ground, she is right there with another one in hand. So Amanda, thank you for always having lunchables around, you have encouraged me so much. You may have been a stranger but now I call you family. Congrats on graduation Amanda(WEE WITH AN ASSOCIATES), you deserve it.



Clennie:C-cheek Oh Clennie (KLONKIE), by golly. I'm sorry I couldn't resist. Thinking back to interpreting 1-3 i realized we were not really friends. We were mainly friends because of Kayla. But this semester you have been my lunch buddy and I'm so grateful I was able to get to know you on a different level. I have seen us open up to each other a little bit more every Tuesday Thursday that passes. Your weirdness has finally showed itself to me, and I must say I'm okay with it. It was a little intimidating at first but then changed into "oh Clennie." You tell people how it is and make us laugh with your weirdness, or scare us enough to not want to walk with you in the dark, either way we still love you. On a serious note, you are a bad a** student, holy cow. Yes you may stay up watching murder shows (hence why we are still scared) but you get all your work done and understand most of everything before I even understand 2 + 2. I am really going to miss hanging out with you and procrastinating every tuesday and thursday. You made those hours go by quickly and made them fun. Especially when I wasn't really feeling like being at school. You inspire me to be a better student and for that I will take with me forever. Congrats on graduation Clennie you deserve it.



Emaleigh:Emmy! EM!!!! My fishy co-mom. (that sounds fishy.) I've known you since ASL 4. Which feels like forever ago! I remember I was jealous of your skill to be able to talk to Kevin so well and proficiently. Also, all your dresses were really pretty, so nice and casual yet looked good. I can say with you we have kept the same relationship all 4 semesters. Never getting into a fight just calm and cool. Last semester when we went on an assignment together I was really nervous because I was scared to share feedback together because we haven't really done that through the 2 years we have been in the same class, which was weird to me. But I remember you told me how great I was then said a little bit of constructive feedback and it made me feel so good. I knew you were more comfortable with the setting we were going into than myself so I was scared you would act better than me, and you didn't. I was grateful for that and when I shared my feedback you were so accepting of it. Em, you are gonna make one hell of an interpreter. Remember who you are and be secure in it.



Erin: SPARKLE! Well, this girl, what can I say about her? Everyone knows her as cute and princess like, but when you get to know Erin, she is that, but also so crazy. The first time I saw Erin, I thought "mmm, she's trying to be a fake red head." Then I found out she was obsessed with Disney, this is no normal obsession, this is like me and owl obsession, and I realized this girl has to be cool she has good taste. She started sitting next to this girl who had black hair looked the complete opposite of Erin but somehow they would whisper to each other and laugh really loudly. I knew I wanted to be friends with them but I didn't think 3 completely different people could be friends. There was that black haired pale girl that looked a little rough on the outside, then this sweet little long haired disney lover, then the Jesus Freak. I thought no way, but we ended up being really good friends. After getting to know Erin i realized why we all clicked, yeah we were all different but we each had a little quirk that was a little quirkier then the other. I remember one time we went to Sea World and Erin thought this one employee was super cute! Wanting to be the cool friend and having 20 seconds of intense courage, I ran after him and told him that the she was interested. Of course, something awkward had to happen because well, it was me, and he informed me that he had a girlfriend. Oh, the good ol' days. Well here we are Erin, we gave our graduation forms all together and are still friends to the end of the 2 years. I'm so lucky you are beside me while taking this journey. You make life fun and exciting. You're smile can light up a room, and your tears can make others cry with you, even if you're crying over a little boy who just wants to learn, dang it. I don't know what I would do without you here, now here we go as Maeve's bridesmaids. Can't wait to dance with you like crazy! So Erin, Congrats on graduation, you deserve it.



Jake: J-hair! My Jakey-poo, this gentleman is so crazy, but he is my Jakey. He is nicknamed Inappropriate twin, I'll tell you about his twin in a moment, but that is a very accurate nickname. I first met Jake in ASL 2 (?) I thought he was a pretty cute lab tech. I didn't know he was gay until ASL 4. Now that we are so close that is pretty weird to me because now he is my brother from another mother. When we first entered interpreting 1 and I saw him I was so intimated because I knew he worked at the lab and knew Kevin (Kevin was my whole ASL world) which meant Jake was in the know. His signing was pretty bomb and he knew the interpreting professor. I didn't think he would want to be friends with me and in all honesty I don't even remember how we started talking, but I'm so glad we did. I have great respect for him, I remember we had to go get a gift for our professor and we had a deep discussion about our opinions on certain debatable subjects, but in the end we agreed to disagree or even agreed, either way it was a respectable opinion sharing time. I remember one day I was completely drained. Everything went wrong, my micro, my classes, I felt like my life was over (drama queen hello), I walked into lab no tears, and Jake walked right up to me and gave me the best hug and told me it was going to be okay. I guess my body language said it all: Hug me or watch me fall. He truly was my support in that moment, he took all my pain and sadness, he may not know it but I do. I remember him just repeating a grade doesn't define you, it doesn't show who you are, I've heard that many times before, but Jake had so much empathy for me I could feel it in his words. After that he told me to show them what I've got, and to not let them win. It was almost 2 years ago but it still sticks in my head till this day. Jake, you are one amazing man, you are a great person to be around, even when we have had our little tiffs, I still respect you. I've seen you grow so much from interpreting 1 till now. I'm so thankful you are in our class. Jakey, congrats on graduation, you deserve it!



Maeve: Gravy! My best friend, my soul mate, my "I wonder if they are lesbian" partner! You are the reason I am here today. Your support, encouragement and sarcasm has gotten me through a tough program. You are so amazingly beautiful inside and out. I remember the first time I saw you in your speech class. You were so cool and punk/hipster I thought we would never be friends!! I remember seeing you in lab with a broken arm and bleached hair; I still thought you were too cool to talk to me. Then in terp 1 we went to an event together and well, I never went to another event alone after. We made a pack to do EVERYTHING together, and boy do we, sometimes not even our school work. You make me a better person, and show me how to live life to the fullest. I thought when you got into CSUN and I didn't that our friendship would become awkward, but instead it has become stronger; you didn't throw me away like so many have because you got something better, instead you loved me more. Thank you Maevey for always being so supportive. "I hate being bi-polar, IT'S AWESOME" ;) love you and our weird humor!!!! :) congrats Maevey I love you.



Nate: Late-Nate! I knew of Nate in Deaf culture, we actually had the same class. I didn't really talk with him until interpreting though. But even then he was that tall person who came in late and left right on time. It took us a long time to even figure out if he was married or what. He is, to an amazing woman who actually helped Clennie when she needed her wrist massaged and worked on. Pretty handy. Nate is a really skilled student and interpreter as well. He's super smart and asks so many good questions. Theres not really much to say about him. He never really got close with us but I do know he is great to work with. I can't wait to work with you in the future late Nate! I'll see you around I know you wont be at graduation so have fun with the wife!!! Congrats Nate, you deserve it!



Vanessa: V-cheek! Mommy, what would I do without you. For real. You are the so amazing to me! I met you in Deaf perspectives and I didn't really know who you were and thought you were my age. I thought you were super cool for being able to sign with Kevin so well. I also loved your hair and style. Then we started talking and I realized you were super cool, but you deff had way more life experiences than me ;) so you became an older sister or "mommy" figure to me! "Kartmen" will forever be a good acknowledgement of when you can't remember a name I should let it go. You are so wise and I think you forget that sometimes. Jj has a great mom, protector and role model for a wonderful woman. Never underestimate yourself, look at you, look at what you have become. You are one good looking mama! I cannot wait to spend time with you outside of the program and not being stressed! Also, I am so excited that you will be standing with me when our friend gets married!!!! Vanessa you inspire me to be the best that I can be! Thank you for loving me when I wasn't that lovable, and thanks for never giving up on me!! I love you!! Congrats on graduating, you deserve it!



Geri: wow, when I was in your class I thought I was gonna die, then in interpreting 3 I thought man I would die without the knowledge I have from you. You have equipped me so we'll and made my life so much easier for the rest of my education! You are a wonderful person, and even better teacher putting everyone before yourself. Geri, you inspire me toward hard and stay humble, thank you for all the knowledge you have given me!! You are wonderful! - a grateful student <3 Melissa: Melissa, thanks for being so understanding with us. Whenever I became overwhelmed with something that I thought was extremely important you put things in perspective, that is what a great teacher is made of. You helped us reach our end goal and do it successfully! You were always encouraging and rooting for us. I've never had a teacher wanting us all to pass and achieve what was best for each of us individually. Thanks for being an inspiring teacher and so flexible with all of our needs. <3 Katey: Red Leader, What can I say that I haven't said before? You are one amazing lady. Even though by the end I picked fights with you (I'm a ginger I can't help it), I still respect you in all ways possible. You showed me how to be respectful and still say my feelings/opinions appropriately. You showed a lot of us how to be an amazing interpreter without trying. Your perfectionist attitude made me want to achieve great things just as you have. Your calming attitude also showed me that working hard can be fun. Red leader, you shaped me into the interpreter I am today and I am forever grateful for that! You inspire me everyday with your love for life; don't lose your spark. Red Leader congrats your chick-a-dees have flown the coop! <3 I don't know what I would do with all of them. It is scary moving on and realizing most of them wont be with me anymore. Trying to publish this is hard because I feel like after I hit that button the truth of us not being in class anymore will come true. But one day with all of us having a BA after our names we will be assigned together and I just see us running at each other slow-mo arms extended, smile glowing and finally together again. Yeah, it's Palomar, HA, but outsiders will never know the difficulties of this program or the reason why the struggle has made us so close. Two years together and we have all become family. So sing it with me now as the song gets stuck in my head: WE ARE FAMILY, ALL MY LITTLE TERPS AND ME, WE ARE FAMILY, COME ON EVERYBODY SIGN!!!!