October I decided I was going to spend the rest of my life with one man. In April, I announced it on social media, but the next day we happen to no longer be together, talk about awkward. For all those people confused as ever, yes I was engaged, no I am not anymore, I am single. We planned our future, what would be told of our story to our children, the places where we would visit, the names of our kids and even the names of our pets (RIP Frankie the rat, if you don't get it, think the Godfather and the mob). Then, six months later, on a Sunday at 6 am in the morning, all of those dreams vanished. My life wasn't what I had planned. As most of my friends know I like to have things set in stone. I don't need everything planned minute to minute like my eldest sister (you need things organized please contact her), but I need to know the gist and the idea of a plan. My life was turned upside down. My heart crumbled into a million pieces, my dad took me into his arms, strong and safe I felt courage return. That moment of courage I knew that my fiance would no longer be that.
Days following I called all my friends, each friend made the pain hurt just a little stronger. Classmates: "I remember you being engaged, you are right?" Ouch. The pain showed through my eyes and was felt in my heart. I skipped a couple classes, stayed in bed longer than a human should. Cried so hard my eyes felt as if they were a desert. I hit my knees millions of times asking God why. Visits from my dad two weeks in a row were probably the only thing that kept me sane. Phone calls, texts, facetime, I felt the love, but still my heart was shattered. I remembered a quote that the gist was if you try to put glass back together you end up hurting yourself, that's how I felt about this relationship.
Everyone knew this relationship was scandalous and was frowned upon by most. I worked my butt off for this relationship, yet in the end it was my heart that I was fighting for. Through this process I have realized that heartbreak is selfish. Whenever my best friend talked about her problems I felt as though she didn't care about my own. Anytime someone mentioned their significant other I was wondering how they couldn't understand how much my heart hurt. The bitterness piled up. I was so selfish, this was my heartbreak, everyone should be catering to me. This world does anything but that.
Friends told me I should get over him, after all I was the one who broke it off. But the thing is, feelings just don't let go when the relationship is gone. In fact, they hold on as tight as they can squeezing every emotion out so far that you don't have any left to function. Being distracted, being busy, going out on a date, they still don't help. All I can think is I just want someone to grab my hand and tell me they love me, tell me that it's okay to feel something, it's okay to be numb, it's okay to process this. I hate waiting, everyone knows how impatient I am for events to happen. I just want to move on, but yet, I still want to hold on.
I've listened to break up songs, I've listened to sad songs, I've listened to empowerment. The only songs that have made it bearable are two songs from the most amazing man in my life, my dad, the first one is by Josh Groban called "You are Loved, (Don't Give Up)," the other was "Touch the sky" by Hillsong. Beautiful songs, music is a great way to heal. Still, selfishness showed, I was so angry that the people I most wanted didn't show me the love the way I wanted, bitterness grew.
Break ups do amazing things, they show who you are at your worst. I have been shown of the selfish prideful attitude I display. I am so prideful about my "sweetness" and "caring" nature that I want people to show me those traits as well. But I wanted them to show them to me in MY way. No one can do that unless they are a mind reader. This has shown me the reason that I am not ready for a relationship. I would rather be shown what I deserve than be appreciative of the way someone else shows love. I asked for so much and gave very little through my selfishness. I hate it.
Yeah, the million pieces of my heart are still everywhere, and no I'm not angry or bitter. I am just hurt. Hurt makes people do some stupid things. I'm so excited to go home and to be surrounded by support as I take on three summer classes. I'm not defeated by this, no one should be. This is a great reminder that hey, I have feelings and damn, I feel 'em. One day I will look back and say "wow that was a good life lesson." I cannot wait for that moment (I bet my friends and family are ready for it too).
All I ask is for some understanding, for some time, for some patience. I have been through many heartbreaks with my friends, I realized I said some wrong things because people have been saying what I say to them, and gosh darn those are not the things a broken heart needs to hear. Sometimes saying nothing and just giving a hug is the best thing on earth. I do not try to be selfish, but at the moment I need to pick myself up, all I ask is that my friends and family will stand beside me. Don't look down at me, I don't need pity, I need love.
Here I am trying to change and realize my selfishness to turn into hope, faith and happiness. I don't want to be sad, I want to be glad that the two years I had with an amazing man were great, I want to be brave. One day, one step, one moment at a time and eventually I'll be over the greatest mountain I have conquered in my life, I'm sure there will be more, but let's not think about that.
So cheers to the memories, cheers to the love that was had, cheers to the friends and family who keep me sane and cheers to moving on.
