"Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement." C.S. Lewis
I have made a lot of 'finger posts' in my life. In fact, I have made a lot; now, people are starting to talk about them. Some say this, some say that and most of these people saying things haven't even talked to me.
My name is Hope and I believe Jesus died on the cross for my sins and rose again three days later. I believe he created the earth in 6 days. I believe the bible is a true statement from Jesus written by humans. I also believe humans fail, just as I have.
A long, long time ago (start singing the song), I started doubting my belief in what my parents firmly and respectfully raised me in. I was in 6th grade. I believed that their rules and regulations were just to keep me from the world. I had the regular kid mindset: my parents were stopping me from having fun. Soccer practice I wouldn't even act like a Christian, just someone who didn't do those things because it wasn't right. Why you may ask if I had such an amazing God on my side? Because of this: I did not see the loving side of Jesus Christ. I did not see the loving father.
My parents, especially my father, have a very logical/practical way about them. Even though my mom is a great dreamer everything she does has a practical purpose, and my parents thrive off of it. They know how to use it to God's benefit and understand everything. I on the other hand could not learn it the way they did. I didn't understand the love of Jesus. I just understood the FEAR factor. "if you don't follow Jesus you will be punished!!" Okay? So? My parents used to do that too, that didn't stop me from disrespecting them and doing all the things I have done behind their backs. Threatening me wasn't a reason for me to follow. I wanted to be loved in my love language wanted to be chased and experience that love that so many of my worldly friends and christian friends had but I still couldn't find it. I felt trapped in this, I'm not fully a christian but i'm not fully going to not be a christian, world.
In this world, I lied. L-I-E-D, lied a lot. To everyone. Not just my Christian family but to my worldly family too. I separated them so much that I couldn't fit into both worlds. So here I was stuck in a place I couldn't get out of unless I chose. Again, I was threatened. Choose or be gone. But my other world wasn't letting me do that. They didn't care what I did. They knew me as the respectable Christian and they knew me as a lying person, but they accepted me either way. Looking at that isn't it an easy choice??? Go with people who love me, go with people who accept me, follow my heart, yadda yadda. My heart is deceitful who do you think got me in this situation? My heart and myself.
Last summer (2013) I decided I didn't want to follow Jesus anymore. I wanted to know what it was like to make decisions without answering to anyone. It felt good. But then I had to pretend to be someone else, To my Christian family. I didn't know what I wanted. I then started questioning if God was even real. But I knew that was silly. He is real and I believe that. But why do I believe that? I don't know, because I was raised that way. That is not a reason I want to love such a big God. I want the reason to be because I love Him and He loves me and i respect him as the King of Kings. I felt like I had already failed. So I decided to do the one thing I knew was right: tell the truth.
BOY OH BOY. They say telling the truth is hard but feels so good and boy does it! It feels wonderful.
My name is Hope Beane and I have been faking. I would lift up my hands in church I would say exactly what I needed to and do exactly what I needed too. But I didn't feel it. I would look at God and feel so ashamed. How can such a little person be doing this to such a big God who deserves so much more respect. So I went to people i respected and told them EVERYTHING. Told them my struggle told them my pain. Again, I felt threatened not loved. Was it their fault? NO. Not at all. It was the situation and everything involved. They thought they were loving me how I needed to be loved. But I just felt completely alone. I have a great boyfriend backing me up and letting me find things on my own. But family and friends I grew up with talked about me instead of to me. Until two dear Christian ladies on separate occasions took me to dinner, looked me in the eyes and told me they loved me no matter what. Told me they want me to be with God but told me love was right here, even AFTER I told them I was terrible to my family. They knew I was wrong, and told me straight up words cannot be taken back. Told me I didn't have to respond the same way my family did, and told me my family was only responding to the attitude that i was displaying. Words of wisdom and love. No threat, no choices needed to be made, no hate just love. Love is powerful.
Soon, people started messaging me or deleting me off social media, and a few in person. Soon, my heart started to turn bitter. All these people knew a lot of things, I hadn't even talked with them. People who my situation didn't effect knew more than I could ever say. My actions showed a lot yes, but details were said that I didn't even know people knew. Many nights I cried. Many nights I yelled at God. How could people who said they would love me NO matter WHAT, start closing their hearts to me. I will admit and even testify to my TERRIBLE, behavior and words said to my amazing Daddy and family. I am not the victim in this and nor plan to act like one. I hate the words I said. I can NEVER get them back. But I can be sorry for them. I am living with them and probably forever will be.
But here I am, alone, in my room. I looked at my bible with an honest heart today all that went through my mind was the fact that I really didn't know anything in that book. I knew the famous stories but what about the rest? Bible trivia was never fun to play because it showed that I really didn't care. But now I do. I want to know what it has to say and WHY it says it. Cause of love for me? Cause of affection? I want to see the feelings in the bible. Not just the science and the logic.
I've been yelled at, excused, threatened. What else can be done? Throw it at me. Just know, I am finding who God is to me. If you still want to be bitter towards me by all means. But I don't care anymore. I have people who ADORE me. Who love me. Who will respect me even while I find out who this God is. I have an amazing family. They are great. What I have seen in these past few weeks before I left is a whole new family. Ones that love, care and even do bible studies together. That is a great family. I am sad that I'm not apart of that. "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything." I stand for finding God on my own. I'm tired of getting advice and not following it. I'm tired of expectations.
I'm not my family, I am me. There are a lot of questions, but I've heard of a big God who can answer them.
I go to my first class today, new people, new start. I can be whoever I want. With God or not. It's my choice.
As a great man said honesty always wins:
"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."
