Hope is no longer hopeful

I don’t know what I’m doing here. It feels like everyone is against me, though I know no one is judging
me to my face, I feel like everyone thinks I am a liar and weak. Daily lies are told to me, told to myself.  
I’m not trying to be someone I am not. I don’t want to be this person. It hurts to hurt. Sometimes I just
don’t even want to live anymore. These moments are scary because I think of all the life I will miss.  
But the daily moments I feel like they last for hours. I feel like I can’t become calm.
I feel like I cannot live with myself alone anymore. That if I am alone I will want to exit this earth.
One day I hope to feel alive again.  Each day is a struggle to find zest. Each day I feel so
weak because just living takes 110% of my strength every single moment. Whenever I do something
it takes my whole strength and when I finish it it feels like my whole body was hit by a truck!  
It’s so frustrating when no one asks if I am okay, because they cannot see that I am struggling.

It hurts to not have my family and friends around.  To feel abandoned but also feel like I have pushed them away.  
So all at the same time I feel like i’m trying to get help but also feel like I cannot accept it.  
It feels as if I have exiled myself in the middle of a crowd. Like everyone is around me and I cannot touch anyone
for help.  I am alone on a spaceship that is only in my head. Where no one can see where I am going and nobody
believes the destination is real.  As if a rocket ship needs to find a place to land but just keeps circling the
atmosphere and maybe one day i’ll just blow up from the pull of the gravitational pull.

I don’t know if I can do this, but everyday i’m going to try.  I don’t know what to do but everyday I will do something. I don’t know how I am going to feel in a few minutes, but I will make sure to feel something and understand my feelings are valid.  I’ll stop waiting for one day, living each day to be a day that counts.

An Unsavory Meeting

Hi.

 My name is Hope Kubiak newly established 15 days before we met.  When we met it was not at the best time for you.  I could see that (I felt it too).  Let me tell you a little about myself.  I hail from a little town in North County San Diego, most people don’t know where that is till I say more familiar towns.

I grew up in the same house my dad grew up in.  It is not even 1,000 sqft.  But I love it.  In the backyard he taught me how to defend myself.  We put on boxing gloves and pretended to punch each other.   Oh yeah, I was also homeschooled.  My dad taught a class about self-defense.  It was my whole class in all my education I paid attention to.  My dad would call my mom and tell her he was going to come home, change out of his painting clothes and after a long day of going up and down ladders he was going to teach his daughters how to defend themselves.  He was exhausted, I don’t know where you come from but in Southern California it is very hot.  We have two seasons “hot” and “not too hot.”  But he took this time to show us some tricks.  I showed them to you too.  My dad is not touchy feel-y as some others, the way he shows love is teaching and pouring his time into us.  At my wedding, you would have thought he was very emotional but I tell you, I’ve only seen my dad cry a few times.  He always made sure we knew with the right moves we could control a situation.  He also taught us to love everyone.  My dad was someone everyone respects, even if you disagree with the man, you will respect him.  Though he didn’t go out often his girls were all over, social butterflies, we honored him wherever we went and whenever people saw my dad you’d hear something on the lines of “your girls are great” or “you are one great father your girls represent you well” and my personal favorite “I just love your wife and your girls.”  He is kind, loving and a father who will swoop you up when you are down.  I wonder if you didn’t have that in your life.  Everyone deserves a good father.

Now let me tell you about the other half of me, my mom.  Most people call her the pioneer woman.  She is strong enough to take anyone out, she also knows karate.  She isn't very mama bear as some people have in their moms.  She protected us and guided us but in a way, you didn’t even know she was doing it.  My mom has spirit.  Luckily enough for me she brought out my spirit, unlucky for her unfortunately.  That spirit argued every day, told her “no” more times than I probably have ever said it to anyone else.  She taught me to do whatever I wanted in a guided fashion.  Listen to advice, ask for help and most importantly be who you are without regret.  My mother is known for trail blazing. She doesn’t take “no” for an answer and she really hates maybes and the word “whatever.”  My mom shed a lot of tears for me.  That spirit got us into a lot of battles, I say battles because the definition talks about resisting something, and I was determined to resist her directions.  Sometimes she would be so sick of these struggles she would threaten to get me out of the house by sending me to public school.  But I knew that was an empty threat.  Because my mom loved me and she was a fighter, if she didn’t have something to “mother” she wouldn’t think she was doing enough.  If you want to know a secret about my mom I’ll tell ya: my mom will make sure she does her part, she will hurt herself just to make sure her weight is being pulled.  My mother is not one to surrender and to lose a battle was to surrender, my mother made darn sure I always yielded (even if I did it my own way).  You see, you must get the picture now.

When you came at me you didn’t just come at me.  You came at my family.  There are two other very important people you need to know.  People who’ve always had my back.  My sisters.  See you met a little bit of them.  I don’t want you to know their names I feel you don’t get that, so Jasmine and Johnson are the names I’ll use.  Jasmine is loud with a huge heart.  When we would go to parties you could hear her voice in the other room Johnson and I would thrive off that! It made us feel comfortable knowing there was someone here who believed in us who was having fun and who could make anyone feel comfortable.  Jasmine is opinionated.  She will tell you what she thinks.  She will not back down when she has something she believes in.  I respect that so much, it might have been frustrating growing up but you know now as adults it’s something I admire.  She is transparent you never must wonder where she is coming from because she has already told you.  Johnson is similar in that way, however she is quiet.  I would not say silent as I originally thought of saying.  She is strong.  Man is she tough but oh so gentle.  She cares with all her heart and sometimes that gets her hurt.  Johnson loves to laugh, she loves to share moments with people one on one.  When she has you just her and you, you feel like you are the most important person in the world.  She has a way to stop the world from spinning and get you in the right place, she can calculate a room full of people and know exactly what to do. She is slow to speak and quick to attend.  Because of Jasmine’s volume and strength with Johnson’s ability to respond to a crisis you got a taste of my sisters through me.

This is the part where I met you.  You grabbed me.  Then as I used my dad’s training and my mom’s determination you realized you had to go harder.  So, you did.  You squeezed the breath right out of my lungs.  You tried to make my feet leave the ground but you soon realized that gave me enough room to swing my legs to kick your shins.  You changed tactics you decided to try to just pull me along.  That is when jasmine’s volume and strength kicked in.  I started to scream I used the word I said to my mom a million times, I am so skilled at saying it, I used jasmine’s volume and without warning I screamed “NO!” It startled you I felt you loosen up even just for a second then Johnson’s calculations started to buzz in my head.  I knew I could not go with you I could not give up my ground if I did you would be able to pull me along.  I put my heels into the ground.  Realizing I needed to do more I wondered where it would hurt you the most.  I remember my sisters accidentally elbowing me right between my ribs there is a good spot there. With the swiftness my dad taught me I stopped swinging at your face, balled my hands into fists and pulled my hand away from my body as much as I could then with my mom’s determination I slammed my elbow again and again straight into that spot.  Oh boy, I hurt you.  You squeezed so hard. I screamed again.  We stayed there for a while you were meeting my whole family one by one. 

Then you met me.  I didn’t let you win.  I am the girl who doesn’t let things go.  I can’t let a bad situation go.  If I know justification is not being served I will not stop.  I brought my stubbornness for what is right.  It was not right for you to grab me.  I wish you had someone fighting for you rather than against you.  I am not glad we met, that would be a lie.  However, I am grateful the situation ended the way it did my family is also.  I met you for a reason and right now I don’t know why maybe you needed to meet me more, than me you.  I will become stronger and become even more of myself because of this.  I hope you can find who you are with all the parts of your family and friends that raised you as well.  My hope is that you will find the good in your life and focus on that.  

Everyone can do great things if you apply yourself and maybe it’s not you who you need to focus on but those that make you great.

Sincerely,

The newly Mrs. Kubiak

Dear Ezra

Dear Ezra,

I wish you could understand how much you help me every single day.  I wish you could hear my words when I say, “I love you.”  I wish you could know how much you saved me. 

When he came after us I was scared.  I didn’t know what to do and felt frozen for a minute.  I think you did too.  Then you turned, you became brave.  Your voice broke the words that he said.  When I heard you I heard my heart, I heard my strength return to me.  I felt my muscles engage.  My legs started to swing, my hands went to any place I could feel.  I smacked. I punched. I joined in with you and screamed.  We hurt him, I heard him grunt, I felt his grasp tighten because he knew we were strong. He didn’t move. We didn’t let him move.  We went in on it together.  Both small, both scared.  We saw the others approach I saw your tail wag.  You knew help was here even though you were still going.  Then the world stopped I had you in my hands.  Your guard still up, your fur still unable to relax, my hair was standing up too.  I could feel every part of myself, could you feel your legs? I could feel the muscles pulsing ready to keep struggling.  The walk back to our home you never left my side. I don’t think I even put the leash back on you.  You walked beside me tall I felt your nose on my ankles.  I knew you were right there. You never let me forget.

That night I had nightmares.  So, did you.  When we put you in the crate you would not let us be apart.  You scratched you whined louder than we have ever heard.  You ran out of dad’s arms’ to be in mine.  That night I felt you.  I don’t think you knew but I felt you check on me.  Maybe you had a dream I wasn’t breathing so you had to make sure reality was still true.  Reality was true.  We are okay.  Because of you we are okay. 

Sincerely,

Your mom. 

Life update: A Washington Barista?

It has now been three months since I have been here in Washington, the roller coaster I have been on is incredible.  Starting off I was terrified to have left my family, friends and my whole life in California.  I couldn't believe I had done it.  It was liberating, scary and fun all at once.  I moved here and started work a few weeks after settling in.  Work has it's challenges but also is very rewarding, the team that I work with are all very supportive and kind.  They welcomed me in with hugs.  I adopted a guinea pig as soon as I could which was fantastic and she is a little spit fire mixed with sweetness.  Alice helps me through those days where all I want is comfortable faces.  Learning to have long distance friends and a boyfriend have been a challenge.  It is interesting how relationships change when you are the one to move.  Most of my childhood friends had left California before I had, so those friendships have already been long distant,  but when you leave you realize the other side to that relationship.  It is a struggle of wanting to be in the life of you friends as you have been while living close by, and the realization that, that's not going to happen. You will still be in their life, for sure if it is a good friend, but it is different.  Coming to accept that is still a process that hurts my heart but also is growing me as a person.  I love the weather here, my apartment is almost all furnished and I have made quite a few friends.  One friend I met at work, we had been seeing each other in passing but never actually spoken words to each other.  Finally we went up to each other and literally asked "want to be friends?"  We are now friends! We get together for dinners and talk for hours, it is a great friendship.  Both of us are in the same situation where the team we work with is a little older than us so it is nice to have a fellow coworker and friend who is the same age.

On that point I did start a second job.  I decided to work at Starbucks for the social aspect.  I wanted to get out and meet people my age, while having a second income coming in.  I got the job in October and last week I started training.  Today was my first day on the floor and it was quite exciting.  Another reason I started this job was because I wanted to be on the other side of customer service.  I have heard how ugly people are and how crazy it is to have to keep being nice to them.  I thought it would be a good character development to understand someone else's shoes.  Working with customers is nothing I've ever done before.  So far I love it, I haven't dealt with a bad customer but seeing the smile on someone's face when you ask how their day is going really brightens your heart.  I hope this feeling I have won't go away after a few months of working in this field.  I really want to brighten people's days and make sure they know that I do care about making their day a better one.

I'm sure there will be more adventures to come! I have driven to Idaho having my own mini road trip all by myself and it was an amazing experience.  I do enjoy being alone, as much as everyone knows how social I am, but I also get lonely every so often; however, I absolutely love it here.  I am having the time of my life starting new things I thought I would never do, and really embracing who I am as a person.  I don't know what the far future has in store for me, but I do know that living day by day is really making an impact on who I am.  I love living in the moment and have really been happy the majority of the time I have been here.  Now if I can go in for allergy testing and stop getting sick every few weeks then my adventures will double in their numbers.  I got some recommendations for doctors and allergists so now I just have to make appointments to see why my body hates Washington! Overall I'm having the time of my life and I'm so grateful for the support that I get from my family and friends.  The holidays are right around the corner and I am staying in Washington for them, that will be hard.  I know that's just my life right now and learning to love everyone from a distance is a great skill to have.  I can't believe last May I was wrapping up my education and now here I am using those skills while adulting to the best of my ability.  2016 has really been great to me, even though it has been a tough (but rewarding) year I cannot wait to see how it finishes out!

4 things I've learned in 4 years of college

Today I made my event on Facebook for my graduation party, we all know it is real when Facebook has it officially as an event.  I can't believe that I have gone through 4 years of college.  Even though it has felt like a long time it also is a very small part of my life compared to the rest of my life.  I am 21, hopefully I will live to be 90 which means only a little less than 1/3 of my life was spent in college.  That is really nothing.  But in these four years I have learned some valuable lessons. 


1. Friends will magically appear, I just stepped out of my comfort zone for 10 seconds


I'm not saying they fall out of the clouds or something but they arrive at your front door sooner or later (sometimes literally, hi roommates).  It could be the person who is in your group project who laughed at your joke, or the person who laughs with you at the teachers stupid jokes and you finally asked if he thinks they are funny, or just so pitiful you have to laugh. Even your roommate who invites you to a party that you would never say yes to except in those 10 seconds; or the person you ask if your in the right class on the first day which took you almost 10 minutes to finally ask.  It doesn't matter how it begins it all can end the same, you could find a forever friend.  Now this friend won't be like a friend who you have grown up with this friend is new and exciting and is really the best thing you need.  Someone to complain with cause they know what you are feeling, exactly, someone who is low maintenance cause you're going to see them in class more than once a week so you don't have to worry about planning anything.  It is great to have these types of friends and these friends teach you that one small interaction can lead to one great friendship. 


2. It's okay to not know who I am and still stand up for what I believe is right


During college I had no idea who I was.  I was going through so many different "identities," if you will, trying to figure out what I believed in.  Sometimes I contradicted myself but, at that time, I thought that I was correct in believing in what I stood for on certain issues.  I would be alone in my room at night and think to myself "who am I?" that question haunted me and sometimes still does.  After four years of teachers teaching their opinions and realizing that I didn't agree, I finally figured out what I believed for the big topics, in the grand scheme of things.  Hearing someone's opinion and thinking they are wrong, you realize, in that moment, what is right to you.  You don't have to sit there and take what they say as fact, it is your chance to figure out what you believe, and sometimes that means your opinion gets changed and that's okay.  Life is ever changing and your opinion can change, I think a lot of people forget having an open mind means that your opinion can be changed that isn't giving up on your beliefs it is recognizing you may have it wrong.  You may not think you are wrong, I didn't and that's fine, then hold true to those things that you feel strongly about it will shape you as a person.  I can proudly say I am so much closer to being the woman I wanna be and hey, I'm proud of me.


3. It's okay to say no, no really, don't go to the party it isn't fun go back to Netflix


I have been to a fraternity party, home group parties, kick backs, all kinds, they are not fun.  I am sure some are fun and that's cool, I'm sure people at the same parties as me thought they were just roaring.  But I'm that girl in the corner trying to sneak away from the crowd or silently wishing I was home, bra less, in sweatpants.  It's cool to test the water, why not?  But don't feel obliged to say yes and to keep appearances, it's fun to curl up with a good friend and to binge watch a show. I didn't have the "college experience" and I have no regrets! 


4. Grades don't define me and timing is everything


I am stopping my education at my BA.  I didn't even think I would make it this far, dropping out was not far from a good idea to me.  Then I found out that grades aren't a make or break situation.  Yes, you need good grades but you wouldn't be at a four year university if you didn't know that.  But my motto was C is for complete and I ended up not even getting a C as a final grade in any of my classes at CSUN.  In college there are so many other things to worry about, life is happening.  I know that I feel like that is a contradiction to college, but it isn't.  I had to complete the work that was ahead of me and complete it in a way that would mean that I was passing the class, but that doesn't mean I skip out on adventures.  Go get that late night drink with a friend instead of studying through the night, go for a walk to clear your head with your roommate, listen to music and eat cheese balls together.  School isn't everything, the college experience isn't everything, life is everything what feels good to you is what is important.  I truly believe high school is where you find yourself, college you discover what you are made of, and then in the real world is where you build your reputation.  Each stage you find a bit more of yourself so don't allow college to define you, if you get a C it's okay (depending on your major, sorry med students).  It is all about finding timing, you can time in procrastination, that is probably the art of procrastination.  Don't miss out on the people who are supporting you through this process, if you don't give them your time you don't get the support you need to keep going, boy do I know.  Recharging through those around you is so important.  I have one regret through my college years, I never used all my given absences and I wish I had, they are given for a reason use them up.  I guess in my timing schedule through college I could fit all the classes in, but that might not be the case for everyone and sometimes those people who missed more than me got better grades.  If your brain isn't in the class it is worthless being there anyway.  Time it out, and remember the grades aren't your worth.


Cheers, 2016, I've waited for you.

What it is like to have an Emotionless Best Friend

Okay no she's not really emotion less, let's just say her emotional spectrum is 1-100 where mine is 0-1,000. And I will never understand how she survives. But I will understand the support and comfort she gives me through everything.

We met when our mutual friend was getting married, she was the MOH and I was a bridesmaid. We had our friend's shower at my grandparents' place so we stayed up all night, complete strangers, bonding over crafts, last minute adjustments and energy drinks, the next day we hosted the party on 3 hours of sleep, with the help from the rest of the bridal party. I will forever thank our friend for allowing us to meet.

Through this time we started talking and as I try to think how we got close I can't tell you how it happened. Just all of a sudden we are close and we all lived happily ever after. Sometimes I wonder how we actually make this happiness happen, we are as different as apples and oranges. We knew we were different, but as much as we are different we are the same, just the same as an apple and an orange are completely different but still fruit. You could say that about us, opposites, but weirdos just the same.

My emotionless counterpart, is happily married, you know that mushy first year of marriage stage, but also long term relationship stage, since they are high school sweethearts. Let's take her marriage for example, when something cute happens, my first reaction is welling of tears in my eyeballs, but hers is to say how gross it is. But she knows how I will react and still wants my reaction (who wouldn't want their best friend to think they are the cutest couple on this earth). With that we can take all my relationships and see the drama zone in each relationship and when I share something dramatic, her response is level headed, calm and well, emotionless. Her response is based solely on the facts that were presented to her, not on the emotions.

If I could count the times she has called me out for being crazy (or emotion filled) we both would be rich, cause you bet I'd share my money with her. But these interactions are ones we thrive for. I need and desire someone to look at my situation in a way that I cannot, and I know sometimes I may be overboard with my reactions yet, she likes the outward response I give, because i know she feels these emotions she just doesn't express them as I do.

How do we do it? I'm not sure, maybe it's the draw to the opposite, maybe it's the pull of the similarities. I do believe a soul mate can be a friend, someone you absolutely adore, someone you wouldn't want to part from. I don't mean part from each other like a daily distance, but part in the form of parting ways. I wouldn't wanna lose my emotion lacking friend; I believe our souls speak to each other in ways we can't even understand fully.

For all those people who can't control emotions I believe you need a friend who doesn't even have emotions to control. The deep thinkers, the introverts, the jaded, the ones who won't show you them until they are ready, no matter what you say to encourage them to share, they won't. We need these people in our lives, without them we wouldn't have the outlet we need. My boyfriend has to deal with my crazy and if he had to listen to all the craziness my support has to listen to he would go insane, one person can't handle all of the crazy that is in this red headed mess. She knows my inner thoughts, what my heart desires, you could say she sees the intimacy I'm scared to give to other people. Does that mean I don't give it to my boyfriend? No, it just means she opened me up and found me first and things are different romantically and platonically.

I've had many best friends and do have many close friends I'm not one to have many friends but instead a tremendous group of close ones. But never have I shared as much as I have with this particular person. She sees me when I'm a wreck, when I'm a disaster, when I can't see straight, when the anger takes over my mouth, when the anxiety cripples me, she's right there looking at me fully saying I got your back. Even if that means telling me I'm wrong, pointing out the flaws in my judgement, it doesn't matter cause she's on my team, as I am hers.

Sometimes I wonder if she can feel anything, and then she opens up to me. I can't scream and shout cause if I did I'd scare her back into her rabbit hole. But I take that in my heart and treasure the courage she had to tell me something that she had deep, deep, deep down. For once I don't wanna tell anyone else information about how amazing my friend is because they'd probably look at me crazy for being excited that she told me about a personal achievement, cause to them that's friendship it's sharing, but they don't know my friend, I do. I know the progress that was made, I know the leap she took and didn't know where she'd land, and I was there to, figuratively, catch her, cause let's be real, I don't have the best reflexes to catch anyone.

Today, I saw my friend, she was exhausted, and we were getting coffee.  We just sat and talked on and off barely making a conversation.  These are the days I adore, the days I realize how much I love her friendship.  We text 24/7, sometimes even in our sleep, we are always there for each other.  But those days when we don't have much to tell each other (since we already did 5 minutes ago through a text), we just sit and bask in what we have.  The times we plan to visit each other, the days that we have to cancel cause life got in the way, but then re plan for a future date, these are the times I imagine friendship should be like.  Here I am living it.  I'm not saying my other friendships haven't given me this joy, but this comfort I have never felt so fast and so overwhelmingly strong.  

Here I am writing a blog about how amazing she is.  She is probably the most non-gushy person ever, but here I am throwing all emotions into every word I type, bad grammar and all.  I am so grateful for my emotionless bestie, she keeps my emotions in check and I make sure she knows that feeling is okay.  Feelings don't have to be scary, they don't have to be pushed away, you can't have the good feeling without knowing what a bad feeling is.  If you're like me and have too many emotions to contain in your body, keep your eyes open, when you don't expect it you might run into someone who isn't like you, be open, embrace it.  Who knows, you might find a forever friend.  

To feel something at all

When I arrived back to Northridge I always take time to evaluate who I have become over the time that I have been back home.  Well, I have come to the conclusion that I am not who I used to be.  Who you pretend to be is who you become.  After my first heartbreak I let myself go, by that I mean, in Joan Jett's words I didn't give a damn about my bad reputation.  Through my relationship with my ex I had been hard at work working on my lying and exaggeration in my story telling.  I was making a great reputation for my inner self and felt really good about who I was.  The support from my ex is what kept me going, his honesty. (later to be known as not so honest) 

So this summer I dealt with the fact that someone I thought had my back through everything did not.  I've never faced heartbreak before but the way I respected myself after it was over was shameful.  Or the fact that I didn't respect myself was the shameful part.  The thing was is that the tool that hurt me became a tool that I made mean nothing to me.  I no longer held it as a higher standard.  So in turn my respect was no where to be found.  Let alone to let myself feel anything for someone, and when I did, all the pain just came back as I allowed another to hurt my heart once again.  That is when I decided to close my heart so no one could break in anymore, not allowing myself to feel hurt, let alone joy, fully.

Here I am in Northridge.  While I was here I was in a relationship being single up here is quite weird.  But it is who I am.  I have realized that there are things that you cannot come back from.  Yes it is in the past but that does not mean it dissapears or doesn't haunt you.  It follows you.  100 miles away and I am still dealing with lies and the issues I created for myself solely for attention.  I thought bad attention was just as good as anything else.  I was wrong.  All i have recieved is mainly good attention, from that point i hadn't really done anything disgraceful.  But now that I have, I don't like it.  Do I regret my past? no not all of it, but I do regret the reputation I built.  It could have been much more respectable but how can you be respected by others when you don't even feel like you deserve respect?

I have been going on nightly walks with a friend, and in those times I think about who I am to him, he met me as the not so respectable woman.  He has never met the sweet loving Hope.  He knows the jaded, emotional, witchy woman that I am today.  It saddens me.  Because that Hope is gone and there is nobody I mean NOBODY who could bring her back except myself if I would choose to do so.  Frankly I love this woman who can not feel every single thing, who can hide the pain, who can be alone and feel okay.  But that endearingly naive, smart, funny, too trusting and the one to jump in fully with no shame of her feelings young girl is gone.  I can't get certain parts of me back.  But I can become the person I want to be just as I have become the woman I am today.  

It will be a long and hard journey finding the balance of peace and joy again, but I am so ready to climb all up hill if I have to but I will, I want to be Hope filled (oh so punny), and joy to return to my everyday life.  I am tired of not being okay with who I am on the inside.  I will make this happen I am determined.  To being a senior, to being whoever I want to be, to being the respected, to being someone who leaves a mark, to feeling joyfilled emotions again, to feel something at all, cheers.   

Spontaneity

     This past week I have had the opportunity to take on an adventure, I can't believe I actually took it.  I still surprise myself that I said yes, almost everything I have ever done has been with a friend or family member.  But this past week I have done a camp called Live Up, gone to Big Bear and Joshua Tree, visited friends out of town and rollerbladed on the beach.  Now that I am back to reality I don't want to be here, the memories will be overflowing to have been one of the greatest summers yet. 
     Live Up is a camp for adults with Down Syndrome, my cousin tagged me on a post on Facebook because they were missing one more female buddy.  I half heartedly did the application in class just to pass some time in math.  The next day I got a call to see if I would finish my application and come to Live Up San Diego.  Knowing absolutely nothing I said yes knowing I was leaving right after my last final.  I finished all my finals and hopped in the car on my way down to Point Loma.  Upon arriving I felt barely to any anxiety, which was something odd for me since I have anxiety going to school every morning, maybe it was the lack of sleep from finals who knows.  I was greeted with smiling faces and hugs.  First night getting to know everyone was fun and exciting but also scary knowing I was the only one who hadn't done something like this before.  But the next day prepared me and I was ready for the day to start.
     The weekend flew by, theater, dancing, ping pong, bus rides, more dancing, soccer (which was my favorite), padres game, even more dancing, laughter, joy and exhaustion.  Every minute I treasured and soaked up.  The joy on everyone's faces made me feel so comfortable.  Any form of nervousness or anxiety had fled out of my body.  I wasn't prepared for so much fun.  Everyone was equal, no one was better than others, I wish the world was full of the people that were at the camp, if it was, the world would be a better place. 
     I always thought that adventures needed to be planned out step by step but for some reason, with great hesitation, I said yes to adventures.  I am so glad I did.  I'm so glad that I could actually do something and not feel the pain of anxiety or nervous heart thumping.  I realized just being me and getting out there is a lot more fun than sitting at home being scared.  Does that mean I will take every opportunity I can? Probably not, but it means with hesitation I can say yes and it can be fun.  I surprised myself with the spontaneous adventures but oh, what a good surprise it was.  

Content and Alone

"Do no harm, but take no BS." I am a sensitive person.  I like to be told of how I make people feel good.  I love to be in relationships, family, friends, it doesn't matter I love to be involved with people.  I am a social butterfly.  I love to be needed, but mostly, I want to be wanted.  Not to sound selfish at all, but I am an extrovert and I love the attention and giving attention.  Except, when I feel that I am being used, that is when I shut down.  I no longer feel good with that person anymore.  Usually it is because they no longer want me and for that, now they don't appreciate my time but they need me to fill it.  I don't take my time easily, my time is precious because I want to spend it doing things I enjoy.  If I am only a place holder, I do not want to be there.  But how do you know, how do you feel honesty and know it is true?


I never ever want to hurt people, ever.  I want to be kind, honest, caring and empathetic that is my goal in life.  I don't want any harm to come to someone from my actions, I also do not want to be taken advantage of.  But unfortunately I do make mistakes; the thing I'm learning is that mistakes are to grow you and to not be repeated.


I want to share a journey of walking this earth as a person in touch with herself.  No longer making friends and trying to fit in but fitting my friends to who I am.  To be honest, not only with others, but for once with myself.  I no longer will settle.  No more self destruction.  My journey will be finding myself in the chaos of life.  Because living life isn't just settling in every situation it is going above and beyond in any environment, any relationship and that includes yourself.  Settling comes from being un-content with yourself.  To look down on who you are.  No one should ever feel that way about themselves.  I'm not exactly sure how to figure this out, but I am so excited for a journey with being content with aloneness, not loneliness, but aloneness. There is a huge difference between those two words.  For the rest of this summer I will be discovering aloneness, and for once, I am completely thrilled.

Picking up the Pieces

     There are so many things that change when you are in college, or in fact, just in the season of renewal and finding who you truly are.  I have been struggling with the idea of Hope.  Who she is, how she acts, how she will be respected and how she sees the world.  I don't know exactly what I believe, and I'm happy that way.  I don't need it to be black and white.  I'm so sick of thinking of the lines and boxes that are created for so many of us.  Maybe the lines aren't that clear.

      I'm content in my brokenness, sometimes that scares me.  I'm not exactly perfect.  It is so hard for me to attach myself to anyone.  My friends and family have been my greatest strength. Coming over when I least expect it, always finding things to do with me, and even walking miles while talking about life.  I do know that I am so much stronger than I used to be.  I'm not scared of speaking my opinion because it is mine.  It no longer is conditioned by someone else it is no longer just based off of one source.  Having an open mind is so freeing, but also knowing what you believe is too.  So far I have the open mindedness but now I struggle with finding where I stand on the big issues.  

     I am constantly battling something.  I believe that is what makes us human we are made through our fighting.  I am so emotional.  I never thought that I would be so.  I didn't know what depression was like until a few months ago.  Feeling myself get into that rut again I realized I don't want to be there anymore.  Laying in bed, not wanting to move, wanting someone to hold you, wanting nobody around, depression was confusion to me.  The confusion became the only thing in my head.  Questions of my self worth were so prevalent it was scary.  My self worth was as much as the scum of the earth that no one wants between their toes. I didn't even want to see myself in the mirror.  My hair was red, freckles layered every inch of my body, my thighs were just a little too big, don't get me started on my face.  I still got the attention of men, of course, I still have everything they want but to me that was the only reason.  Then, finally, the self discrimination became hating my personality. 

     There is nothing worse than hating who you are.  I felt as though no one liked the woman I am becoming/have become.  There was so much weight of everyone telling me I wasn't the person they loved, ouch.  If I wasn't that person, that made me unlovable.  I don't need others to give me self worth, but acceptance is nice.  

     With three classes on my shoulder and what feels like the worst wait for graduation, I take on the world.  I take it on alone because no one else can be me, it will be the greatest journey I will face.  I don't even know what to say my mind is so jumbled I could be in a dryer just spinning around and around.  Maybe I do know who Hope is, she is the one who cheers on her friends, who gives hope when there isn't one.  She is the one with the worst attitude, but the sweet spirit.  Yeah, I like that description, and not because it is true, but it is because those are my pieces that I have picked up on my own and I stand by them.  

Elephant in the Room

As I sit in my room proud of the fact that I have stood up for myself; however, my heart is as bitter as a green apple.  Heartache is a touchy subject.  Those that know it, know the pain of everything aching.  Your brain, your heart, your body and mostly your soul.  Everything feels it.  Through this process I have realized that I am selfish.  Because for once in my life I wanted the world to stop so that I could control the tornado of my life.  As we all know, the world doesn't stop for heartache.  This is my journey through the worst time of my life.

October I decided I was going to spend the rest of my life with one man.  In April, I announced it on social media, but the next day we happen to no longer be together, talk about awkward.  For all those people confused as ever, yes I was engaged, no I am not anymore, I am single.  We planned our future, what would be told of our story to our children, the places where we would visit, the names of our kids and even the names of our pets (RIP Frankie the rat, if you don't get it, think the Godfather and the mob).  Then, six months later, on a Sunday at 6 am in the morning, all of those dreams vanished.  My life wasn't what I had planned.  As most of my friends know I like to have things set in stone.  I don't need everything planned minute to minute like my eldest sister (you need things organized please contact her), but I need to know the gist and the idea of a plan.  My life was turned upside down.  My heart crumbled into a million pieces, my dad took me into his arms, strong and safe I felt courage return.  That moment of courage I knew that my fiance would no longer be that. 

Days following I called all my friends, each friend made the pain hurt just a little stronger.  Classmates: "I remember you being engaged, you are right?"  Ouch.  The pain showed through my eyes and was felt in my heart.  I skipped a couple classes, stayed in bed longer than a human should.  Cried so hard my eyes felt as if they were a desert.  I hit my knees millions of times asking God why.  Visits from my dad two weeks in a row were probably the only thing that kept me sane.  Phone calls, texts, facetime, I felt the love, but still my heart was shattered.  I remembered a quote that the gist was if you try to put glass back together you end up hurting yourself, that's how I felt about this relationship.  

Everyone knew this relationship was scandalous and was frowned upon by most.  I worked my butt off for this relationship, yet in the end it was my heart that I was fighting for.  Through this process I have realized that heartbreak is selfish.  Whenever my best friend talked about her problems I felt as though she didn't care about my own.  Anytime someone mentioned their significant other I was wondering how they couldn't understand how much my heart hurt.  The bitterness piled up.  I was so selfish, this was my heartbreak, everyone should be catering to me.  This world does anything but that.

Friends told me I should get over him, after all I was the one who broke it off.  But the thing is, feelings just don't let go when the relationship is gone.  In fact, they hold on as tight as they can squeezing every emotion out so far that you don't have any left to function.  Being distracted, being busy, going out on a date, they still don't help.  All I can think is I just want someone to grab my hand and tell me they love me, tell me that it's okay to feel something, it's okay to be numb, it's okay to process this.  I hate waiting, everyone knows how impatient I am for events to happen.  I just want to move on, but yet, I still want to hold on. 

I've listened to break up songs, I've listened to sad songs, I've listened to empowerment.  The only songs that have made it bearable are two songs from the most amazing man in my life, my dad, the first one is by Josh Groban called "You are Loved, (Don't Give Up)," the other was "Touch the sky" by Hillsong.  Beautiful songs, music is a great way to heal.  Still, selfishness showed, I was so angry that the people I most wanted didn't show me the love the way I wanted, bitterness grew.  

Break ups do amazing things, they show who you are at your worst.  I have been shown of the selfish prideful attitude I display.  I am so prideful about my "sweetness" and "caring" nature that I want people to show me those traits as well.  But I wanted them to show them to me in MY way.  No one can do that unless they are a mind reader.  This has shown me the reason that I am not ready for a relationship.  I would rather be shown what I deserve than be appreciative of the way someone else shows love.  I asked for so much and gave very little through my selfishness.  I hate it.  

Yeah, the million pieces of my heart are still everywhere, and no I'm not angry or bitter.  I am just hurt.  Hurt makes people do some stupid things.  I'm so excited to go home and to be surrounded by support as I take on three summer classes.  I'm not defeated by this, no one should be.  This is a great reminder that hey, I have feelings and damn, I feel 'em.  One day I will look back and say "wow that was a good life lesson."  I cannot wait for that moment (I bet my friends and family are ready for it too).  

All I ask is for some understanding, for some time, for some patience.  I have been through many heartbreaks with my friends, I realized I said some wrong things because people have been saying what I say to them, and gosh darn those are not the things a broken heart needs to hear.  Sometimes saying nothing and just giving a hug is the best thing on earth.  I do not try to be selfish, but at the moment I need to pick myself up, all I ask is that my friends and family will stand beside me.  Don't look down at me, I don't need pity, I need love.  

Here I am trying to change and realize my selfishness to turn into hope, faith and happiness.  I don't want to be sad, I want to be glad that the two years I had with an amazing man were great, I want to be brave.  One day, one step, one moment at a time and eventually I'll be over the greatest mountain I have conquered in my life, I'm sure there will be more, but let's not think about that.  

So cheers to the memories, cheers to the love that was had, cheers to the friends and family who keep me sane and cheers to moving on.

Twist of Lies

     I have experienced being so deep in a lie that it made me the person I am today. I am remembered of that lie everyday. Maybe not in a negative but in a positive. I see people forgiving me, they still love me for the person I am today. But then in the negative I see the friendships that were broken. My best friend since childhood lost her best friend. She couldn't even fathom who I had become. I hid it so well that she was jaded, hurt and most importantly, lied to. She felt like she couldn't even trust me. I couldn't even trust myself. I look at her and realize I chose a lie instead of her, I still don't know if our relationship will blossom again, I hope so. I hurt her so badly and I will forever have to deal with that. But I'm dealing with it in honesty now. I no longer hide who I am. But I live with my lie. It hasn't gone away, it hasn't just disappeared now that I have told the truth. I look at others who have forgiven me. Who look at me daily and say "I've moved past it." It makes me want to cry. How could people look at me I couldn't even look at myself.

     Lying is a trap. But when you are trapped you don't even know it. I know there are no excuses. But I see lying as an addiction. One lie leads to another, the other leads to a bigger one and sooner than you think you are living those lies. Every liar gets to a point where they decide to keep lying or to tell the truth. You also don't just hit that point once but many of times. When I was little my lying was exaggeration. If I came home and nothing exciting happened than, I made something exciting happen. I wanted people to look at me and see me as adventurous and fun. But some days adventures are boring, so I would spice it up. Soon bigger and bigger lies happened. I was pretty exciting but I couldn't be alone with myself because I would remember all the lies. I would confess them, but only to the point where it only showed some of the lie. I never really truly showed myself because there was so many.

     Story after story, I wrapped myself in my blanket of lies. It was cozy, it was safe. Until I realized that's not who I wanted anymore. Eventually I shared my past. My boyfriend didn't speak for me for days until finally deciding to move past it with the exception of trust leaving the table. My sisters wouldn't believe ANY of my stories. My friends would question them. It was a challenge. But I made it.

     Still to this day I lie. I catch myself in them all the time. I have a battle in my head, tell the truth? or spice it up? Sometimes I win, sometimes the lies win. I will always have this battle. But everyday I choose who is gonna win. I know a lot of people are in this battle and it doesn't seem that relevant but lies are something that happen with everyday conversations and actions. It hurts everyone involved when the liar is caught. I know it's not really a poem I don't know what it is but I started working on it after I realized that I am a liar and the lies that lies tell me.

Twist of Lies

I am an option 

But I come with a price

I will take the ones you love away

They won't know you

I will consume your thoughts

You will think of me at all times

I will hold you together

I will crush you when you slip

One small move

And I will be your first thought

I will tell you what to say

You will be frightened to share me

Trust you will not receive 

You will only be intimate with me

Your lovers will get over me

But I will never let you go

I will eat you alive

and you will make me grow

Hiding me makes me stronger

Exposing me kills you

Use me once

And I become your only option

The question runs deep and echos throughout my bones: Why college? I never wanted to go to college, my dream was to get married at 18 and never step foot inside a university. But in High School being a Hoomeschooler I had to go to community college for my language. I never knew I would fall in love with ASL or the Deaf community. When I graduated in 2012 I found out that ASL interpreters were now required to have a BA before taking the national certification. In 2011 I was excited to be able to get a degree for only 2 years and then work for the rest of my life. So I embraced it I found a school I liked, CSUN. It became my vision to go to a University. Still to this day I weigh the costs of my decision.

I could have stayed in San Diego and tested for my EIPA certification and worked in schools, being limited to only schools, no community interpreting. But I couldn't see myself working in a school the rest of my life when all I ever do is try to get out of schools. So I found a passion for legal interpreting and Deaf Blind interpreting. Both require me to have a BA. Not only do I have to achieve my BA but I also have to take certification tests after I graduate. Boy oh boy. That was not my dream.

Then, I met a classmate who wanted to go to CSUN also. She encouraged and pushed me to achieve all that we could. If it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't be here today. Sometimes I think about my dream of not wanting to go to school. But then I think about it, I'm going to be graduating college with only 4 "official" years under my belt and I'll be 21.

I wanted to achieve something when I went to college. I didn't just want to be another student. I have made a reputation as a student, I won't just listen but i'll question. I'll be silly, but i'll also be serious. I'll do anything to make class fun.

So maybe I didn't achieve my goal of being successful without colleges/universities. But I'm proud of myself for sticking through something I never wanted to do. With a supportive family, boyfriend and friends I know I'll push through, and if there are bumps in the road, I know I'll push through.

Why college? Because, Why not?

"and that's the honest to God truth, I swear!"

"Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement." C.S. Lewis

I have made a lot of 'finger posts' in my life. In fact, I have made a lot; now, people are starting to talk about them. Some say this, some say that and most of these people saying things haven't even talked to me.

My name is Hope and I believe Jesus died on the cross for my sins and rose again three days later. I believe he created the earth in 6 days. I believe the bible is a true statement from Jesus written by humans. I also believe humans fail, just as I have.

A long, long time ago (start singing the song), I started doubting my belief in what my parents firmly and respectfully raised me in. I was in 6th grade. I believed that their rules and regulations were just to keep me from the world. I had the regular kid mindset: my parents were stopping me from having fun. Soccer practice I wouldn't even act like a Christian, just someone who didn't do those things because it wasn't right. Why you may ask if I had such an amazing God on my side? Because of this: I did not see the loving side of Jesus Christ. I did not see the loving father.

My parents, especially my father, have a very logical/practical way about them. Even though my mom is a great dreamer everything she does has a practical purpose, and my parents thrive off of it. They know how to use it to God's benefit and understand everything. I on the other hand could not learn it the way they did. I didn't understand the love of Jesus. I just understood the FEAR factor. "if you don't follow Jesus you will be punished!!" Okay? So? My parents used to do that too, that didn't stop me from disrespecting them and doing all the things I have done behind their backs. Threatening me wasn't a reason for me to follow. I wanted to be loved in my love language wanted to be chased and experience that love that so many of my worldly friends and christian friends had but I still couldn't find it. I felt trapped in this, I'm not fully a christian but i'm not fully going to not be a christian, world.

In this world, I lied. L-I-E-D, lied a lot. To everyone. Not just my Christian family but to my worldly family too. I separated them so much that I couldn't fit into both worlds. So here I was stuck in a place I couldn't get out of unless I chose. Again, I was threatened. Choose or be gone. But my other world wasn't letting me do that. They didn't care what I did. They knew me as the respectable Christian and they knew me as a lying person, but they accepted me either way. Looking at that isn't it an easy choice??? Go with people who love me, go with people who accept me, follow my heart, yadda yadda. My heart is deceitful who do you think got me in this situation? My heart and myself.

Last summer (2013) I decided I didn't want to follow Jesus anymore. I wanted to know what it was like to make decisions without answering to anyone. It felt good. But then I had to pretend to be someone else, To my Christian family. I didn't know what I wanted. I then started questioning if God was even real. But I knew that was silly. He is real and I believe that. But why do I believe that? I don't know, because I was raised that way. That is not a reason I want to love such a big God. I want the reason to be because I love Him and He loves me and i respect him as the King of Kings. I felt like I had already failed. So I decided to do the one thing I knew was right: tell the truth.

BOY OH BOY. They say telling the truth is hard but feels so good and boy does it! It feels wonderful.

My name is Hope Beane and I have been faking. I would lift up my hands in church I would say exactly what I needed to and do exactly what I needed too. But I didn't feel it. I would look at God and feel so ashamed. How can such a little person be doing this to such a big God who deserves so much more respect. So I went to people i respected and told them EVERYTHING. Told them my struggle told them my pain. Again, I felt threatened not loved. Was it their fault? NO. Not at all. It was the situation and everything involved. They thought they were loving me how I needed to be loved. But I just felt completely alone. I have a great boyfriend backing me up and letting me find things on my own. But family and friends I grew up with talked about me instead of to me. Until two dear Christian ladies on separate occasions took me to dinner, looked me in the eyes and told me they loved me no matter what. Told me they want me to be with God but told me love was right here, even AFTER I told them I was terrible to my family. They knew I was wrong, and told me straight up words cannot be taken back. Told me I didn't have to respond the same way my family did, and told me my family was only responding to the attitude that i was displaying. Words of wisdom and love. No threat, no choices needed to be made, no hate just love. Love is powerful.

Soon, people started messaging me or deleting me off social media, and a few in person. Soon, my heart started to turn bitter. All these people knew a lot of things, I hadn't even talked with them. People who my situation didn't effect knew more than I could ever say. My actions showed a lot yes, but details were said that I didn't even know people knew. Many nights I cried. Many nights I yelled at God. How could people who said they would love me NO matter WHAT, start closing their hearts to me. I will admit and even testify to my TERRIBLE, behavior and words said to my amazing Daddy and family. I am not the victim in this and nor plan to act like one. I hate the words I said. I can NEVER get them back. But I can be sorry for them. I am living with them and probably forever will be.

But here I am, alone, in my room. I looked at my bible with an honest heart today all that went through my mind was the fact that I really didn't know anything in that book. I knew the famous stories but what about the rest? Bible trivia was never fun to play because it showed that I really didn't care. But now I do. I want to know what it has to say and WHY it says it. Cause of love for me? Cause of affection? I want to see the feelings in the bible. Not just the science and the logic.

I've been yelled at, excused, threatened. What else can be done? Throw it at me. Just know, I am finding who God is to me. If you still want to be bitter towards me by all means. But I don't care anymore. I have people who ADORE me. Who love me. Who will respect me even while I find out who this God is. I have an amazing family. They are great. What I have seen in these past few weeks before I left is a whole new family. Ones that love, care and even do bible studies together. That is a great family. I am sad that I'm not apart of that. "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything." I stand for finding God on my own. I'm tired of getting advice and not following it. I'm tired of expectations.

I'm not my family, I am me. There are a lot of questions, but I've heard of a big God who can answer them.

I go to my first class today, new people, new start. I can be whoever I want. With God or not. It's my choice.

As a great man said honesty always wins:

"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."

We are family

A month ago I graduated the Interpreting Training Program, I wanted to reflect on the strangers who became my family. I didn't have time to write out everything but I did find time to make this blog post as the semester was finishing, I just never got around to finishing it up. So here it is. I love you Class of 2014.

Amanda: The stranger. Amanda is the one who came in after interpreting 1. When she first entered I was intimidated and of course wondered who this "new girl" was. I remember one time we had to set up a ethical discussion circle and Amanda jumped right in and told us how to set it up. From then on I knew she had the mom mentality, I could definitely spot a fellow babysitter/nanny. We didn't really hang out much in interpreting 2, but I will never forget Amanda Kayla Sarah and I stayed late in lab. For some odd reason I got an energy boost from pizza, it was intense. Amanda sat through it laughing her butt off. I totally thought I lost every chance of proving to her that I was some what normal. Then in Interpreting 3 Amanda became more than just a friend, she became a classmate, and she joined the family. She is an encouraging person to be around one; look and you feel inspired. She is also an amazing Godly woman, she is chasing Jesus and is doing a great job. Her interpreting skills kick butt. She really proved she belonged in this program and nothing could hold her back. Yeah I may have made fun of her for being so "old" but she truly is a kid at heart. Whenever we are being immature she just sits back and laugh but I know that kid is trying to come out, I feel like we have helped with that. Because I sure know she has helped me and our class a ton. Someone needs something she is right there to fill the need. If someone needs an encouraging word she is right there making sure you know you're loved. If you're almost 6 years old and all your world consisted of at that moment was your lunchable, and it falls on the ground, she is right there with another one in hand. So Amanda, thank you for always having lunchables around, you have encouraged me so much. You may have been a stranger but now I call you family. Congrats on graduation Amanda(WEE WITH AN ASSOCIATES), you deserve it.



Clennie:C-cheek Oh Clennie (KLONKIE), by golly. I'm sorry I couldn't resist. Thinking back to interpreting 1-3 i realized we were not really friends. We were mainly friends because of Kayla. But this semester you have been my lunch buddy and I'm so grateful I was able to get to know you on a different level. I have seen us open up to each other a little bit more every Tuesday Thursday that passes. Your weirdness has finally showed itself to me, and I must say I'm okay with it. It was a little intimidating at first but then changed into "oh Clennie." You tell people how it is and make us laugh with your weirdness, or scare us enough to not want to walk with you in the dark, either way we still love you. On a serious note, you are a bad a** student, holy cow. Yes you may stay up watching murder shows (hence why we are still scared) but you get all your work done and understand most of everything before I even understand 2 + 2. I am really going to miss hanging out with you and procrastinating every tuesday and thursday. You made those hours go by quickly and made them fun. Especially when I wasn't really feeling like being at school. You inspire me to be a better student and for that I will take with me forever. Congrats on graduation Clennie you deserve it.



Emaleigh:Emmy! EM!!!! My fishy co-mom. (that sounds fishy.) I've known you since ASL 4. Which feels like forever ago! I remember I was jealous of your skill to be able to talk to Kevin so well and proficiently. Also, all your dresses were really pretty, so nice and casual yet looked good. I can say with you we have kept the same relationship all 4 semesters. Never getting into a fight just calm and cool. Last semester when we went on an assignment together I was really nervous because I was scared to share feedback together because we haven't really done that through the 2 years we have been in the same class, which was weird to me. But I remember you told me how great I was then said a little bit of constructive feedback and it made me feel so good. I knew you were more comfortable with the setting we were going into than myself so I was scared you would act better than me, and you didn't. I was grateful for that and when I shared my feedback you were so accepting of it. Em, you are gonna make one hell of an interpreter. Remember who you are and be secure in it.



Erin: SPARKLE! Well, this girl, what can I say about her? Everyone knows her as cute and princess like, but when you get to know Erin, she is that, but also so crazy. The first time I saw Erin, I thought "mmm, she's trying to be a fake red head." Then I found out she was obsessed with Disney, this is no normal obsession, this is like me and owl obsession, and I realized this girl has to be cool she has good taste. She started sitting next to this girl who had black hair looked the complete opposite of Erin but somehow they would whisper to each other and laugh really loudly. I knew I wanted to be friends with them but I didn't think 3 completely different people could be friends. There was that black haired pale girl that looked a little rough on the outside, then this sweet little long haired disney lover, then the Jesus Freak. I thought no way, but we ended up being really good friends. After getting to know Erin i realized why we all clicked, yeah we were all different but we each had a little quirk that was a little quirkier then the other. I remember one time we went to Sea World and Erin thought this one employee was super cute! Wanting to be the cool friend and having 20 seconds of intense courage, I ran after him and told him that the she was interested. Of course, something awkward had to happen because well, it was me, and he informed me that he had a girlfriend. Oh, the good ol' days. Well here we are Erin, we gave our graduation forms all together and are still friends to the end of the 2 years. I'm so lucky you are beside me while taking this journey. You make life fun and exciting. You're smile can light up a room, and your tears can make others cry with you, even if you're crying over a little boy who just wants to learn, dang it. I don't know what I would do without you here, now here we go as Maeve's bridesmaids. Can't wait to dance with you like crazy! So Erin, Congrats on graduation, you deserve it.



Jake: J-hair! My Jakey-poo, this gentleman is so crazy, but he is my Jakey. He is nicknamed Inappropriate twin, I'll tell you about his twin in a moment, but that is a very accurate nickname. I first met Jake in ASL 2 (?) I thought he was a pretty cute lab tech. I didn't know he was gay until ASL 4. Now that we are so close that is pretty weird to me because now he is my brother from another mother. When we first entered interpreting 1 and I saw him I was so intimated because I knew he worked at the lab and knew Kevin (Kevin was my whole ASL world) which meant Jake was in the know. His signing was pretty bomb and he knew the interpreting professor. I didn't think he would want to be friends with me and in all honesty I don't even remember how we started talking, but I'm so glad we did. I have great respect for him, I remember we had to go get a gift for our professor and we had a deep discussion about our opinions on certain debatable subjects, but in the end we agreed to disagree or even agreed, either way it was a respectable opinion sharing time. I remember one day I was completely drained. Everything went wrong, my micro, my classes, I felt like my life was over (drama queen hello), I walked into lab no tears, and Jake walked right up to me and gave me the best hug and told me it was going to be okay. I guess my body language said it all: Hug me or watch me fall. He truly was my support in that moment, he took all my pain and sadness, he may not know it but I do. I remember him just repeating a grade doesn't define you, it doesn't show who you are, I've heard that many times before, but Jake had so much empathy for me I could feel it in his words. After that he told me to show them what I've got, and to not let them win. It was almost 2 years ago but it still sticks in my head till this day. Jake, you are one amazing man, you are a great person to be around, even when we have had our little tiffs, I still respect you. I've seen you grow so much from interpreting 1 till now. I'm so thankful you are in our class. Jakey, congrats on graduation, you deserve it!



Maeve: Gravy! My best friend, my soul mate, my "I wonder if they are lesbian" partner! You are the reason I am here today. Your support, encouragement and sarcasm has gotten me through a tough program. You are so amazingly beautiful inside and out. I remember the first time I saw you in your speech class. You were so cool and punk/hipster I thought we would never be friends!! I remember seeing you in lab with a broken arm and bleached hair; I still thought you were too cool to talk to me. Then in terp 1 we went to an event together and well, I never went to another event alone after. We made a pack to do EVERYTHING together, and boy do we, sometimes not even our school work. You make me a better person, and show me how to live life to the fullest. I thought when you got into CSUN and I didn't that our friendship would become awkward, but instead it has become stronger; you didn't throw me away like so many have because you got something better, instead you loved me more. Thank you Maevey for always being so supportive. "I hate being bi-polar, IT'S AWESOME" ;) love you and our weird humor!!!! :) congrats Maevey I love you.



Nate: Late-Nate! I knew of Nate in Deaf culture, we actually had the same class. I didn't really talk with him until interpreting though. But even then he was that tall person who came in late and left right on time. It took us a long time to even figure out if he was married or what. He is, to an amazing woman who actually helped Clennie when she needed her wrist massaged and worked on. Pretty handy. Nate is a really skilled student and interpreter as well. He's super smart and asks so many good questions. Theres not really much to say about him. He never really got close with us but I do know he is great to work with. I can't wait to work with you in the future late Nate! I'll see you around I know you wont be at graduation so have fun with the wife!!! Congrats Nate, you deserve it!



Vanessa: V-cheek! Mommy, what would I do without you. For real. You are the so amazing to me! I met you in Deaf perspectives and I didn't really know who you were and thought you were my age. I thought you were super cool for being able to sign with Kevin so well. I also loved your hair and style. Then we started talking and I realized you were super cool, but you deff had way more life experiences than me ;) so you became an older sister or "mommy" figure to me! "Kartmen" will forever be a good acknowledgement of when you can't remember a name I should let it go. You are so wise and I think you forget that sometimes. Jj has a great mom, protector and role model for a wonderful woman. Never underestimate yourself, look at you, look at what you have become. You are one good looking mama! I cannot wait to spend time with you outside of the program and not being stressed! Also, I am so excited that you will be standing with me when our friend gets married!!!! Vanessa you inspire me to be the best that I can be! Thank you for loving me when I wasn't that lovable, and thanks for never giving up on me!! I love you!! Congrats on graduating, you deserve it!



Geri: wow, when I was in your class I thought I was gonna die, then in interpreting 3 I thought man I would die without the knowledge I have from you. You have equipped me so we'll and made my life so much easier for the rest of my education! You are a wonderful person, and even better teacher putting everyone before yourself. Geri, you inspire me toward hard and stay humble, thank you for all the knowledge you have given me!! You are wonderful! - a grateful student <3 Melissa: Melissa, thanks for being so understanding with us. Whenever I became overwhelmed with something that I thought was extremely important you put things in perspective, that is what a great teacher is made of. You helped us reach our end goal and do it successfully! You were always encouraging and rooting for us. I've never had a teacher wanting us all to pass and achieve what was best for each of us individually. Thanks for being an inspiring teacher and so flexible with all of our needs. <3 Katey: Red Leader, What can I say that I haven't said before? You are one amazing lady. Even though by the end I picked fights with you (I'm a ginger I can't help it), I still respect you in all ways possible. You showed me how to be respectful and still say my feelings/opinions appropriately. You showed a lot of us how to be an amazing interpreter without trying. Your perfectionist attitude made me want to achieve great things just as you have. Your calming attitude also showed me that working hard can be fun. Red leader, you shaped me into the interpreter I am today and I am forever grateful for that! You inspire me everyday with your love for life; don't lose your spark. Red Leader congrats your chick-a-dees have flown the coop! <3 I don't know what I would do with all of them. It is scary moving on and realizing most of them wont be with me anymore. Trying to publish this is hard because I feel like after I hit that button the truth of us not being in class anymore will come true. But one day with all of us having a BA after our names we will be assigned together and I just see us running at each other slow-mo arms extended, smile glowing and finally together again. Yeah, it's Palomar, HA, but outsiders will never know the difficulties of this program or the reason why the struggle has made us so close. Two years together and we have all become family. So sing it with me now as the song gets stuck in my head: WE ARE FAMILY, ALL MY LITTLE TERPS AND ME, WE ARE FAMILY, COME ON EVERYBODY SIGN!!!!

Forever is a Lie

You know that guy (or girl) you told you would love FOREVER? Take a moment and think about him/her or maybe even "them." How many people did you say forever to? If its more than one then forever is a lie.

For me, the boy who said he'd love me forever, found someone new a couple weeks later to say "forever" to. And after that the man I was in love with found someone a couple months.

And I did the same to the boy as he did to me. But to the man I won't do that to. I'm tired of saying I will love you forever and then breaking the man's heart and he finds someone to pick up the pieces I left for her.

I have made a pledge to remain pure. But I think the better pledge is to not say forever too soon.

Forever is a lie. And I'm sad to say I can't get over the boys who said forever to me. They lied to me, as I did to them.

Forever is a lying game that people play. It's stupid. No one should play it, and I for one have quit.

No longer will I say forever and love in the same sentence. Because I would just be lying not only to them but to myself.

I cannot wait for that person when he's finally THE one. But until I've got a ring on it forever will stay only in my heart.

And not only romantic relationships but family is the same way.

How do I know forever is truly true?

"I'm content with loneliness cause none of it is ever worth the risk"

I'm Gay

At my title automatically you know what this blog post will be about. But you are wrong. Stop judging, put your cell phone down and relax because I am NOT gay. But I knew this title would make a lot of people jump, especially my Christian friends, as it should. (I like boys, lets just remember that through this post.) Why does everyone start judging as soon as they see "GAY." What about if you see "DRUNK" you would probably laugh think of a funny story of your mate getting totally wasted and laughing your head off. When I see drunk I see: Harm, Anger, A man dead because of it, a year out of my house. I don't see funny. What about "SIN" Well I hope you think of yourself and not automatically start judging others 'cause well then....you're in sin. Why is "gay" or "homosexual" the word that gets everyone's panties in a bunch? Because it's wrong? Because you don't want your child to see it? But what about grace?

God never said "love everyone but attack those homosexuals" You will never see that written down in his book. Grace now that you will see a lot of. Love that you will see also. Now I'm just a teenager I'm no theologian I'm also not stupid. I'm not saying we have to accept all homosexuals but loving them isn't accepting their sin. I'm not sitting here typing this out just cause I think its a hot topic, I live it too. I have friends that live the way they want, but they also know I do not accept their sin. BUT BUT Listen....I love them. (GASP WHAT!!!) Yeah that's right I love them. Sometimes it's awkward cause I don't like what they do...but me standing around with a sign is not going to change their actions. I don't stand around with a sign for my straight friends who are having sex out of wedlock, (they also know I don't accept their sin) but I'm not going to not be friends with them.

So I come back to what I was saying in the beginning: How is homosexuallity such a big sin that God needs US to help judge? When did we put the grading scale on sin? "oh you told a white lie you're a number 1 sinner, OMG YOU'RE HOMOSEXUAL YOU GO STRAIGHT TO NUMBER 10"

Why can't we all just calm down, share the word of God appropriately. Shoving it down someone's throat will not help. Living by example (DING) now that is going to cause people to stop and look at us Christians. Being real, showing that we sin too and our sin is no more "greater" than that of a different sin. We all sin, we just sin differently.

So, I'm not gay and I will not support gay rights, but I support loving each other. I accept the person, I do not accept the sin. Let's be set apart Christians. (and I mean set apart for good for being a light not for holding a sign

"This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not God's child, nor anyone who does not love their brother or sister."

"He mocks proud mockers but shows favor to the humble and oppressed" Proverbs 3:34

The last option

"I originally asked so-and-so but they couldn't cause they had a boyfriend, didn't wanna steal her Friday nights"

"I asked so-and-so but she had a whole summer to have fun with"
"I went through my line of people and FINALLY found you"

"I was gonna hang out with so-and-so but they were busy and I know you're not so I asked you"

These words are perfectly innocent, not meant to hurt me or make me feel less worthy. But all in all they sting. I'm never someone's first option, I've come to accept it. Their will always be someone ahead of me! Someone more worthy, someone more respected someone better suited. I've come to accept and actually expect it. I'm nobody's first choice.

But I am a great choice. I can make anyone feel better, as anyone else can. I can crack a joke, just as anyone else can. I can play any game, just as anyone else can. Although, no on can be me.

Just Hope. I always thought that was a bad thing JUST. But really it's not. I am Hope. No one can be me!

I think that's why guys are so appealing to me when they make me their first choice. I can't imagine anyone asking to do something with just me. I can't imagine me being their first choice...but my doubts wonder if I'm their only choice. I think we call this low self-esteem.

Hello my name is Hope an I have low self-esteem.

So next time when you're with someone don't explain why you are with them. Sometimes less is more. Just be happy you're with them, no one needs to know everything.

And for those who feel like me. Ehhhhh first isn't always best. Keep you're head up and be proud.

I am Hope

As I sit down with my cinnamon roll after a long day of work and school, I think of how weird it is to be a young adult. I can drive, I have a way to make money, I have amazing friends and an amazing God. As a kid my thoughts of where I would be at 18 were VERY different. I thought I would be at some University studying about to marry a husband get a job and then start a family. At some points I never thought I would graduate High School. Other points I thought the only solution for me was to find a rich husband. I'm sure I gave every single grey hair to my parents. I'm not a smart cookie, but I am exotic. You know the kind I'm talking about, hard and crunchy on the outside mushy on the inside, an acquired taste, yet a little annoying 'cause they are always watching, just tempting you to eat them. That's me, in a cookie.

I'm scared to be alone, yet i have a ton of friends. I'm terrified of not making a difference yet I impact children everyday. I'm fearful that I will let my family down. Those maybe my insecurities but they make me who I am. They make me want to achieve my goals and my dreams. I don't want to be that girl who leaves a room and gossip is spread about her, I want to be honorable respectable and, mostly, loveable. I want someone to be happy to love me, either friend, family or lover. I want to be the person someone can say "Yeah, She is a great gal." For most of my life I have lived up to that. I know so many people know my mistakes. My little ones, my big ones and those daily ones. But this week I have realized something, I don't want to slow down. I don't want to miss a thing, as Aerosmith sings, or as Kenny Chesney says "Don't Blink". I'm going to spend my time looking up not back or to the future, but to God. HE is my life. He saved me from death yet I have the audacity to be in depression daily, but not anymore. I'm going to be loving God, because if I do that i'll be loving life. I'm not ashamed of who I am.

I'm the girl that will dance and make a fool of herself because she loves the song. A girl who flirts, extremely badly, with boys cause she never had the chance to just be friends and chill with a guy. I'm one to be bold when I have to be but truly I am fearful of everything. I'm the girl who's heart races when she enters a high school. The girl who gets nervous over silly things. The girl who puts one foot in the world and her whole life in Jesus. The girl who will always stand up for what she believes...if I know the people around me agree. (*sigh* need to work on that one.) I'm a ginger who has a terrible attitude and will use it for her benefit. I'm the girl who makes boys shiver at what her expectations are of a husband. I'm the girl who can dream better than a sleeping unicorn. I'm the girl who will text friends and family randomly just to say I love them. I'm the girl who will have a attitude with someone until they work it out. I'm the one who needs to express her feelings and sometimes just needs someone to listen. I'm the girl who needs daily reminders to be with Jesus. I'm that girl who gives so much love she can make any attention wanting teenager into not wanting attention anymore. I'm one of those girls who try to make boys notice them. I'm that girl who gets jealous easily. I'm one of those ones who can't stand feet. But mostly I'm Hope, a girl who has little behind her and a lot of adventures ahead.

I think I have come to terms with who I am. Instead of running away from who God made me to be, I am going to embrace it. I'm going to show who God made, not to be prideful in myself but in his handy work.

God is great, All the time. All the time, God is great.

<3

Throwback Thursday

In honor of #throwbackthursday, or now flashback friday, I decided to talk about memories. Memories are always tough, because they can never be taken back. Some particular memories came up today.

The memory of my "scandalous" romance. I was reminded of it because I am taking summer night classes and I met my ex boyfriend at the school I am taking classes at. I remember the spot we first held hands, I smoothly grabbed his hand "looking at his tattoo" softly tracing his zodiac sign, Sagittarius, on his wrist. I remember the tables we would sit at, the one where the group would wait for class, the one with the bush hiding it giving us privacy and our favorite the one with the stairs. These memories came floating in on the most inappropriate time, quiz time. As I see the slide "oops" come up on the powerpoint I realize I have to come out of memory land and ace this two question quiz. I do and I'm pretty sure I ace it. But the memories don't go away. In fact the leave my ex and go straight to another, the one I call my first.

This one comes with a lot of memories. So many it is a wave of emotions as the flood my drama queen brain. I remember the late summer night texting, the innocence in our flirting and the adrenaline of our secret. We were just kids, yet we had old souls. We had love and that was all that mattered to me. Sure, I got upset a lot, texting back too slow, not answering my questions but mostly I just wanted to be shown the love I knew he felt for me. Eventually we talked it out, we have had closure and I'm so happy for the way his life is taking him. He has a great girl, great school and great job. He's a triple threat. I can say I'm genuinely happy for what we had and what the future holds for each other individually. God has shown me a lot through our relationship. It is funny though how when closure happened I mentioned we never had a friendship, because I remembered all the bad times. If only I took a moment and realized how many good times we have had and how close we truly became. When he stopped being in my life, it did truly feel like something was missing. I would see a joke and I couldn't share it. I think that is what love is about, sharing in life, we shared a good amount of our life together, but it didn't work out. We will always have the memories and I'm glad for that. As soon as I finished thinking this, with a smile on my face, I remembered another "flashback."

My best friend, my gorgeous, diva, "I can't drive on dirt i just washed my car", friend. My best friend was the person I spent most of my days with, but unlike my first relationship, this relationship did not in well. In fact, it hasn't ended, just changed, catastrophically. We grew up together and a couple years ago became extremely close, but unfortunate events happened leaving us both hurt and ashamed of the way we acted.

Not just one individual is to blame. No, this big of mess takes a lot more person than one person. It takes a village, and a village it took. I'm getting off track, so the memories that came flooding my mind were the ones of pain, hate and bitterness. The times I became so selfish I'm surprised I still have friends. The times I felt so sad I cried every night for 2 solid months. The times I had so much hatred I took it out on everyone around me. As these memories came flooding back, I stopped them. I turned my memories not from the hated days but from the days of love and friendship, sisterhood. The times she would call me and we would go shopping. The times of laughter, exhaustion from rehearsals and pure love from each other. We accepted each other for who we were, drama queen and diva. How those two personalities got along it beats me. I can't remember one fight we got into while we were having so much fun. Maybe annoyance of each other but never a fight like we had at the end. We enjoyed each others company. Doing errands with her was my favorite thing!! It made me so happy! Folding her laundry wasn't a chore but a welcomed activity. We would spend our times listening to music, usually doing her chores and just having fun. For me I didn't care what we did, as long as she was with me and she felt the same, she knew I loved her because I did acts of service for her. She became my third sister. I no longer called her my friend for that was not enough worth, best friend well that didn't suit at all 'cause that was just someone you did stupid things with but sister, the ultimate worth in my eyes.

I remember the trips to the mall, the time we pretended to be pregnant at walmart and my favorite: rapping Eminem in the car and getting all the lyrics right, YES! I giggle as I write this, the memories are so full of bittersweet emotions. I love her so much, and no one can stop me. Yes, i have felt the greatest pain from her, but ultimately that is the greatest complement, the great pain only happens from the greatest of relationships. I'm so proud to call her my friend, I don't ever know if our relationship can ever be rekindled to what it was, but maybe just maybe she'll miss me, us. I know I act so strong sometimes when people ask me questions about her I give an answer with no emotion. Because if they saw the real raw emotion it might scare them, it scares me. It scares me that I could lose a friend from stupidity and immaturity. I think that is why I try to grow up so fast. Because I never want to be that immature ever again. That selfish and plain ol', mean. I forgave her for her fault, and I can only hope she can forgive me. I know forgiveness is a daily struggle. It isn't a "oh i forgive you" let's hug and make up kind of thing. It is pure emotions that are dealt with everyday and given over to God. I love her and I am so happy for the memories we have together, and NO ONE can take those away from me.

These "throwback" days always hit me hard, they always remind me of the "what if"'s in life and all my memories. These are the three big ones that hit me today. I'm sure three new ones will come tomorrow, but for now I'm happy for these and I bask in them. I'm thankful for what I have because without it I wouldn't be who I am today.

I am Hope and I am a proud drama queen who looks at the past, not only on Thursday's, but daily, like a character from a dramatic nostalgic movie, thinking only of the good ol' days.

And with that I say goodnight to Throwback Thursday and hello to Flashback Friday.