Throwback Thursday

In honor of #throwbackthursday, or now flashback friday, I decided to talk about memories. Memories are always tough, because they can never be taken back. Some particular memories came up today.

The memory of my "scandalous" romance. I was reminded of it because I am taking summer night classes and I met my ex boyfriend at the school I am taking classes at. I remember the spot we first held hands, I smoothly grabbed his hand "looking at his tattoo" softly tracing his zodiac sign, Sagittarius, on his wrist. I remember the tables we would sit at, the one where the group would wait for class, the one with the bush hiding it giving us privacy and our favorite the one with the stairs. These memories came floating in on the most inappropriate time, quiz time. As I see the slide "oops" come up on the powerpoint I realize I have to come out of memory land and ace this two question quiz. I do and I'm pretty sure I ace it. But the memories don't go away. In fact the leave my ex and go straight to another, the one I call my first.

This one comes with a lot of memories. So many it is a wave of emotions as the flood my drama queen brain. I remember the late summer night texting, the innocence in our flirting and the adrenaline of our secret. We were just kids, yet we had old souls. We had love and that was all that mattered to me. Sure, I got upset a lot, texting back too slow, not answering my questions but mostly I just wanted to be shown the love I knew he felt for me. Eventually we talked it out, we have had closure and I'm so happy for the way his life is taking him. He has a great girl, great school and great job. He's a triple threat. I can say I'm genuinely happy for what we had and what the future holds for each other individually. God has shown me a lot through our relationship. It is funny though how when closure happened I mentioned we never had a friendship, because I remembered all the bad times. If only I took a moment and realized how many good times we have had and how close we truly became. When he stopped being in my life, it did truly feel like something was missing. I would see a joke and I couldn't share it. I think that is what love is about, sharing in life, we shared a good amount of our life together, but it didn't work out. We will always have the memories and I'm glad for that. As soon as I finished thinking this, with a smile on my face, I remembered another "flashback."

My best friend, my gorgeous, diva, "I can't drive on dirt i just washed my car", friend. My best friend was the person I spent most of my days with, but unlike my first relationship, this relationship did not in well. In fact, it hasn't ended, just changed, catastrophically. We grew up together and a couple years ago became extremely close, but unfortunate events happened leaving us both hurt and ashamed of the way we acted.

Not just one individual is to blame. No, this big of mess takes a lot more person than one person. It takes a village, and a village it took. I'm getting off track, so the memories that came flooding my mind were the ones of pain, hate and bitterness. The times I became so selfish I'm surprised I still have friends. The times I felt so sad I cried every night for 2 solid months. The times I had so much hatred I took it out on everyone around me. As these memories came flooding back, I stopped them. I turned my memories not from the hated days but from the days of love and friendship, sisterhood. The times she would call me and we would go shopping. The times of laughter, exhaustion from rehearsals and pure love from each other. We accepted each other for who we were, drama queen and diva. How those two personalities got along it beats me. I can't remember one fight we got into while we were having so much fun. Maybe annoyance of each other but never a fight like we had at the end. We enjoyed each others company. Doing errands with her was my favorite thing!! It made me so happy! Folding her laundry wasn't a chore but a welcomed activity. We would spend our times listening to music, usually doing her chores and just having fun. For me I didn't care what we did, as long as she was with me and she felt the same, she knew I loved her because I did acts of service for her. She became my third sister. I no longer called her my friend for that was not enough worth, best friend well that didn't suit at all 'cause that was just someone you did stupid things with but sister, the ultimate worth in my eyes.

I remember the trips to the mall, the time we pretended to be pregnant at walmart and my favorite: rapping Eminem in the car and getting all the lyrics right, YES! I giggle as I write this, the memories are so full of bittersweet emotions. I love her so much, and no one can stop me. Yes, i have felt the greatest pain from her, but ultimately that is the greatest complement, the great pain only happens from the greatest of relationships. I'm so proud to call her my friend, I don't ever know if our relationship can ever be rekindled to what it was, but maybe just maybe she'll miss me, us. I know I act so strong sometimes when people ask me questions about her I give an answer with no emotion. Because if they saw the real raw emotion it might scare them, it scares me. It scares me that I could lose a friend from stupidity and immaturity. I think that is why I try to grow up so fast. Because I never want to be that immature ever again. That selfish and plain ol', mean. I forgave her for her fault, and I can only hope she can forgive me. I know forgiveness is a daily struggle. It isn't a "oh i forgive you" let's hug and make up kind of thing. It is pure emotions that are dealt with everyday and given over to God. I love her and I am so happy for the memories we have together, and NO ONE can take those away from me.

These "throwback" days always hit me hard, they always remind me of the "what if"'s in life and all my memories. These are the three big ones that hit me today. I'm sure three new ones will come tomorrow, but for now I'm happy for these and I bask in them. I'm thankful for what I have because without it I wouldn't be who I am today.

I am Hope and I am a proud drama queen who looks at the past, not only on Thursday's, but daily, like a character from a dramatic nostalgic movie, thinking only of the good ol' days.

And with that I say goodnight to Throwback Thursday and hello to Flashback Friday.