Throwback Thursday

In honor of #throwbackthursday, or now flashback friday, I decided to talk about memories. Memories are always tough, because they can never be taken back. Some particular memories came up today.

The memory of my "scandalous" romance. I was reminded of it because I am taking summer night classes and I met my ex boyfriend at the school I am taking classes at. I remember the spot we first held hands, I smoothly grabbed his hand "looking at his tattoo" softly tracing his zodiac sign, Sagittarius, on his wrist. I remember the tables we would sit at, the one where the group would wait for class, the one with the bush hiding it giving us privacy and our favorite the one with the stairs. These memories came floating in on the most inappropriate time, quiz time. As I see the slide "oops" come up on the powerpoint I realize I have to come out of memory land and ace this two question quiz. I do and I'm pretty sure I ace it. But the memories don't go away. In fact the leave my ex and go straight to another, the one I call my first.

This one comes with a lot of memories. So many it is a wave of emotions as the flood my drama queen brain. I remember the late summer night texting, the innocence in our flirting and the adrenaline of our secret. We were just kids, yet we had old souls. We had love and that was all that mattered to me. Sure, I got upset a lot, texting back too slow, not answering my questions but mostly I just wanted to be shown the love I knew he felt for me. Eventually we talked it out, we have had closure and I'm so happy for the way his life is taking him. He has a great girl, great school and great job. He's a triple threat. I can say I'm genuinely happy for what we had and what the future holds for each other individually. God has shown me a lot through our relationship. It is funny though how when closure happened I mentioned we never had a friendship, because I remembered all the bad times. If only I took a moment and realized how many good times we have had and how close we truly became. When he stopped being in my life, it did truly feel like something was missing. I would see a joke and I couldn't share it. I think that is what love is about, sharing in life, we shared a good amount of our life together, but it didn't work out. We will always have the memories and I'm glad for that. As soon as I finished thinking this, with a smile on my face, I remembered another "flashback."

My best friend, my gorgeous, diva, "I can't drive on dirt i just washed my car", friend. My best friend was the person I spent most of my days with, but unlike my first relationship, this relationship did not in well. In fact, it hasn't ended, just changed, catastrophically. We grew up together and a couple years ago became extremely close, but unfortunate events happened leaving us both hurt and ashamed of the way we acted.

Not just one individual is to blame. No, this big of mess takes a lot more person than one person. It takes a village, and a village it took. I'm getting off track, so the memories that came flooding my mind were the ones of pain, hate and bitterness. The times I became so selfish I'm surprised I still have friends. The times I felt so sad I cried every night for 2 solid months. The times I had so much hatred I took it out on everyone around me. As these memories came flooding back, I stopped them. I turned my memories not from the hated days but from the days of love and friendship, sisterhood. The times she would call me and we would go shopping. The times of laughter, exhaustion from rehearsals and pure love from each other. We accepted each other for who we were, drama queen and diva. How those two personalities got along it beats me. I can't remember one fight we got into while we were having so much fun. Maybe annoyance of each other but never a fight like we had at the end. We enjoyed each others company. Doing errands with her was my favorite thing!! It made me so happy! Folding her laundry wasn't a chore but a welcomed activity. We would spend our times listening to music, usually doing her chores and just having fun. For me I didn't care what we did, as long as she was with me and she felt the same, she knew I loved her because I did acts of service for her. She became my third sister. I no longer called her my friend for that was not enough worth, best friend well that didn't suit at all 'cause that was just someone you did stupid things with but sister, the ultimate worth in my eyes.

I remember the trips to the mall, the time we pretended to be pregnant at walmart and my favorite: rapping Eminem in the car and getting all the lyrics right, YES! I giggle as I write this, the memories are so full of bittersweet emotions. I love her so much, and no one can stop me. Yes, i have felt the greatest pain from her, but ultimately that is the greatest complement, the great pain only happens from the greatest of relationships. I'm so proud to call her my friend, I don't ever know if our relationship can ever be rekindled to what it was, but maybe just maybe she'll miss me, us. I know I act so strong sometimes when people ask me questions about her I give an answer with no emotion. Because if they saw the real raw emotion it might scare them, it scares me. It scares me that I could lose a friend from stupidity and immaturity. I think that is why I try to grow up so fast. Because I never want to be that immature ever again. That selfish and plain ol', mean. I forgave her for her fault, and I can only hope she can forgive me. I know forgiveness is a daily struggle. It isn't a "oh i forgive you" let's hug and make up kind of thing. It is pure emotions that are dealt with everyday and given over to God. I love her and I am so happy for the memories we have together, and NO ONE can take those away from me.

These "throwback" days always hit me hard, they always remind me of the "what if"'s in life and all my memories. These are the three big ones that hit me today. I'm sure three new ones will come tomorrow, but for now I'm happy for these and I bask in them. I'm thankful for what I have because without it I wouldn't be who I am today.

I am Hope and I am a proud drama queen who looks at the past, not only on Thursday's, but daily, like a character from a dramatic nostalgic movie, thinking only of the good ol' days.

And with that I say goodnight to Throwback Thursday and hello to Flashback Friday.

Parents

Tomorrow my sister and I will be driving my parents to the airport. With the past holiday being Daddy's day I thought I would talk about my daddy, but talking about my daddy always needs to be followed by talking about my mommy! So first my daddy!

As I watched my daddy handle these past few months and everything that has been going on in our lives I have seen an amazing man. They say a daughter either marries her father or the complete opposite of her father. This past week I have seen my friend marry someone very similar to her dad. I don't know what God has in store for me with a man, but I hope he has all the great qualities of my daddy. My daddy is a kind man, he is sensitive to other people's feelings and knows how to make people laugh. I myself was lucky enough to have that quality, thanks to him! He treats women the way God intended them to be treated. He loves his wife and loves her with all he does. Yes, my daddy can get upset. There are times when you stay back from him or give him space. But really who doesn't have those moments? My daddy isn't perfect. But he's perfect for me, my mommy and my 2 older sisters. As I said before my daddy has handled this last few months like a champ! First there has been some drama in our family! With 3 colleges aged girls it's hard to avoid. When my mom was out of the loop we over heard him filling her in. Oh my goodness it was so sweet and so amazing how he kept up with all our drama! Next came his best friend's daughter's wedding! He was a champ! He even played a kissing game where he had to kiss my mama and then the bride and groom had to copy whatever they did! Oh boy, I will always remember that smooch! The love that my parents have is something I CAN wait to find, because I want it to be perfect and from God. Now here we are a lovely Tuesday night and I hear him snoring! He is so excited to travel with my mom to my cousin's wedding! I cannot wait to have them go and have a trip together, just the two of them!

Speaking of two of them, my mama! My mama is what city folks call the pioneer woman. I've talked about her before in a previous post. She is so incredibly silly! She loves to mess around with us. At one point she brought a garden hose turned ON into our house. She is one to not put immense value on worldly treasures. Yes, my mama values what she has but if something is going to be a little damaged in a game or by having fun she doesn't fret over it. I think that is the greatest thing she has ever taught me! My mama loves her husband. She has taught me what a wife does. Even though she doesn't explain every step of a wife, we see it in action. The respect she shows to him is great. (Again, my mama isn't perfect but she is perfect for us) I love the way she holds new born babies, or the way she dances at a wedding, or even the way she cranks up old music pushing the gas pedal down and rolls down the windows singing at the top of her lungs while driving. All those little things make my mommy the way she is.

My parents love for each other is strong, but the love I feel from them is even stronger. They make me so proud to call them my parents.


I love you Daddy & Mommy! Have a fun time at the wedding.

Love,

Your redheaded daughter

Would you change if you could?

Growing up I have heard the same question over and over again: "You all share a bathroom?" Now I'm not talking about just two people nor three, actually five of us share a bathroom...and a closet. We share because we care. (a good moral story) But when our house was being remodeled I heard an even better question: "are you going to expand?" Now our house is 900 square foot. If you want to size that it is about the size of an apartment. But this small house houses a dad a mom three daughters and five dogs. I'm not saying it doesn't come with its challenges but i don't think anybody realizes the pros to this house.

This house has been in my family for YEARS. (About 50 of them I would say) My dad grew up in this house and my parents made their home in this house. I nor my sisters have ever moved. We have lived our whole lives in this house. (myself 18 years and my sisters 21 and 22 years) We have learned a lot of things. Firstly we have learned to work out fights. In this little house it is hard to escape from each other. When you were angry it was best to talk it out and finish the fight as soon as possible. If not it was a little awkward being angry two feet away from each other. We now know how to work out a fight. Secondly, we have learned to share. Not only do we share food, clothes or other objects we also share personal space. Sitting on each other is common. With a small house requires small furniture, sometimes your older sister is your seat. That closeness of sisterhood can never be taken away from us. Thirdly we learned to be patient. Patience is required waiting in line for the one bathroom we share. Fourthly, we know what each other are doing. This is a great accountability tool. Knowing what everyone is doing makes you less likely to be doing something not of house rules. Fifthly, it taught us to love. All these things wouldn't be possible if we didn't learn to love each other. It takes love to share, to wait and to work things out.

So to you this may just look like a small house, but to us it is a big heart. We bump the blood through it we are the veins that keep the house moving. If i had a penny for every friend that told me my house was warm and cozy I would be rich. They may have just been telling me that cause they were so annoyed at how small it was, but for me that was the greatest complement. My house is so full of love you leave refreshed and that folks is the greatest kind of home.

Maybe the next time you see a small house don't think about the size but the adventures that happen inside. Everyone has a bad day and in this house one person has a bad day we all do. We have support and love for each other. Sure, we aren't perfect, but this house makes us a home. No we didn't expand our house, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

So that times of refreshing may come

Today in church was an amazing sermon that touched not only my heart, but my brain. I realized I don't want to be that person who is prideful and not humble. Even though I thought all this time that I was humble. The biggest sign of pride is thinking you are the "hublest" around. I want to say more "sorry"'s but mean it for real. I want to be the first one to fix a broken relationship. I want to have a gentle spirit. (1 Peter 3:4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.) I no longer want to be a rebel for the wrong things or bad things, but the things pleasing to God. I'm tired of the world.

Don't you other rebels just get tired? I'm tired of the expectation of me to be a rebel. In fact, that previous statement just stated that I am no longer a rebel. A rebel does things unexpected "resisting tradition". Well I'm going to resist my tradition. Tradition of being quick to anger. Tradition of being the problem child. Tradition of not reading my bible everyday. Traditions need to be broken. As a rebel it is my duty to resist tradition. This morning I realized i want to do this pleasing to God. "With a rending of the heart With the bowing of a knee Oh we are returning With a prayer and with a fast With a song in minor key Lord we are repenting"

I am broken. I have come to the end. Rebels you understand the need to go against the grain. But I don't want that attention I want the attention of hope, no not my name but what it means. The hope in a future. That is what I want.

Today in church they played an amazing worship song I just want to take you through these lyrics and how God has touched my heart, maybe you can relate.

"When my heart runs dry and there's no song to sing No holy melody, no words of love within I recall the height from which this fragile heart has slipped" I remember the peak at which God had me. The way he was pointing me. I remember dreams of bible college and the dream of a missionary. Then plans changed. My heart ran dry. The living water no longer lived. I had no holy melody to sing, fruits of the spirit did not sing from my heart. Words of love were not in sight. Bitterness, anger and down right evil, all flowed from my mouth. The gift of conversation is probably the greatest gift Jesus has given me, but I also know how to put someone down. Down lower than dirt. Unfortunately my family and friends were the brunt of that anger.

"And I'll remember You, I will turn back and do The things I used to do for the love of You Lord, I'll remember You, I will turn back and do The things I used to do for the love of You" This hit me hard. "remembering you" I always know God, why would I have to remember him? Because when you are depressed you forget. You only see one side. It is a very selfish side. You don't "remember" the times Jesus was there holding you, when he was saving you. Even on the cross when he died for me, for you. I realized I want to do things for Christ, not for me, not for anyone else. I want that relationship with God. I have been wanting that "someone" but really I've had him all along. I just didn't remember. He was there he knows me BEST. He will NEVER disappoint me like so many others will. That is not their fault. Thinking it is there fault for YOUR feelings of being (as we now say) butt heart is not their fault. That is how you take a situation and "feel". I have realized this. the best realization of my life. Expectations are so dangerous. Putting someone too high will only disappoint yourself, putting them too low will only depress them. Grace and a gentle spirit from God will be the greatest equation for a relationship. I do not posses either of them. But with God I will. I cannot wait for that.

"You are my soul's desire, You are the hope within You bring my heart to life, You make my spirit sing I recall the height from which this fragile heart has slipped" My soul's desire. Oh goodness how true is this. My soul LONGS for Jesus. Amen?? Longing for Jesus is amazing but whats better is being with him. Those moments where peace and love over take me. I wanna see through God's eyes. I want that hope, I want to be full of it so when people say my name it rings true. I want my heart to sing, singing his praises through the storm, through the love and through the pain.

One song, one night or one promise will not change my whole attitude. It is going to take time. It was not a quick fade. It is called a slow fade for a reason. God will work on me but my old habits will take a while. Quick to anger, will soon be slow to anger. Words of wrath, will soon turn to words of encouragement. Not by a snap of my fingers, but by daily choices made with Jesus and through Jesus.

This season in my life is ready to be turned for good. Apologies will need to be made, I will need to hold my tongue and let the correction of authority take place. These things will happen, not because it is easy but because I want it FOR Jesus. I'm ready for Love, the Love of my Jesus.

All you rebels, do what is unexpected. We all have to face the pain of correction, which all rebels hate. We have to go through the pain of coming from rebellion. But God doesn't need to think about giving us grace, he already has. Don't be selfish, the only person you hurt when you turn from your family and friends is yourself. Life is so much better lived in company of loved ones. Tension sucks, let it go and let God "....so that times of refreshing may come from the Lord" Acts 3:19. Don't you wanna be refreshed dear rebel? I know this ginger does.

So Lord, tonight I go to sleep with joy in my heart and ready to face the day, because you are there. No longer running FROM you but TO you. Lord grant me the strength and humility to apologize and be humble. You are the one I chase. No more do I rebel against but for. I love you, Amen.

Being a rebel is easy, being a disciple is hard. As a rebel, challenges are excepted. Take the challenge of following Christ, not because you look good but because you LOVE your personal savior.


"Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord" Acts 3:19

"Honor your Father and you Mother, that your days be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you." Exodus 20:12

Let go, let God.

As you have guessed I am a teen. The website URL gives you the biggest clue. I have been going through a lot of different things this past, I'd say year! The slow fade is a very true statement; so is backsliding. I've been sliding down a fast and steady mountain. No longer was I in a relationship with God, my parents lived away from me an my sisters were busy with school. But what I would like to focus on is a relationship between a daughter and mother.

Everyone knows how a mom is supposed to act, caring, proud of their kids. Unfortunately, teens disappoint their moms. I am no exception.

Like most teens it was with a boy, not only a boy but a man. A mother's worst nightmare. Now as a babysitter I see a lot of moms and I am around moms A LOT! I understand moms do I understand it fully? No! But I understand the concept.

I think before we get any further we have to understand my mom. She is 5'6 looks 30 when she's almost 60 and has brown hair with glasses. Her close friends call her the pioneer woman. She is a "get 'er done" woman. If someone can't do it she will step up. She is self sufficient but able to make anyone feel wanted and needed. She is calm when teaching and loving when needed. She can sew, cook, manage money, raise and homeschool 3 girls and animals, she can sing, she can fix owies, she loves and honors her husband and faithfully serves God. She is a superhero. My hero.

But even heroes make mistakes. And her biggest mistake is probably her biggest feature. Her heart. She wants everyone to succeed and not make mistakes. But if they do her heart breaks for them and she loses respect she has held them to for so long. She has made enough mistakes without God she doesn't want anyone to make the same mistakes. Understandable, but not realistic. I and my mom are the same we learn from failure. If someone else tells us we are wrong or are doing wrong we won't listen we wait till we fail ourselves. Call it pride call it stubbornness. That's what we are! God made us like that for a reason. That reason is still unknown to me.

I don't like making mistakes. It crushes me when someone else is affected by an outcome from my errors. That is probably why it kills me that I have lost my mothers trust and respect. I haven't met a person who has gained my moms respect back after an error. That is the scariest and most disheartening of this whole thing. All I see when I look at my mom is failure, disappointment and the want to just give up. I am questioned at every decision. That wouldn't be a problem if I didn't hear that question as "you have failed again you are not worthy of my love or our Saviors you will never learn." Im a very sensitive person I will fully and completely admit that. (Also the way The Lord made me and I will never, ever understand why)

My relationship with my mom has always been good. When my sisters would play together and not allow me to play, my mom would play with me. We would have adventures doing boring chores but she made them fun. We would go outside and work on the yard. We did dishes together. Those moments I cherished.

In Jr. high my mom became a cashier at Wal Mart because my dad was laid off. I began to teach myself and spend a lot of time with my friends. My mom started to love her work and begin talking about that everyday. I soon began to raise myself. I didn't see her reading her bible everyday, although she may have when I was not around. I began to become self sufficient. I graded my own tests, I did dishes by myself. These are the moments I began having an attitude with my mom. That was 5/6 years ago.

When our house was hit by a drunk driver Super Bowl 2012 I became even more empty. Fights would happen between my grandparents and family. No one knew our "normal" routine because we didn't have one. That is the moment I had an attitude with my God. And altogether stopped our relationship. God chased me and I ran far away. Right into the arms of a man.

After I finally realized the world sucked and came back that's when my attitude with my mom started again. Disappointment flooded her heart while embarrassment and shame flooded mine. Soon bitterness set in. That is what I deal with on a daily basis. And that moms is something you need to recognize.
Bitterness starts at the root of all evil. It not only sucks for the recipient but the one giving it. Your heart becomes hard. You don't wanna get out of bed. All to punish one person. It is a hard thing to deal with. But the greatest thing for bitterness is kindness, support and the love of a mom. I know disappointment sucks. But think about the one you put that onto. Daily they remember the words you shot at them. "You didn't feel dirty?" "YOU DID WHAT?" "More than once???" And everyday they push them out of their head.

It will be a daily battle for the rest of my life. But today I decided to let the bitterness go. I can't change anything and neither can a mom. Just Jesus and that's what a child needs. Don't push Jesus away from them. Because it is SO easy to go back to the world. It just takes one step. It's not a threat but a warning. I've had my taste in this world and I don't like it but be careful one day you can't be there to protect them. Remember you have taught them well. They will use that knowledge for the test of their life.

Step back let God. That is what moms need to do for teens.

I love you mom. Just give me time.

Broken

" Want to know a secret? She's dying. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second. A little by little. She has an unbreakable smile, but a broken heart. She acts strong, but she cries herself to sleep at night. She's losing the battle within, but no one notices it. And this secret, is killing her on the inside. But she pretends that everything is alright on the outside. She's dying on the inside...She's losing the fight...She's fighting to stay on the right side...She's trying to be alright... But it's all crumbling and she just wants to give in and let go and take one last breath. "

Learning Differently ?

A lot of people say different things for disabilities. One of my favorites is "Learning Differently". Because that is me. I may not pass Math this semester. I wish I could say it was the professor who sucked, or there wasn't enough resources. But it was all me. I never focused cause I was texting my then boyfriend and making plans for after class. I never truly learned. Also I didn't want to ask my Dad for help because I knew he hated my then boyfriend and he seemed always awkward with me. I didn't blame him, I was trying to make him angry. So here I am with a D in Math 50. Not even college math. I never thought I would be in this postiion. It's not my Ex's fault it's not mine dad's but it's mine. I accept it but don't want to face it. In an hour I go and get my exam number 4 back and see if i actually passed. If I didn't it looks like I will be taking the class over again in the summer. Sometimes I wonder if I really have a disability but the only disability I have is not putting enough effort in.

I better go get ready to go. Time to face the music.