As you have guessed I am a teen. The website URL gives you the biggest clue. I have been going through a lot of different things this past, I'd say year! The slow fade is a very true statement; so is backsliding. I've been sliding down a fast and steady mountain. No longer was I in a relationship with God, my parents lived away from me an my sisters were busy with school. But what I would like to focus on is a relationship between a daughter and mother.
Everyone knows how a mom is supposed to act, caring, proud of their kids. Unfortunately, teens disappoint their moms. I am no exception.
Like most teens it was with a boy, not only a boy but a man. A mother's worst nightmare. Now as a babysitter I see a lot of moms and I am around moms A LOT! I understand moms do I understand it fully? No! But I understand the concept.
I think before we get any further we have to understand my mom. She is 5'6 looks 30 when she's almost 60 and has brown hair with glasses. Her close friends call her the pioneer woman. She is a "get 'er done" woman. If someone can't do it she will step up. She is self sufficient but able to make anyone feel wanted and needed. She is calm when teaching and loving when needed. She can sew, cook, manage money, raise and homeschool 3 girls and animals, she can sing, she can fix owies, she loves and honors her husband and faithfully serves God. She is a superhero. My hero.
But even heroes make mistakes. And her biggest mistake is probably her biggest feature. Her heart. She wants everyone to succeed and not make mistakes. But if they do her heart breaks for them and she loses respect she has held them to for so long. She has made enough mistakes without God she doesn't want anyone to make the same mistakes. Understandable, but not realistic. I and my mom are the same we learn from failure. If someone else tells us we are wrong or are doing wrong we won't listen we wait till we fail ourselves. Call it pride call it stubbornness. That's what we are! God made us like that for a reason. That reason is still unknown to me.
I don't like making mistakes. It crushes me when someone else is affected by an outcome from my errors. That is probably why it kills me that I have lost my mothers trust and respect. I haven't met a person who has gained my moms respect back after an error. That is the scariest and most disheartening of this whole thing. All I see when I look at my mom is failure, disappointment and the want to just give up. I am questioned at every decision. That wouldn't be a problem if I didn't hear that question as "you have failed again you are not worthy of my love or our Saviors you will never learn." Im a very sensitive person I will fully and completely admit that. (Also the way The Lord made me and I will never, ever understand why)
My relationship with my mom has always been good. When my sisters would play together and not allow me to play, my mom would play with me. We would have adventures doing boring chores but she made them fun. We would go outside and work on the yard. We did dishes together. Those moments I cherished.
In Jr. high my mom became a cashier at Wal Mart because my dad was laid off. I began to teach myself and spend a lot of time with my friends. My mom started to love her work and begin talking about that everyday. I soon began to raise myself. I didn't see her reading her bible everyday, although she may have when I was not around. I began to become self sufficient. I graded my own tests, I did dishes by myself. These are the moments I began having an attitude with my mom. That was 5/6 years ago.
When our house was hit by a drunk driver Super Bowl 2012 I became even more empty. Fights would happen between my grandparents and family. No one knew our "normal" routine because we didn't have one. That is the moment I had an attitude with my God. And altogether stopped our relationship. God chased me and I ran far away. Right into the arms of a man.
After I finally realized the world sucked and came back that's when my attitude with my mom started again. Disappointment flooded her heart while embarrassment and shame flooded mine. Soon bitterness set in. That is what I deal with on a daily basis. And that moms is something you need to recognize.
Bitterness starts at the root of all evil. It not only sucks for the recipient but the one giving it. Your heart becomes hard. You don't wanna get out of bed. All to punish one person. It is a hard thing to deal with. But the greatest thing for bitterness is kindness, support and the love of a mom. I know disappointment sucks. But think about the one you put that onto. Daily they remember the words you shot at them. "You didn't feel dirty?" "YOU DID WHAT?" "More than once???" And everyday they push them out of their head.
It will be a daily battle for the rest of my life. But today I decided to let the bitterness go. I can't change anything and neither can a mom. Just Jesus and that's what a child needs. Don't push Jesus away from them. Because it is SO easy to go back to the world. It just takes one step. It's not a threat but a warning. I've had my taste in this world and I don't like it but be careful one day you can't be there to protect them. Remember you have taught them well. They will use that knowledge for the test of their life.
Step back let God. That is what moms need to do for teens.
I love you mom. Just give me time.
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