Spontaneity

     This past week I have had the opportunity to take on an adventure, I can't believe I actually took it.  I still surprise myself that I said yes, almost everything I have ever done has been with a friend or family member.  But this past week I have done a camp called Live Up, gone to Big Bear and Joshua Tree, visited friends out of town and rollerbladed on the beach.  Now that I am back to reality I don't want to be here, the memories will be overflowing to have been one of the greatest summers yet. 
     Live Up is a camp for adults with Down Syndrome, my cousin tagged me on a post on Facebook because they were missing one more female buddy.  I half heartedly did the application in class just to pass some time in math.  The next day I got a call to see if I would finish my application and come to Live Up San Diego.  Knowing absolutely nothing I said yes knowing I was leaving right after my last final.  I finished all my finals and hopped in the car on my way down to Point Loma.  Upon arriving I felt barely to any anxiety, which was something odd for me since I have anxiety going to school every morning, maybe it was the lack of sleep from finals who knows.  I was greeted with smiling faces and hugs.  First night getting to know everyone was fun and exciting but also scary knowing I was the only one who hadn't done something like this before.  But the next day prepared me and I was ready for the day to start.
     The weekend flew by, theater, dancing, ping pong, bus rides, more dancing, soccer (which was my favorite), padres game, even more dancing, laughter, joy and exhaustion.  Every minute I treasured and soaked up.  The joy on everyone's faces made me feel so comfortable.  Any form of nervousness or anxiety had fled out of my body.  I wasn't prepared for so much fun.  Everyone was equal, no one was better than others, I wish the world was full of the people that were at the camp, if it was, the world would be a better place. 
     I always thought that adventures needed to be planned out step by step but for some reason, with great hesitation, I said yes to adventures.  I am so glad I did.  I'm so glad that I could actually do something and not feel the pain of anxiety or nervous heart thumping.  I realized just being me and getting out there is a lot more fun than sitting at home being scared.  Does that mean I will take every opportunity I can? Probably not, but it means with hesitation I can say yes and it can be fun.  I surprised myself with the spontaneous adventures but oh, what a good surprise it was.  

Content and Alone

"Do no harm, but take no BS." I am a sensitive person.  I like to be told of how I make people feel good.  I love to be in relationships, family, friends, it doesn't matter I love to be involved with people.  I am a social butterfly.  I love to be needed, but mostly, I want to be wanted.  Not to sound selfish at all, but I am an extrovert and I love the attention and giving attention.  Except, when I feel that I am being used, that is when I shut down.  I no longer feel good with that person anymore.  Usually it is because they no longer want me and for that, now they don't appreciate my time but they need me to fill it.  I don't take my time easily, my time is precious because I want to spend it doing things I enjoy.  If I am only a place holder, I do not want to be there.  But how do you know, how do you feel honesty and know it is true?


I never ever want to hurt people, ever.  I want to be kind, honest, caring and empathetic that is my goal in life.  I don't want any harm to come to someone from my actions, I also do not want to be taken advantage of.  But unfortunately I do make mistakes; the thing I'm learning is that mistakes are to grow you and to not be repeated.


I want to share a journey of walking this earth as a person in touch with herself.  No longer making friends and trying to fit in but fitting my friends to who I am.  To be honest, not only with others, but for once with myself.  I no longer will settle.  No more self destruction.  My journey will be finding myself in the chaos of life.  Because living life isn't just settling in every situation it is going above and beyond in any environment, any relationship and that includes yourself.  Settling comes from being un-content with yourself.  To look down on who you are.  No one should ever feel that way about themselves.  I'm not exactly sure how to figure this out, but I am so excited for a journey with being content with aloneness, not loneliness, but aloneness. There is a huge difference between those two words.  For the rest of this summer I will be discovering aloneness, and for once, I am completely thrilled.

Picking up the Pieces

     There are so many things that change when you are in college, or in fact, just in the season of renewal and finding who you truly are.  I have been struggling with the idea of Hope.  Who she is, how she acts, how she will be respected and how she sees the world.  I don't know exactly what I believe, and I'm happy that way.  I don't need it to be black and white.  I'm so sick of thinking of the lines and boxes that are created for so many of us.  Maybe the lines aren't that clear.

      I'm content in my brokenness, sometimes that scares me.  I'm not exactly perfect.  It is so hard for me to attach myself to anyone.  My friends and family have been my greatest strength. Coming over when I least expect it, always finding things to do with me, and even walking miles while talking about life.  I do know that I am so much stronger than I used to be.  I'm not scared of speaking my opinion because it is mine.  It no longer is conditioned by someone else it is no longer just based off of one source.  Having an open mind is so freeing, but also knowing what you believe is too.  So far I have the open mindedness but now I struggle with finding where I stand on the big issues.  

     I am constantly battling something.  I believe that is what makes us human we are made through our fighting.  I am so emotional.  I never thought that I would be so.  I didn't know what depression was like until a few months ago.  Feeling myself get into that rut again I realized I don't want to be there anymore.  Laying in bed, not wanting to move, wanting someone to hold you, wanting nobody around, depression was confusion to me.  The confusion became the only thing in my head.  Questions of my self worth were so prevalent it was scary.  My self worth was as much as the scum of the earth that no one wants between their toes. I didn't even want to see myself in the mirror.  My hair was red, freckles layered every inch of my body, my thighs were just a little too big, don't get me started on my face.  I still got the attention of men, of course, I still have everything they want but to me that was the only reason.  Then, finally, the self discrimination became hating my personality. 

     There is nothing worse than hating who you are.  I felt as though no one liked the woman I am becoming/have become.  There was so much weight of everyone telling me I wasn't the person they loved, ouch.  If I wasn't that person, that made me unlovable.  I don't need others to give me self worth, but acceptance is nice.  

     With three classes on my shoulder and what feels like the worst wait for graduation, I take on the world.  I take it on alone because no one else can be me, it will be the greatest journey I will face.  I don't even know what to say my mind is so jumbled I could be in a dryer just spinning around and around.  Maybe I do know who Hope is, she is the one who cheers on her friends, who gives hope when there isn't one.  She is the one with the worst attitude, but the sweet spirit.  Yeah, I like that description, and not because it is true, but it is because those are my pieces that I have picked up on my own and I stand by them.  

Elephant in the Room

As I sit in my room proud of the fact that I have stood up for myself; however, my heart is as bitter as a green apple.  Heartache is a touchy subject.  Those that know it, know the pain of everything aching.  Your brain, your heart, your body and mostly your soul.  Everything feels it.  Through this process I have realized that I am selfish.  Because for once in my life I wanted the world to stop so that I could control the tornado of my life.  As we all know, the world doesn't stop for heartache.  This is my journey through the worst time of my life.

October I decided I was going to spend the rest of my life with one man.  In April, I announced it on social media, but the next day we happen to no longer be together, talk about awkward.  For all those people confused as ever, yes I was engaged, no I am not anymore, I am single.  We planned our future, what would be told of our story to our children, the places where we would visit, the names of our kids and even the names of our pets (RIP Frankie the rat, if you don't get it, think the Godfather and the mob).  Then, six months later, on a Sunday at 6 am in the morning, all of those dreams vanished.  My life wasn't what I had planned.  As most of my friends know I like to have things set in stone.  I don't need everything planned minute to minute like my eldest sister (you need things organized please contact her), but I need to know the gist and the idea of a plan.  My life was turned upside down.  My heart crumbled into a million pieces, my dad took me into his arms, strong and safe I felt courage return.  That moment of courage I knew that my fiance would no longer be that. 

Days following I called all my friends, each friend made the pain hurt just a little stronger.  Classmates: "I remember you being engaged, you are right?"  Ouch.  The pain showed through my eyes and was felt in my heart.  I skipped a couple classes, stayed in bed longer than a human should.  Cried so hard my eyes felt as if they were a desert.  I hit my knees millions of times asking God why.  Visits from my dad two weeks in a row were probably the only thing that kept me sane.  Phone calls, texts, facetime, I felt the love, but still my heart was shattered.  I remembered a quote that the gist was if you try to put glass back together you end up hurting yourself, that's how I felt about this relationship.  

Everyone knew this relationship was scandalous and was frowned upon by most.  I worked my butt off for this relationship, yet in the end it was my heart that I was fighting for.  Through this process I have realized that heartbreak is selfish.  Whenever my best friend talked about her problems I felt as though she didn't care about my own.  Anytime someone mentioned their significant other I was wondering how they couldn't understand how much my heart hurt.  The bitterness piled up.  I was so selfish, this was my heartbreak, everyone should be catering to me.  This world does anything but that.

Friends told me I should get over him, after all I was the one who broke it off.  But the thing is, feelings just don't let go when the relationship is gone.  In fact, they hold on as tight as they can squeezing every emotion out so far that you don't have any left to function.  Being distracted, being busy, going out on a date, they still don't help.  All I can think is I just want someone to grab my hand and tell me they love me, tell me that it's okay to feel something, it's okay to be numb, it's okay to process this.  I hate waiting, everyone knows how impatient I am for events to happen.  I just want to move on, but yet, I still want to hold on. 

I've listened to break up songs, I've listened to sad songs, I've listened to empowerment.  The only songs that have made it bearable are two songs from the most amazing man in my life, my dad, the first one is by Josh Groban called "You are Loved, (Don't Give Up)," the other was "Touch the sky" by Hillsong.  Beautiful songs, music is a great way to heal.  Still, selfishness showed, I was so angry that the people I most wanted didn't show me the love the way I wanted, bitterness grew.  

Break ups do amazing things, they show who you are at your worst.  I have been shown of the selfish prideful attitude I display.  I am so prideful about my "sweetness" and "caring" nature that I want people to show me those traits as well.  But I wanted them to show them to me in MY way.  No one can do that unless they are a mind reader.  This has shown me the reason that I am not ready for a relationship.  I would rather be shown what I deserve than be appreciative of the way someone else shows love.  I asked for so much and gave very little through my selfishness.  I hate it.  

Yeah, the million pieces of my heart are still everywhere, and no I'm not angry or bitter.  I am just hurt.  Hurt makes people do some stupid things.  I'm so excited to go home and to be surrounded by support as I take on three summer classes.  I'm not defeated by this, no one should be.  This is a great reminder that hey, I have feelings and damn, I feel 'em.  One day I will look back and say "wow that was a good life lesson."  I cannot wait for that moment (I bet my friends and family are ready for it too).  

All I ask is for some understanding, for some time, for some patience.  I have been through many heartbreaks with my friends, I realized I said some wrong things because people have been saying what I say to them, and gosh darn those are not the things a broken heart needs to hear.  Sometimes saying nothing and just giving a hug is the best thing on earth.  I do not try to be selfish, but at the moment I need to pick myself up, all I ask is that my friends and family will stand beside me.  Don't look down at me, I don't need pity, I need love.  

Here I am trying to change and realize my selfishness to turn into hope, faith and happiness.  I don't want to be sad, I want to be glad that the two years I had with an amazing man were great, I want to be brave.  One day, one step, one moment at a time and eventually I'll be over the greatest mountain I have conquered in my life, I'm sure there will be more, but let's not think about that.  

So cheers to the memories, cheers to the love that was had, cheers to the friends and family who keep me sane and cheers to moving on.

Twist of Lies

     I have experienced being so deep in a lie that it made me the person I am today. I am remembered of that lie everyday. Maybe not in a negative but in a positive. I see people forgiving me, they still love me for the person I am today. But then in the negative I see the friendships that were broken. My best friend since childhood lost her best friend. She couldn't even fathom who I had become. I hid it so well that she was jaded, hurt and most importantly, lied to. She felt like she couldn't even trust me. I couldn't even trust myself. I look at her and realize I chose a lie instead of her, I still don't know if our relationship will blossom again, I hope so. I hurt her so badly and I will forever have to deal with that. But I'm dealing with it in honesty now. I no longer hide who I am. But I live with my lie. It hasn't gone away, it hasn't just disappeared now that I have told the truth. I look at others who have forgiven me. Who look at me daily and say "I've moved past it." It makes me want to cry. How could people look at me I couldn't even look at myself.

     Lying is a trap. But when you are trapped you don't even know it. I know there are no excuses. But I see lying as an addiction. One lie leads to another, the other leads to a bigger one and sooner than you think you are living those lies. Every liar gets to a point where they decide to keep lying or to tell the truth. You also don't just hit that point once but many of times. When I was little my lying was exaggeration. If I came home and nothing exciting happened than, I made something exciting happen. I wanted people to look at me and see me as adventurous and fun. But some days adventures are boring, so I would spice it up. Soon bigger and bigger lies happened. I was pretty exciting but I couldn't be alone with myself because I would remember all the lies. I would confess them, but only to the point where it only showed some of the lie. I never really truly showed myself because there was so many.

     Story after story, I wrapped myself in my blanket of lies. It was cozy, it was safe. Until I realized that's not who I wanted anymore. Eventually I shared my past. My boyfriend didn't speak for me for days until finally deciding to move past it with the exception of trust leaving the table. My sisters wouldn't believe ANY of my stories. My friends would question them. It was a challenge. But I made it.

     Still to this day I lie. I catch myself in them all the time. I have a battle in my head, tell the truth? or spice it up? Sometimes I win, sometimes the lies win. I will always have this battle. But everyday I choose who is gonna win. I know a lot of people are in this battle and it doesn't seem that relevant but lies are something that happen with everyday conversations and actions. It hurts everyone involved when the liar is caught. I know it's not really a poem I don't know what it is but I started working on it after I realized that I am a liar and the lies that lies tell me.

Twist of Lies

I am an option 

But I come with a price

I will take the ones you love away

They won't know you

I will consume your thoughts

You will think of me at all times

I will hold you together

I will crush you when you slip

One small move

And I will be your first thought

I will tell you what to say

You will be frightened to share me

Trust you will not receive 

You will only be intimate with me

Your lovers will get over me

But I will never let you go

I will eat you alive

and you will make me grow

Hiding me makes me stronger

Exposing me kills you

Use me once

And I become your only option

The question runs deep and echos throughout my bones: Why college? I never wanted to go to college, my dream was to get married at 18 and never step foot inside a university. But in High School being a Hoomeschooler I had to go to community college for my language. I never knew I would fall in love with ASL or the Deaf community. When I graduated in 2012 I found out that ASL interpreters were now required to have a BA before taking the national certification. In 2011 I was excited to be able to get a degree for only 2 years and then work for the rest of my life. So I embraced it I found a school I liked, CSUN. It became my vision to go to a University. Still to this day I weigh the costs of my decision.

I could have stayed in San Diego and tested for my EIPA certification and worked in schools, being limited to only schools, no community interpreting. But I couldn't see myself working in a school the rest of my life when all I ever do is try to get out of schools. So I found a passion for legal interpreting and Deaf Blind interpreting. Both require me to have a BA. Not only do I have to achieve my BA but I also have to take certification tests after I graduate. Boy oh boy. That was not my dream.

Then, I met a classmate who wanted to go to CSUN also. She encouraged and pushed me to achieve all that we could. If it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't be here today. Sometimes I think about my dream of not wanting to go to school. But then I think about it, I'm going to be graduating college with only 4 "official" years under my belt and I'll be 21.

I wanted to achieve something when I went to college. I didn't just want to be another student. I have made a reputation as a student, I won't just listen but i'll question. I'll be silly, but i'll also be serious. I'll do anything to make class fun.

So maybe I didn't achieve my goal of being successful without colleges/universities. But I'm proud of myself for sticking through something I never wanted to do. With a supportive family, boyfriend and friends I know I'll push through, and if there are bumps in the road, I know I'll push through.

Why college? Because, Why not?

"and that's the honest to God truth, I swear!"

"Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement." C.S. Lewis

I have made a lot of 'finger posts' in my life. In fact, I have made a lot; now, people are starting to talk about them. Some say this, some say that and most of these people saying things haven't even talked to me.

My name is Hope and I believe Jesus died on the cross for my sins and rose again three days later. I believe he created the earth in 6 days. I believe the bible is a true statement from Jesus written by humans. I also believe humans fail, just as I have.

A long, long time ago (start singing the song), I started doubting my belief in what my parents firmly and respectfully raised me in. I was in 6th grade. I believed that their rules and regulations were just to keep me from the world. I had the regular kid mindset: my parents were stopping me from having fun. Soccer practice I wouldn't even act like a Christian, just someone who didn't do those things because it wasn't right. Why you may ask if I had such an amazing God on my side? Because of this: I did not see the loving side of Jesus Christ. I did not see the loving father.

My parents, especially my father, have a very logical/practical way about them. Even though my mom is a great dreamer everything she does has a practical purpose, and my parents thrive off of it. They know how to use it to God's benefit and understand everything. I on the other hand could not learn it the way they did. I didn't understand the love of Jesus. I just understood the FEAR factor. "if you don't follow Jesus you will be punished!!" Okay? So? My parents used to do that too, that didn't stop me from disrespecting them and doing all the things I have done behind their backs. Threatening me wasn't a reason for me to follow. I wanted to be loved in my love language wanted to be chased and experience that love that so many of my worldly friends and christian friends had but I still couldn't find it. I felt trapped in this, I'm not fully a christian but i'm not fully going to not be a christian, world.

In this world, I lied. L-I-E-D, lied a lot. To everyone. Not just my Christian family but to my worldly family too. I separated them so much that I couldn't fit into both worlds. So here I was stuck in a place I couldn't get out of unless I chose. Again, I was threatened. Choose or be gone. But my other world wasn't letting me do that. They didn't care what I did. They knew me as the respectable Christian and they knew me as a lying person, but they accepted me either way. Looking at that isn't it an easy choice??? Go with people who love me, go with people who accept me, follow my heart, yadda yadda. My heart is deceitful who do you think got me in this situation? My heart and myself.

Last summer (2013) I decided I didn't want to follow Jesus anymore. I wanted to know what it was like to make decisions without answering to anyone. It felt good. But then I had to pretend to be someone else, To my Christian family. I didn't know what I wanted. I then started questioning if God was even real. But I knew that was silly. He is real and I believe that. But why do I believe that? I don't know, because I was raised that way. That is not a reason I want to love such a big God. I want the reason to be because I love Him and He loves me and i respect him as the King of Kings. I felt like I had already failed. So I decided to do the one thing I knew was right: tell the truth.

BOY OH BOY. They say telling the truth is hard but feels so good and boy does it! It feels wonderful.

My name is Hope Beane and I have been faking. I would lift up my hands in church I would say exactly what I needed to and do exactly what I needed too. But I didn't feel it. I would look at God and feel so ashamed. How can such a little person be doing this to such a big God who deserves so much more respect. So I went to people i respected and told them EVERYTHING. Told them my struggle told them my pain. Again, I felt threatened not loved. Was it their fault? NO. Not at all. It was the situation and everything involved. They thought they were loving me how I needed to be loved. But I just felt completely alone. I have a great boyfriend backing me up and letting me find things on my own. But family and friends I grew up with talked about me instead of to me. Until two dear Christian ladies on separate occasions took me to dinner, looked me in the eyes and told me they loved me no matter what. Told me they want me to be with God but told me love was right here, even AFTER I told them I was terrible to my family. They knew I was wrong, and told me straight up words cannot be taken back. Told me I didn't have to respond the same way my family did, and told me my family was only responding to the attitude that i was displaying. Words of wisdom and love. No threat, no choices needed to be made, no hate just love. Love is powerful.

Soon, people started messaging me or deleting me off social media, and a few in person. Soon, my heart started to turn bitter. All these people knew a lot of things, I hadn't even talked with them. People who my situation didn't effect knew more than I could ever say. My actions showed a lot yes, but details were said that I didn't even know people knew. Many nights I cried. Many nights I yelled at God. How could people who said they would love me NO matter WHAT, start closing their hearts to me. I will admit and even testify to my TERRIBLE, behavior and words said to my amazing Daddy and family. I am not the victim in this and nor plan to act like one. I hate the words I said. I can NEVER get them back. But I can be sorry for them. I am living with them and probably forever will be.

But here I am, alone, in my room. I looked at my bible with an honest heart today all that went through my mind was the fact that I really didn't know anything in that book. I knew the famous stories but what about the rest? Bible trivia was never fun to play because it showed that I really didn't care. But now I do. I want to know what it has to say and WHY it says it. Cause of love for me? Cause of affection? I want to see the feelings in the bible. Not just the science and the logic.

I've been yelled at, excused, threatened. What else can be done? Throw it at me. Just know, I am finding who God is to me. If you still want to be bitter towards me by all means. But I don't care anymore. I have people who ADORE me. Who love me. Who will respect me even while I find out who this God is. I have an amazing family. They are great. What I have seen in these past few weeks before I left is a whole new family. Ones that love, care and even do bible studies together. That is a great family. I am sad that I'm not apart of that. "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything." I stand for finding God on my own. I'm tired of getting advice and not following it. I'm tired of expectations.

I'm not my family, I am me. There are a lot of questions, but I've heard of a big God who can answer them.

I go to my first class today, new people, new start. I can be whoever I want. With God or not. It's my choice.

As a great man said honesty always wins:

"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."