To feel something at all

When I arrived back to Northridge I always take time to evaluate who I have become over the time that I have been back home.  Well, I have come to the conclusion that I am not who I used to be.  Who you pretend to be is who you become.  After my first heartbreak I let myself go, by that I mean, in Joan Jett's words I didn't give a damn about my bad reputation.  Through my relationship with my ex I had been hard at work working on my lying and exaggeration in my story telling.  I was making a great reputation for my inner self and felt really good about who I was.  The support from my ex is what kept me going, his honesty. (later to be known as not so honest) 

So this summer I dealt with the fact that someone I thought had my back through everything did not.  I've never faced heartbreak before but the way I respected myself after it was over was shameful.  Or the fact that I didn't respect myself was the shameful part.  The thing was is that the tool that hurt me became a tool that I made mean nothing to me.  I no longer held it as a higher standard.  So in turn my respect was no where to be found.  Let alone to let myself feel anything for someone, and when I did, all the pain just came back as I allowed another to hurt my heart once again.  That is when I decided to close my heart so no one could break in anymore, not allowing myself to feel hurt, let alone joy, fully.

Here I am in Northridge.  While I was here I was in a relationship being single up here is quite weird.  But it is who I am.  I have realized that there are things that you cannot come back from.  Yes it is in the past but that does not mean it dissapears or doesn't haunt you.  It follows you.  100 miles away and I am still dealing with lies and the issues I created for myself solely for attention.  I thought bad attention was just as good as anything else.  I was wrong.  All i have recieved is mainly good attention, from that point i hadn't really done anything disgraceful.  But now that I have, I don't like it.  Do I regret my past? no not all of it, but I do regret the reputation I built.  It could have been much more respectable but how can you be respected by others when you don't even feel like you deserve respect?

I have been going on nightly walks with a friend, and in those times I think about who I am to him, he met me as the not so respectable woman.  He has never met the sweet loving Hope.  He knows the jaded, emotional, witchy woman that I am today.  It saddens me.  Because that Hope is gone and there is nobody I mean NOBODY who could bring her back except myself if I would choose to do so.  Frankly I love this woman who can not feel every single thing, who can hide the pain, who can be alone and feel okay.  But that endearingly naive, smart, funny, too trusting and the one to jump in fully with no shame of her feelings young girl is gone.  I can't get certain parts of me back.  But I can become the person I want to be just as I have become the woman I am today.  

It will be a long and hard journey finding the balance of peace and joy again, but I am so ready to climb all up hill if I have to but I will, I want to be Hope filled (oh so punny), and joy to return to my everyday life.  I am tired of not being okay with who I am on the inside.  I will make this happen I am determined.  To being a senior, to being whoever I want to be, to being the respected, to being someone who leaves a mark, to feeling joyfilled emotions again, to feel something at all, cheers.   

Spontaneity

     This past week I have had the opportunity to take on an adventure, I can't believe I actually took it.  I still surprise myself that I said yes, almost everything I have ever done has been with a friend or family member.  But this past week I have done a camp called Live Up, gone to Big Bear and Joshua Tree, visited friends out of town and rollerbladed on the beach.  Now that I am back to reality I don't want to be here, the memories will be overflowing to have been one of the greatest summers yet. 
     Live Up is a camp for adults with Down Syndrome, my cousin tagged me on a post on Facebook because they were missing one more female buddy.  I half heartedly did the application in class just to pass some time in math.  The next day I got a call to see if I would finish my application and come to Live Up San Diego.  Knowing absolutely nothing I said yes knowing I was leaving right after my last final.  I finished all my finals and hopped in the car on my way down to Point Loma.  Upon arriving I felt barely to any anxiety, which was something odd for me since I have anxiety going to school every morning, maybe it was the lack of sleep from finals who knows.  I was greeted with smiling faces and hugs.  First night getting to know everyone was fun and exciting but also scary knowing I was the only one who hadn't done something like this before.  But the next day prepared me and I was ready for the day to start.
     The weekend flew by, theater, dancing, ping pong, bus rides, more dancing, soccer (which was my favorite), padres game, even more dancing, laughter, joy and exhaustion.  Every minute I treasured and soaked up.  The joy on everyone's faces made me feel so comfortable.  Any form of nervousness or anxiety had fled out of my body.  I wasn't prepared for so much fun.  Everyone was equal, no one was better than others, I wish the world was full of the people that were at the camp, if it was, the world would be a better place. 
     I always thought that adventures needed to be planned out step by step but for some reason, with great hesitation, I said yes to adventures.  I am so glad I did.  I'm so glad that I could actually do something and not feel the pain of anxiety or nervous heart thumping.  I realized just being me and getting out there is a lot more fun than sitting at home being scared.  Does that mean I will take every opportunity I can? Probably not, but it means with hesitation I can say yes and it can be fun.  I surprised myself with the spontaneous adventures but oh, what a good surprise it was.  

Content and Alone

"Do no harm, but take no BS." I am a sensitive person.  I like to be told of how I make people feel good.  I love to be in relationships, family, friends, it doesn't matter I love to be involved with people.  I am a social butterfly.  I love to be needed, but mostly, I want to be wanted.  Not to sound selfish at all, but I am an extrovert and I love the attention and giving attention.  Except, when I feel that I am being used, that is when I shut down.  I no longer feel good with that person anymore.  Usually it is because they no longer want me and for that, now they don't appreciate my time but they need me to fill it.  I don't take my time easily, my time is precious because I want to spend it doing things I enjoy.  If I am only a place holder, I do not want to be there.  But how do you know, how do you feel honesty and know it is true?


I never ever want to hurt people, ever.  I want to be kind, honest, caring and empathetic that is my goal in life.  I don't want any harm to come to someone from my actions, I also do not want to be taken advantage of.  But unfortunately I do make mistakes; the thing I'm learning is that mistakes are to grow you and to not be repeated.


I want to share a journey of walking this earth as a person in touch with herself.  No longer making friends and trying to fit in but fitting my friends to who I am.  To be honest, not only with others, but for once with myself.  I no longer will settle.  No more self destruction.  My journey will be finding myself in the chaos of life.  Because living life isn't just settling in every situation it is going above and beyond in any environment, any relationship and that includes yourself.  Settling comes from being un-content with yourself.  To look down on who you are.  No one should ever feel that way about themselves.  I'm not exactly sure how to figure this out, but I am so excited for a journey with being content with aloneness, not loneliness, but aloneness. There is a huge difference between those two words.  For the rest of this summer I will be discovering aloneness, and for once, I am completely thrilled.

Picking up the Pieces

     There are so many things that change when you are in college, or in fact, just in the season of renewal and finding who you truly are.  I have been struggling with the idea of Hope.  Who she is, how she acts, how she will be respected and how she sees the world.  I don't know exactly what I believe, and I'm happy that way.  I don't need it to be black and white.  I'm so sick of thinking of the lines and boxes that are created for so many of us.  Maybe the lines aren't that clear.

      I'm content in my brokenness, sometimes that scares me.  I'm not exactly perfect.  It is so hard for me to attach myself to anyone.  My friends and family have been my greatest strength. Coming over when I least expect it, always finding things to do with me, and even walking miles while talking about life.  I do know that I am so much stronger than I used to be.  I'm not scared of speaking my opinion because it is mine.  It no longer is conditioned by someone else it is no longer just based off of one source.  Having an open mind is so freeing, but also knowing what you believe is too.  So far I have the open mindedness but now I struggle with finding where I stand on the big issues.  

     I am constantly battling something.  I believe that is what makes us human we are made through our fighting.  I am so emotional.  I never thought that I would be so.  I didn't know what depression was like until a few months ago.  Feeling myself get into that rut again I realized I don't want to be there anymore.  Laying in bed, not wanting to move, wanting someone to hold you, wanting nobody around, depression was confusion to me.  The confusion became the only thing in my head.  Questions of my self worth were so prevalent it was scary.  My self worth was as much as the scum of the earth that no one wants between their toes. I didn't even want to see myself in the mirror.  My hair was red, freckles layered every inch of my body, my thighs were just a little too big, don't get me started on my face.  I still got the attention of men, of course, I still have everything they want but to me that was the only reason.  Then, finally, the self discrimination became hating my personality. 

     There is nothing worse than hating who you are.  I felt as though no one liked the woman I am becoming/have become.  There was so much weight of everyone telling me I wasn't the person they loved, ouch.  If I wasn't that person, that made me unlovable.  I don't need others to give me self worth, but acceptance is nice.  

     With three classes on my shoulder and what feels like the worst wait for graduation, I take on the world.  I take it on alone because no one else can be me, it will be the greatest journey I will face.  I don't even know what to say my mind is so jumbled I could be in a dryer just spinning around and around.  Maybe I do know who Hope is, she is the one who cheers on her friends, who gives hope when there isn't one.  She is the one with the worst attitude, but the sweet spirit.  Yeah, I like that description, and not because it is true, but it is because those are my pieces that I have picked up on my own and I stand by them.  

Elephant in the Room

As I sit in my room proud of the fact that I have stood up for myself; however, my heart is as bitter as a green apple.  Heartache is a touchy subject.  Those that know it, know the pain of everything aching.  Your brain, your heart, your body and mostly your soul.  Everything feels it.  Through this process I have realized that I am selfish.  Because for once in my life I wanted the world to stop so that I could control the tornado of my life.  As we all know, the world doesn't stop for heartache.  This is my journey through the worst time of my life.

October I decided I was going to spend the rest of my life with one man.  In April, I announced it on social media, but the next day we happen to no longer be together, talk about awkward.  For all those people confused as ever, yes I was engaged, no I am not anymore, I am single.  We planned our future, what would be told of our story to our children, the places where we would visit, the names of our kids and even the names of our pets (RIP Frankie the rat, if you don't get it, think the Godfather and the mob).  Then, six months later, on a Sunday at 6 am in the morning, all of those dreams vanished.  My life wasn't what I had planned.  As most of my friends know I like to have things set in stone.  I don't need everything planned minute to minute like my eldest sister (you need things organized please contact her), but I need to know the gist and the idea of a plan.  My life was turned upside down.  My heart crumbled into a million pieces, my dad took me into his arms, strong and safe I felt courage return.  That moment of courage I knew that my fiance would no longer be that. 

Days following I called all my friends, each friend made the pain hurt just a little stronger.  Classmates: "I remember you being engaged, you are right?"  Ouch.  The pain showed through my eyes and was felt in my heart.  I skipped a couple classes, stayed in bed longer than a human should.  Cried so hard my eyes felt as if they were a desert.  I hit my knees millions of times asking God why.  Visits from my dad two weeks in a row were probably the only thing that kept me sane.  Phone calls, texts, facetime, I felt the love, but still my heart was shattered.  I remembered a quote that the gist was if you try to put glass back together you end up hurting yourself, that's how I felt about this relationship.  

Everyone knew this relationship was scandalous and was frowned upon by most.  I worked my butt off for this relationship, yet in the end it was my heart that I was fighting for.  Through this process I have realized that heartbreak is selfish.  Whenever my best friend talked about her problems I felt as though she didn't care about my own.  Anytime someone mentioned their significant other I was wondering how they couldn't understand how much my heart hurt.  The bitterness piled up.  I was so selfish, this was my heartbreak, everyone should be catering to me.  This world does anything but that.

Friends told me I should get over him, after all I was the one who broke it off.  But the thing is, feelings just don't let go when the relationship is gone.  In fact, they hold on as tight as they can squeezing every emotion out so far that you don't have any left to function.  Being distracted, being busy, going out on a date, they still don't help.  All I can think is I just want someone to grab my hand and tell me they love me, tell me that it's okay to feel something, it's okay to be numb, it's okay to process this.  I hate waiting, everyone knows how impatient I am for events to happen.  I just want to move on, but yet, I still want to hold on. 

I've listened to break up songs, I've listened to sad songs, I've listened to empowerment.  The only songs that have made it bearable are two songs from the most amazing man in my life, my dad, the first one is by Josh Groban called "You are Loved, (Don't Give Up)," the other was "Touch the sky" by Hillsong.  Beautiful songs, music is a great way to heal.  Still, selfishness showed, I was so angry that the people I most wanted didn't show me the love the way I wanted, bitterness grew.  

Break ups do amazing things, they show who you are at your worst.  I have been shown of the selfish prideful attitude I display.  I am so prideful about my "sweetness" and "caring" nature that I want people to show me those traits as well.  But I wanted them to show them to me in MY way.  No one can do that unless they are a mind reader.  This has shown me the reason that I am not ready for a relationship.  I would rather be shown what I deserve than be appreciative of the way someone else shows love.  I asked for so much and gave very little through my selfishness.  I hate it.  

Yeah, the million pieces of my heart are still everywhere, and no I'm not angry or bitter.  I am just hurt.  Hurt makes people do some stupid things.  I'm so excited to go home and to be surrounded by support as I take on three summer classes.  I'm not defeated by this, no one should be.  This is a great reminder that hey, I have feelings and damn, I feel 'em.  One day I will look back and say "wow that was a good life lesson."  I cannot wait for that moment (I bet my friends and family are ready for it too).  

All I ask is for some understanding, for some time, for some patience.  I have been through many heartbreaks with my friends, I realized I said some wrong things because people have been saying what I say to them, and gosh darn those are not the things a broken heart needs to hear.  Sometimes saying nothing and just giving a hug is the best thing on earth.  I do not try to be selfish, but at the moment I need to pick myself up, all I ask is that my friends and family will stand beside me.  Don't look down at me, I don't need pity, I need love.  

Here I am trying to change and realize my selfishness to turn into hope, faith and happiness.  I don't want to be sad, I want to be glad that the two years I had with an amazing man were great, I want to be brave.  One day, one step, one moment at a time and eventually I'll be over the greatest mountain I have conquered in my life, I'm sure there will be more, but let's not think about that.  

So cheers to the memories, cheers to the love that was had, cheers to the friends and family who keep me sane and cheers to moving on.